ψευδής σκίουρος

January 2012: Let's Be A Lazy Vegan

2011-12-27T14:53:00.001-06:00

I think this episode of the Simpsons was my first introduction to veganism. Even then, I knew what it was and it certainly wasn't a radical concept to me. And while I do love the little animals, I do enjoy me some meats and other animal products. But we could stand to probably kill fewer.

I've been reading and watching vegan-related things. My sister was interested in it and has since become vegan. I think it's a good point when it's brought up in some of this stuff that Americans eat too much damn meat. There was an interview with a man from China talking about how a portion of meat for a single man here would be the family portion back in China. I don't think we need so much meat and too much of anything is never a good thing. Ideally, I think there should be smaller and more humane facilities for meat, milk, and other animal-product. Not to mention millions of us are putting bleach (white sugar & flour) and ammonia (They put in your meat! What the fuck!) willingly in our bodies. How can someone eat like that and NOT expect a big, fat dose of cancer later?

I'm going to be frank. I LOVE milk but sometimes it makes me so damn sick. And sometimes so do eggs. Not "oh, I feel a little sick" sick. Like "running to the toilet" and "lighting a shitload of candles" sick. Not trying to be gross as much as honest and these are the facts. (Although I admit I'm also gross. Tee hee.) Now this doesn't always happen, but it does enough that I have a cautious relationship with these foods. Looking back at this as it's happened to me since I was a child, I guess a typical parent may have taken her kid to the doctor. Since we were poor and poor people only go to the doctor when we're gonna fuckin' die, that shit didn't happen. Moving on.

So anyway, I was very open about trying new things when came to replacing both milk and eggs. Almond milk was too bitter for me but I really like soy milk. I drink coffee with soy milk and eat cereal with soy milk and both are delicious. I've also made tofu into an egg-like food and there's almost no difference in my opinion. So what else can be replaced?

In January, I'm going to become more-or-less vegan for a month. I say "more-or-less" because there's no way in hell I'm gonna scrutinize the label on every damn thing I eat. But as far as the explicit animal product is concerned it's gone. I had already taken some other baby steps diet-wise (no more bleached flour and sugar for starters) and decided maybe I should try this vegan thing. I think it'll be a good start to gradually consuming less meat and animal product, which is really my main goal. If I stay vegan, that'd be cool but I don't see that happening. Mmmm... chicken.

Music Review: Alexandra Stan - "Saxobeats"

2011-11-01T22:05:00.005-06:00

I forget how I first heard of Romanian recording artist Alexandra Stan. I believe I had bought a couple of songs by Edward Maya or Natalia Kills and she came up in the line of other artists bought by customers. Either way, I'm glad she did.

Her debut, "Saxobeats" is short (considering the number of different songs totals eight) but sweet. This is the full-listing for the digital version:

1. "Mr. Saxobeat"
2. "Ting-Ting"
3. "Show Me the Way"
4. "Lollipop (Param Pam Pam)"
5. "Crazy"
6. "Bitter-Sweet"
7. "Get Back (ASAP)"
8. "One Million" (featuring Carlprit)
9. "Mr. Saxobeat" (MAAN Studio Remix)
10. "Lollipop (Param Pam Pam)" (Club Version)
11. "Get Back (ASAP)" (MAAN Studio Remix)
12. "Mr. Saxobeat" (Extended Version)
13. "Get Back (ASAP)" (Extended Version)

"Mr. Saxobeat" is infectious and has that obvious Romanian-pop feel to it more than the other songs imo. "Lollipop (Param Pam Pam)" is the second single for U.S. although it was Ms. Stan's debut single and a hit in Romania. Someone on YouTube called it the "jacked up euro version" of "Fergalicious" and that's not completely wrong. Still a fun song and while self-indulgent, much less so than "Fergalicious" was in my opinion. The stand-out song for me on this release is "Crazy", which I don't see as being a single since there's already going to be four from this album and I'm not certain if this album will have more than four singles. "Show Me The Way" is also single-worthy and I'd love to hear some serious remixes on it. The remixes and extended versions that are here are nice to have but my ear must be lazy because I don't hear enough of a difference for it to matter other than with the club version of "Lollipop (Param Pam Pam)".

I'll give it 4 out of 5.

Music vid for single, "Lollipop (Param Pam Pam)". I would've have linked Mr. Saxobeat but YouTube wouldn't let me embed it:

Book Review: Doukakis's Apprentice

2011-11-01T21:01:00.007-06:00

With her family business in crisis, Polly Prince does her best to keep calm and carry on. But hard work alone can't save her London company from a takeover by the infamously ruthless Damon Doukakis…or her traitorous body from the lethal sensuality of her boss! As his new apprentice, Polly accompanies Damon to Paris to negotiate the most challenging business deal of her life! Worse still, Polly must at all costs resist Damon in the most dangerously romantic city in the world…

A number of notes before I get to the meat of the review--as lean a cut of meat as it admittedly is:

1. The title makes me think of two different things immediately.

2. Now that I have that out of the way, Polly is not his apprentice. He accompanies her to Paris, not the other way around. And the description would be accurate if it said "father's business" instead of "family business" since Polly has no other real family. (Yes, I know she considers her staff to be family. I'll get to that.)

3. The Harlequin cover is not the worst cover ever by any means but it really makes Damon look like a sleaze coming on to a buttoned-up trollop. The Mills & Boon cover really shows more of the spirit of the book. She's wearing a fashionable little number like she does in the book and is giving him a sweet kiss befitting of her personality. And he even has a tie with pink stripes on it, which is a nice nod to some of the dialogue in the story. The backdrop for the second cover is Paris, which is far more appropriate than the London setting for the story considering the role Paris plays.

4. This book has good reviews at Amazon but one points out the book needed an editor. If you actually click on the cover over at Amazon to look inside the book, sure enough, one of the errors the reviewer pointed out ("two mugs of and a large muffin") is on the first page. I made it into a bit of a Mad Lib by adding a line next to it. Go nuts:

The reviewer also talked about how names change and in my Mills and Boon epub version both Damon's sister Arianna and his PA change to Analisa and Janey (or was that Jenny). It's certainly no fault of writer Sarah Morgan but the PA's name in particular really confused me.

I've found Sarah Morgan's stuff to be generally enjoyable even if I found "The Greek's Blackmailed Wife" maddening at times. "Doukakis's Apprentice" thankfully goes in the non-maddening pile with "Blackmailed by Diamonds, Bound by Marriage" and the excellent "Powerful Greek, Unworldly Wife".

The main character Polly Price is an enjoyable heroine and what I liked most about her is that she seemed to be someone I would have as a friend. (And I can't say this for any other romance heroine so far.) Polly's a quirky yet practical, accessible young lady and doesn't snivel nor stand on a soapbox and list out all of her company accomplishments to Damon despite having every right to do so. While a romance story wouldn't be a romance story without misunderstandings, none of these are the type to induce headdesk or the classic, frustrated throwing of the book into the wall. Polly's reasons make sense and she clearly did everything she could given her circumstances. Most romance heroines don't come off as being generally caring to me. The reader is usually given so much from the heroine's perspective that she comes off as batty, egotistical, or unreasonable. But not Polly. She genuinely cares about the staff at her father's company and I could feel that. Good job, Ms. Morgan.

Damon, on the other hand, is not unlikeable. However, both Ms. Morgan and the heroine Polly call this fellow out on his crap. I'm so tired of heroes deeming heroines as being over-emotional and illogical that I was happy to see this doesn't get past the radar considering he makes the most over-emotional move in the story: Damon bought Polly's father's company just to get at Polly's father for running off with Damon's sister Arianna. And he later uses Polly herself as bait. What does she tell him?

"I suppose you're sitting there planning new methods to use me to flush my father out of hiding. I'm just a worm on a hook." All the horrors of the night before rushed down on her and Polly touched her fingers to her forehead. "Did you put a hook through my head?"

Nice one, Polly. Also Damon is Greek but I don't see how it matters in the least. He could've been 100% English and it would've been in the same story. In any case, at least this wasn't drummed into the reader like some stories.

My only real issue with the story is the flow. It felt a little disjointed at times (although that probably isn't the right word for it) and I found myself sorely tempted to skip parts and just move along. The ending was also very sudden and this could've been better if it just moved a little slower. We jump into love and marriage at the end when this story seemed more suited to be a one of the two-book stories. Book One could've ended with declarations of love or at least the promise of a future together while Book Two could involve a hurdle Damon and Polly have to overcome before they get married. Instead, this is another single-story book where it feels like it all had to be shoe-horned in when other parts earlier in the story could've been shortened or removed to expand on the ending.

I give "Doukakis's Apprentice" 4.5 out of 5 acorns. Not perfect, but close.
½

9 Stupid Comments about Part I of the New Thundercats!

2011-08-01T23:14:00.002-05:00

And on July 29th a new generation of furries were born...
The freshly rebooted Thundercats premiered on Cartoon Network this past Friday with a special hour-long event. All in all, it is probably one of the best reboots I've ever seen, the second being the last ill-fated reboot of He-Man. Thundercats definetely stomps that crappy new Voltron toon into the dirt.

The voice acting is good but I wish someone else had been casted as Lion-O because all I hear is Terry McGinnis. The scenary is lovely. Most of the character designs are awesome but Panthro's ugly. He wasn't no supermodel before but, damn, he wasn't freakin' hideous. Lion-O flat-face is kinda creepy. Look at him from the side and he barely has a nose. But this is nitpickery for sure. Now on to the list:

1. I knew this was going to be a good show when Lion-O punched a woman in the face. Okay, so he didn't quite punch her. Whatever, let's watch it on a loop anyway.

♫ Gonna fly now... ♫

2. Snarf tripping one of the baddies like an old lady was classic. Because this is how old ladies with cats and without Life Alerts die. They trip over cats. Then the cats eat the corpse. This is my future. And Snarf looks the type.

Whatever shuts him up. If you saw old Thundercats, you know what I'm talkin' about.

3. So Lion-O is a precocious, disobediant, red-headed, bubble-brain, stubborn royal with a cute, pet sidekick fascinated with pieces of crap that promise a world beyond the kingdom he knows? Hmmm...

At least someone's not interested in her voice.
And the Little Mer-lion also runs late to important shit.

I bet they all wish they didn't need four for bridge.
If those bombs he bought from that dog-dude had prongs, Lion-O'd probably be combing his hair with it at the dinner table. And he should. His hair's a mess.

King Claudus originally wanted to name him Goku.

4. At first I thought Tygra knew that was Cheetara he was winking at but in the second part he's all surprised to find out it was her. So he was just flirtin' with some random cleric. That's balls. No, really. That cleric could've been a pretty guy with really smexy eyes. Or had a Mileena-mouth. Or have been an older woman. Do tigers like cougars?

Tygra don't care. Cause that how Tygra rolls. Giggety.

5. When General Grune returned, I realized while he and the king cement their bromance that Claudus has odd yellow things above his eyes and I don't know what the fuck they are.

"Dammit, they're WHISKERS. Gross, fat, yellow whiskers."

6. Grune has one huge ol' fang. HAH. While I'm sure this implies that he once had two fangs and is a bad-ass who lost one due to the ravages of war, I like to think that dentists in Thundera are just really, really shitty.

He also opens beer with it.

7. Awwww, isn't thievery adorable!?

"Robble, robble!"

8. Apparently, cats are the man, dawg. As in THE MAN. So to speak. Because they is oppressing other species.

"This purple shit ain't fruit."

9. The conversation on Lion-O's end of the table must SUCK.

This also makes the footsy a bit awkward.

The Last Airbender: The Legend of Korra

2011-07-24T17:17:00.006-05:00

First footage for the new Avatar series "Legend of Korra" is shown at the San Diego Comic-Con. I can't wait 'til this comes out next year. It looks really exciting! Of most interest to me is the New Team Avatar as the heroine Korra will be joined by two brothers: the fire-bending Mako and his earth-bending brother Bolin. And Mako will be voiced by David Faustino, best-known as Bud Bundy on Married With Children. I can't very well say "no ma'am" to that.

More pictures and factoids about this upcoming series can be found at the Avatar wiki and at Avatarspirit.net.

Esmée Denters - "Love Dealer" ft. Justin Timberlake

2011-05-28T23:23:00.003-05:00

This song deserves to be hotter chartwise than it is now. It's my new fave song of the year. I only wish I liked the rest of the album "Outta Here" as much as I like this one damn song. It reminds me of a long-lost 80's hit that Vanity or Apollonia would have performed. Even the vid is nice and simple, using the city as the backdrop. Esmée is adorable and sexy without being skanky and Justin looks cute in that hat. And I don't even care for JT. Go fig! :\ Those two should just cut an entire album together. That would be awesome. "Love Dealer" will be looped on my mp3 player and computer for weeks to come.

Music Review - Lady GaGa: "Born This Way"

2011-05-25T02:36:00.010-05:00

In many ways Lady GaGa reminds me of M. Night Shyamalamadingdong. When "The Sixth Sense" came out, people--yours truly included--applauded his originality and couldn't wait for the next pile of shit he'd fart out. We were riveted by what twist we'd see next. And as some of us gobbled up "Unbreakable", then "Signs", then "The Village", we began to drop off like flies. Would his biggest twist have been no twist at all? I think so. Lady Gaga could only benefit by taking some notes.

In many ways M. Night Shyamalan reminds me of Lady GaGa. When "The Fame" came out, people--yours truly included--applauded her originality and couldn't wait for the next oozy dance-track she'd poop out of her plastic-lined, rainbow-colored keister. We were riveted by what kind of fucked-up outfit we'd see next. And some of us gobbled up "The Fame Monster", then "Born This Way". That's right. "Born This Way" is Lady GaGa's "Signs". I have not tested if it can also be killed with water.

Some of our old love for Lady GaGa is still in this album. Each beat is poppy and slick, none of the tracks inspiring me to press the skip button. Unfortunately, they don't really inspire much of anything. Don't get me wrong, I found some of "The Fame" to be lacking as well. But that album bore out some damn infectious hits and I don't see any of that here. "Born This Way", the title track, is pretty much a ~~rip-off~~ homage of Madonna's "Express Yourself". I think most people know that and it's actually okay because GaGa does her own thang. It's catchy and listenable, heads and tails above the rest. I really like "Government Hooker", "Heavy Metal Lover", and "Electric Chapel", too, but not quite as much. "Just Dance" from "The Fame" still kicks all of their asses before school and takes their lunch money.

I'd like GaGa to be less daring when comes to costuming and put just as much adventure into her actual music. This album seems determined to showcase Lady GaGa's vocal limitations. She repeats the same words so often you'd think someone taught a parrot to imitate Lady GaGa and it put out this album. Come on, GaGa, you already did this repetitious thing with your last two albums. (Or one and a half if you prefer.) Someone give this woman a meat thesaurus.

There doesn't feel like there's any variety in the sound of this music either. Many of these songs sound like the same damn song with minor differences. She is electro-pop's answer to Nickelback. I wish she had just dialed it back for some of this stuff. You don't have to sing that loud or use a synthesizer all the time. "The Queen" and "Marry The Night" sound like they're going to be something different and then someone decided they needed to be noisy and obnoxious instead.

Thematically, "Born This Way" the album feels superficial. There's religion, fashion, and people being who they are and special and loving themselves or some shit like that. Big whoop. We GET it already: you were BORN THAT WAY. I picture the brainstorm session for this: people, Red One, and GaGa around table that looks like a giant egg covered with purple spots and wondering what words sound cool when repeated by chic gays in teh club.

Finally, that cover's ugly. Why didn't she ask her monsters for help? I've seen fanpages made by fourteen-year-olds edgier-looking than that... back in, like, 1999.

P.S. Stay out of Seinfeld's box.

Average album, average rating. 3 out of 5 acorns.

Book Review: The Heir From Nowhere

2011-05-24T23:56:00.009-05:00

Heh, heh, come on, you and I know he came from somewhere. *snort* Straight from the back:

"You don't know me, but I'm having your baby."

Don't you fellas hate it when that happens?

Dominic Pirelli's carefully ordered world falls apart when a female stranger phones with staggering news: an IVF clinic mix-up means she is carrying the baby that he and his late wife dreamed of having! Though he distrusts her motives, Dominic is determined to keep waiflike Angelina Cameron close. Taking her to his luxury home, the hardened tycoon reluctantly begins to admire Angie's strength and gentle beauty as her body swells with the precious life inside her. But when their baby is born, who will have custody of the Pirelli heir?

Both of them, of course. The book can't end any other way!

Firstly, I must applaud this book for being one of several new books by Harlequin where someone with a brain finally decided to have names that don't have "billionaire", "mistress", and "secret baby" in the title. Also, that cover actually looks like how I pictured these people, depicting them in the pool. Yay for having an event that actually happens in the book.

Author Trish Morey has written a romance novel that won't have you plucking out your eyes or, to use a more realistic reaction, throwing the book across the wall in fury. She presents two flawed people who manage to both be kinda likable.

Heroine Angie Cameron is down on her luck. Her rat of a husband is leaving her and taking all of her good shit and half of her home. Angie and her husband used an IVF clinic but her hubby called it the last straw on their strained marriage when the clinic gave Angie the wrong embryo and she decided to have the baby anyway. As we learn later, Angie was once an abortion possibility herself and she doesn't want to deny the baby a right to live. Fair enough. No, but really, whether you're pro-choice or pro-life, you will agree this boner is a total jerkwad. So she contacts the would-be daddy so the baby can live with his or her natural family after entering the world.

Dominic Pirelli is handsome and rich like most of these Harlequin alpha-male bastards. However, he started out poor, living a scant neighborhood or so away from despondent Angie's current location. He has a somewhat tragic past and hopes by making a lot of money, he can help the people he loves. Unfortunately, the poor fellow ends up losing everyone along the way. This chap just can't catch a break. And his outlook doesn't improve when the IVF clinic admits their whoopsie. Yowch.

So when Angie contacts Dom, he thinks "oh no, this chick just wants to sell me my baby back." She looks sick and poor and while he can't fault her for the poor part, the sick is something else. Dom's deceased wife—that's right, the baby-mama's dead—had an eating disorder and died from it. And poor Dom's all "sigh, not this shit again."

Through a sequence of events, Dom gets to know her little by little and decides his best course of action is for his baby to grow somewhere safe: his giant-ass beach-side mansion. Hey, sounds good to me. So he moves Angie in and the whole growing-closer-together thing begins.

This book never felt like it had a slow spot and every part serves a purpose whether it be in the over-all plot or establishing the characters in the book. Dom's PA Simone seemed a little useless but that was only because I initially expected her to have a slightly larger role in the book. I actually wouldn't mind if she appeared in an equally superfulous role in several different Trish Morey books. Kinda like that Richard Scarry book "Postman Pig and His Busy Neighbors" where you had to look for that pickle in each picture. Ms. Morey, make Simone your pickle!

All in all, this book didn't really stay with me but it was an enjoyable read. Not too much drama and two leads who seemed to be decent people. Because I would've liked a slightly bigger moment to come along and complete the book—we were a little luke-warm here—I'm taking off a tiny sliver of acorn. Also calling the kid AC-DC wasn't cool. That poor child.

4.75 out 5 acorns. ¾

Book Review: The Eleventh Son

2011-05-13T22:15:00.005-05:00

From book description:

On one of his missions, Xiao (the Eleventh Son, known as the Great Bandit) meets Shen, the fairest woman in the martial world. By the will of fate, he rescues Shen several times, which plants the seed of love in both of them. However, Shen is married to a rich young man who is also an outstanding martial artist. As if things were not complicated enough, Xiao has his own secret admirer, Feng, an attractive swordswoman with a quick temper.

Xiao is drawn into a messy fight for a legendary saber, the Deer Carver, and is accused of stealing it. Xiao finds out that the person who has set him up is a mysterious young man with an angel’s face and a devil’s heart. Before he can pursue any further, Shen’s grandmother is murdered, and Xiao is named the killer. It appears that things are spinning out of control…

"The Eleventh Son" is a wuxia novel written by prolific Chinese novelist Gu Long, who wrote over sixty novels before dying at age 48 in 1985 from too much drinky-drinky. To my knowledge, "The Eleventh Son" is the only one officially translated into English. For those of you unfamiliar with the wuxia genre, wuxia stories are based in the times of long ago, chronicling the adventures of Chinese martial artists bound by honor and full of secret fighting styles and techniques. My usual example when explaining wuxia is to say wuxia stories are the book version of the movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon", which in turn based on the fourth book of the Crane-Iron wuxia series by Wang Dulu. [And surprise-surprise, it's not published in English either.]

"The Eleventh Son" has a great start, the story opening with the reader meeting Feng. Feng Seniang is beautiful, over-30, bitchy and awesome. As much as I wish the entire story were about her, she only features in the beginning and the end of the story. Boo hoo. Feng's BFF is Xiao Shiyi Lang, the titular eleventh son whose eleventhness doesn't figure squat except for the sad fact that the other ten are dead and he's oh-so-ronery. Xiao is a sinfully-clever, notorious bandit who has the misfortune of being the scapegoat of the so-called ideal gentlemen. It's not the name of their gang or anything, it's basically a group of characters in the story thought to be honorable and chivalrous. Except they're all nasty rats.

Xiao and Feng begin a mini-quest of sorts for a powerful blade called the Deer Carver, which is being escorted to Shen Manor with the aim of getting an owner. Xiao is blamed for the theft of the Deer Carver and even though he and Feng managed to steal it before the final destination, the one they swiped was an obvious cheap copy. A plot is afoot. It is later that Xiao ends up finding the person who has the real Deer Carver, a fiendish character named Little Mister. Little Mister passes for a scampish, adolescent boy but is actually a beautiful woman and never bothers to change a disguise or anything. She just manages to pass for both and dudes lust for her and shit. Yeah, I'm not touching that one.

Xiao also manages to meet Shen Bijun, a woman otherwise known the prettiest lil' piece in the martial arts world. Shen is married to Lian Chengbi, a man who is handsome, refined, reknowned, wealthy, and about as much fun as a box of paperclips. Xiao is constantly rescuing Shen and the two of them eventually form a couple destined to an ill-fated love. You will literally shake your fist as poor Shen is put through hell, with people she thought she could trust betraying her left and right. She in turn betrays Xiao more than once and you really feel for the poor guy. Although Shen's grandmother does indeed die and Xiao is blamed for it, it's really the least of their problems.

Despite the depth their feelings grow to, these two break each other's hearts again and again. The love story here is poignant and pretty much rivals any Harlequin I've ever reviewed here, making it ironic that this is also my first non-Harlequin review. The story is strong and sorrowful. That's no spoiler, you know how this will likely end. Though there is some unintentional lulz at Shen telling Lian she will not be unfaithful over and over again. Come on, lady, you're in love with another man. It really doesn't get worse than that.

At under four hundred pages, "The Eleventh Son" is a brisk read and a great introduction to wuxia for the uninitiated. It is translated by Rebecca S. Tai and is published by Homa & Sekey Books. I give it my highest recommendation.

5 acorns out of 5.

Book Review: Stay Through the Night

2011-02-13T22:32:00.005-06:00

Liam Jameson is a world-famous writer of paranormal thrillers. But fame has its price, and now Liam lives reclusively on a remote Scottish island. Then Rosa Chantry knocks on his door and throws his world upside down. His desire for her is strong, but his conviction that he cannot satisfy a woman is stronger. But Rosa is persistent, and so is Liam's need for her. She is determined to ease his fear that the past has robbed him of his power as a man...

Okay, so this book's a bit older [from 2006] as I tend to try to review the more recent fare. I stumbled upon it and I figure I may as well blog about it since I haven't been reading all that many Harlequins of late. It's by Anne Mather, who also wrote "The Greek Tycoon's Pregnant Wife" which did make my Favorites list so I was open to reading another one.

Liam Jameson is a male Anne Rice who was attacked by some bat-shit fan who apparently scarred him everywhere but on his hot face. Rosa is an ignorant, too-thin school-teacher with flame-red hair, cheated on by her slimy ex-husband Colin and easily given to wild goose-chases due to her whining mother who favors Rosa's younger sister Sophie. Loose, spoiled Sophie is a Jameson fan and when she disappears, Rosa is pressured into following a noodle-limp lead straight to Jameson's castle.

I usually like the idea of a marred hero but I got the feeling Liam fell under the whole "hey, I'm scarred but not scarred enough". Although this book cover is less dumb than the usual lot of them, that dude in the picture doesn't have a single mark on him. Liam wears long-sleeved shit because he doesn't want anyone to see his scarred arms, why don't these damn covers ever get things right? [Also, he looks like he's biting the heroine but I'll just leave that as being purposeful since brother there writes wamper novels.]

I found it odd that Liam has some real insecurities about being physically cut up yet the heroine's all caught up with his good-looking face and gorgeous eyes. I know these sorts of books are a fantasy but it comes off a bit of a contradiction, no? Especially when he's hesitant about showing her his body and she's all "ITZ OK I LUV U NO MATTER WUT" about it. Doubt you'd be saying that if he had a donkey's face. While having Rosa have to actually go through more of an acceptance of Liam's scars would have been good, I'll just assume the word limit for the book is why we had to kinda rush on through that.

Liam, at least, isn't the standard romance alpha hero who jerks-jerks-jerks all over the place, calls the woman a whore, and then does three to four sentences of groveling and bad explanations before expecting to be taken back. Liam is just understandably grumpy about having his privacy potentially invaded, generally jaded by women after being jilted by his fiancee, and confused about his attraction to a woman he barely knows. I found him amusing and refreshing.

At least once, "virgin" is used like an insult. Which is funny because, really, does the hero ever want the heroine to be a slutty tramp? It's kinda, like, which would you prefer, dude? In this instance, the jokes on Liam when he finds out Rosa is a divorcee who left a five-year marriage and not the untouched tenderfoot that usually stars in these sorts of stories. Yay. Finally, a story with a woman in it instead of some daydreaming little girl. Anne Mather, I could hug you.

While the book does place Liam and Rosa at odds at times, as what must happen in most romances, it is the tension of two insecure people. It is not done with bile or some action that might overwise be unforgivable like an affair or a hidden baby or stealing daddy's company. The result is that it never made me want to bang my head on the keyboard and made this book a very nice read.

4.5 acorns out of 5. ½

Mean Guy On Phone Makes Mean Me Nervous

2011-01-27T23:24:00.007-06:00

I admit it, it really fucking did. Which sounds funny because I talk a lot of shit on the internet but I figure anyone who doesn't like it can shut their window/tab and ignore it. It's not fucking MSN where millions of people see it daily. Talking this kinda smack in person and over the phone is a different ballgame. Anyway, I thought about this particular and utterly unspectacular incident today because I realized that with his confrontational attitude, this dude affected the outcome of the phone call to what it would've been otherwise. And not because I was all "Boo, mean dude. Let's fuck this up for him." Because he made me nervous and I couldn't think straight.

I'm in insurance, like a total dung-worm in the grand scheme of this company. The only thing I can think of is that this boner calling already had a chip on his shoulder and I truly believe he got more irritated at the mere use of scripting. It's like, hey, that call-scripting is there in the first place to convenience you, jerkwad. The company has us read that crap for customer satisfaction. Then he immediately is all "a deer hit me". And I mentioned something like "oh, okay, where did you hit this deer at" and he's all "THE DEER HIT ME". In what, its fucking Lexus? These fucking deer, they're always hitting people. Nobody ever hits these goddamn deer. America's deer apparently have a suicide wish and lust for being smacked around and dying of internal injuries. Come on, just admit you hit the fucking deer. Last I looked, it doesn't make a single fucking difference whether or not the deer actually hit you or you hit it. Okay, whatever, fella.

Of course, I didn't tell him any of that. I apologized as a good worker bee does. Then he's all "this won't affect my rates, will it", which is an adorable question because it's so cute that he thinks I can tell the fucking future. I answer how I don't know whether or not it will or won't, any potential rate increase is determined when his policy's up for renewal, and how we can do a report that will simply look into whether or not he's covered if he's concerned about an actual claim being filed affecting his rates. And he's all "I ASKED YOU A QUESTION" and demanded a yes/no answer all curt like a fucking tough guy chapping my ass less than two minutes into the call. Because goodness knows if I can answer with a simple "yes" or "no", I'd rather not do it and waste his time and mine. PFFT, WHATEVER. I tell him that a report will have no effect on his rates and he's all appeased or as well as an irritated dragon can be.

So I proceed with the report and at the end of the phone call, he's all "well, don't I get to choose a shop [to repair my vehicle]". Okay, so the guy wants us to fix his vehicle with the guarantee of zero effect on his rates? I'm a n00b at this and I honestly don't know if insurance companies these days actually increase the rates because ~~you hit a deer~~ a deer hit you. But this man fails simple logic for the sheer fact that by using his insurance to inspect or repair his vehicle, he is making a claim and that claim can affect his rates. Period. And if he wanted inspection or repair badly enough to call us about it, then just let me do a fucking claim instead of fielding questions I can't freakin' answer. How he can expect a phone-monkey with as much say in company policies as an empy container of shoe polish to guarantee the rates won't increase is fucking beyond me. I can only imagine he is (1) that ignorant, (2) that irritated from life or (3) one of those bullies that tries to get people in organizations to guarantee shit so he can say later how a company rep already promised his rates wouldn't increase. And if it's (3), he's a real ass.

What sucks is that since he was looking for repair options, I should've just gotten him to do a claim so it could get fixed tomorrow. How else is he gonna fix it, going through the deer's carrier? At the very least, the vehicle could've been inspected and depending on the price, he could've elected to pay for the repair out of pocket instead of through insurance. Now he'll be waiting a good four days (because of the weekend) before anything happens. But doggone it, the guy scrambled me up! He didn't scream at me or call me names, he was just being effin' rude. When phone-peeps at work get all bitchy-annu at me, all I can think of was "let's do this quickly so he/she doesn't get angrier" instead of "wait, bitch wants inspection so it has to be a claim". My brain immediately went into DERP/"Don't cut me!" mode and I just wanted to get the information for the report and be rid of Mr. Nasty Pants before he really got annoyed with me and ruined my day. So with that said:

Dear Mr. Nasty Pants,

I hope you get your vehicle fixed and your rates don't increase, but in some diner somewhere I bet some waitress just spat in your coffee. Do yourself a favor and pull the stick out.

Sincerely,
A Drone

Book Review: Gray Quinn's Baby

2011-01-25T23:25:00.009-06:00

Magenta knows having a new employer might be tricky. But she isn't expecting the old-fashioned ruthlessness of Gray Quinn! However, plucky Magenta is up for the challenge, and tries to beat the distractingly gorgeous Quinn at his own game…. Quinn is no New Man—

Bwuh? "New Man"? Is that some sort of Britishism?

—he wants temptingly innocent Magenta in his bedroom, not the boardroom. But he can make her no promises. He'll give her the night of her life, but he might not be there when she wakes up…. And he definitely doesn't want her taking maternity leave!

Firstly, lol @ that cover. These covers never cease to slay me. The heroine looks like an alien with that long neck and gangly arm and the dude's all squinty like Brenden Fraser and Gilbert Gottfried's long-lost love-child. That being said, I am glad she has dark hair instead of those covers where the brunette heroine magically becomes blonde.

Magenta Steele—yes, I too chuckled at that name—works in Steele Design which is daddy's company though I couldn't be bothered to really learn what she does besides put together "campaigns", have themed office parties, and be the HEEEEEART of the office whatever the hell that tripe means. She meets a smokin' hot biker in the parking lot. This isn't a spoiler, it's Gray Quinn. You know it's Gray Quinn, I know it's Gray Quinn. It's Gray Quinn. Why he's all playing bad boy on a bike in the parking lot when he's, like, thirty-two years old, instead of riding in a car like a normal reclusive rich bloke who just acquired said company is anybody's guess. That's just how Gray Quinn rolls. Do not question the Quinn.

Anyway, for whatever reason Quinn's smitten with Magenta. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be able to. Maybe I didn't read closely enough. Maybe Magenta in her gym clothes is just that damn sexy. Perhaps he just likes the bitchy ones and that ain't no crime. He ends up giving her a ride back to her place and all is well. Until Chapter Four.

Chapter Four is the uh-oh chapter. This is the chapter of a perfectly good book where you kinda know something's going wrong but you go into denial and read on anyway in the hopes it will not come to pass. There had already been mention of the sixties hammered in earlier on and I had a sinking feeling it may lead somewhere but I couldn't have imagined this: the heroine gets all dressed up like she's in the sixties, goes to sleep in her office, AND WAKES UP IN THE EFFIN' SIXTIES AND STAYS THERE FOR OVER TEN CHAPTERS.

While I commend this twist on the tried and true formula, I would not have picked up the book if I knew this was gonna happen because now Magenta is IN A DREEEEEEEM and can't wake up. Worse, she's in a sexist dream where all the chicks work the typing pool and get the mens coffee. I tried trudging through it all but this stuff just isn't my bag. Gray Quinn comes in and he's the boss, of course, and they form a relationship, do it, and she ends up with a DREEEEEM baby. BWUUUH? HAHAHA. No, really.

Magenta then wakes up in the present missing her dreeeeem baby but she and Quinn—perhaps feeling rushed that they only have about three chapters to tidy it all together—pretty much pick up where they left off in the dream. There's not much mention as to how she knows who he is (for he never introduced himself in reality) and they interact like old lovers. He takes her home, feeds her, and she begins obsessing that things are happening in reality like they did in the dream. She comes off as "hey, crazy lady" but Quinn—despite voicing some protest—seems relatively cool with it. This leads me to believe he rode that motorcyle too many times with his visor up and all of them dead flies choked his brain stem. At the end, Magenta's pregnant and la-dee-dah everything's Cheerios.

MEH. This made me kinda sad, I do admit. The writing itself is really top-notch and the hero is really good. I guess it was disappointing to start out with a hero like Gray Quinn and feel like we didn't see too much of the REAL Quinn but instead had to settle for DREEEEM Quinn for the majority of the book. The beginning seemed to set itself up for an interesting meeting when Magenta discovers the biker in the parking lot is the new owner of her father's business, but that tension is never hit upon. And although the parallel is obvious that Dream Quinn and Real Quinn are likely exactly alike, it doesn't change that one was still a sixties dream and a product of his own "era" and real interactions would have made a tastier book. It doesn't help that I'm no fan of the sixties either and I just wanted the dream sequence to GO AWAY. I have to wonder if it might've for a while as I got to the point where I just had to scan over the dream as I found it tiresome.

As for Magenta Steele herself, the name sounds pornish and she came through as being sheltered and entitlement-minded. Yeah, her daddy's a sexist pig, but why should Magenta expect to get a company for free? Go work your ass off like Gray Quinn did and get your own company to run, woman. I would like to have been given a reason to like Magenta as much as Quinn appears to. Is it her body, her eyes, her razor sharp wit, her caring heart, her creativity? I DUNNO. If she was even described as being anything other than a "good-looking woman", which could really be ANYTHING, I've completely forgotten. Magenta seems made to be generic so the reader can relate to her, but this quality made her kinda unlikable to me.

Because of the length of the dream, the ending felt rushed despite being about three chapters long. It also turns the focus on Magenta's lost dreeeem baby half-way through, which would've been a more enjoyable concept with a little more time. As Harlequin/Mills & Boon have started doing two-part books, this one probably could've focused on the dream in the first one and taken us back to reality in the second.

As it is, I'm only docking it an acorn for my own enjoyment value. As I said, this is well-written and you won't be pulling your hair out even if you don't dig it. Someone else will love this book, I just know it. If you have a hankering for a book that takes you into a sixties dream sequence for the majority of it, this is the one for you. As for me, I'd rather just read an older Harlequin than be taken there by a newer one.

4 acorns out of 5.

Google honors Dr. King with hopscotch doodle. LOL HUH?

2011-01-17T23:13:00.006-06:00

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. What problem could this cantankerous bitch possibly have with a Google graphic meant to honor Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.? IT HAS NO MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

Now I realize it promotes his message and blah blah blah, but this dude was a prominent civil rights activist that was fucking assassinated. Can't we have his picture on goddamn Google for a single day? We have nearly all of February to have retarded inter-racial hopscotch graphics. Even Pac-Man got his picture on the front page for his anniversary but Google can't put an effin' picture of Rev. Dr. King? What's more, it's ALREADY GONE. Hell, Pac-Man even got the whole week. Congratulations on being Eastern time, Google, while the rest of the country is behind and STILL IN OBSERVANCE of MLK Day. F A I L.

I Answer Other People's Letters #5010611

2011-01-06T00:03:00.007-06:00

Today’s Victim: Dear Abby [1/06/10] Some of the following shit snipped for useless crap:

TAKING ILLICIT PHOTOS COULD LAND GIRL IN LEGAL HOT WATER

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share some important information with "Don't Want to Lose Him in the U.S.A." (Nov. 10). She's the young lady who is being pressured by her boyfriend to take photos of her classmates in the girls' locker room. The students at the high school where I teach recently attended a program on Internet and online safety. One of the things that really surprised them was learning cell phone calls don't just go from one phone to another. .... All sent messages and photos are stored on the provider's server. This means pictures deleted from the phone are never really deleted -- and text messages and photos never go away. .... "Don't Want to Lose Him" needs to clearly understand she might be prosecuted for producing, distributing and possessing child pornography. -- A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER IN CHURCHVILLE, VA.

Because if it's not a deterrent that she'd be the sidekick of a gross, perverted creep, the law surely will be. HO HO. Young people these days DON'T EFFIN' CARE, dumbass. I mean, she named her letter "Don't Want to Lose Him". You know where her priorities lie.

DEAR ABBY: Refusing to take the photos, but keeping it quiet, is not enough. I think "Don't Want to Lose Him" should make copies of your column and paste them on every locker to warn all the girls they are at risk -- even when they think they have privacy. She should also tell the principal, who may be able to provide extra protection. -- SHEILA IN GIG HARBOR, WASH.

If there's anything youngins like to do these days, it's TO READ AND FOLLOW DEAR ABBY. LOL RLY? A copy of an advice column on some kid's locker has about as much impact as a copy of The Watchtower wedged in my porch door. And what makes you think the principal gives a shit? Or that he'd even listen. Nice try. What are you? Eighty? For the record, there's never real privacy in the flippin' locker room.

DEAR ABBY: I think the issue of that young woman's low self-esteem should be addressed. Her boyfriend is holding her hostage to his wishes and desires, and will probably always do so if she continues to stay with him. It's important that "Don't Want to Lose Him" learns to love the principled, intelligent person she already is and continue to stand up for herself. Eventually, someone will appreciate her good qualities and she won't have to settle for less than she deserves. -- BEEN THERE IN ARIZONA

How is she "intelligent" considering the loser she ended up with? Especially since she doesn't want to looo~ooose him? GAG!

DEAR ABBY: "Don't Want to Lose Him" should report this to a trusted adult or school counselor. At the very least, this girl needs to know she will be doing a great service if she lets the other girls know so they can be on the lookout for someone sneaking a camera or cell phone into their locker room. She could also use some support and affection that doesn't come from a manipulative, self-serving "boyfriend." -- LISA IN SAN RAFAEL, CALIF.

School counselors are a fucking joke. You can see how they've helped me. And if she tells the other girls, I guarantee they're all gonna be on the look out for HER sneaking in a camera.

DEAR ABBY: I am a mental health professional. What "Don't Want to Lose Him" is being pressed to do is called "sexting," and it is a criminal offense in almost every state in the U.S. The young lady and whoever receives and distributes those photos could be convicted of a felony, serve prison time and live the rest of [BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH WALL OF TEXT.] -- JACQUELINE IN GIBSONIA, PA.

Congratulations on having a degree in IT'S FUCKING OBVIOUS. I hope you at least don't owe much in student loans. Really though, I love how old people define shit for the rest of us as if they discovered it first. Except I'm fairly certain sexting would be the "Lose Him" girl sending pics of herself to her creepo boyfriend.

Who the fuck cares what the definition is or the law is in this instance? This poor girl is lonely and has never been loved before. And here's this tool playing with her heart and trying to recruit her to be his skeezy voyeur cam or ELSE. Why is no one telling this chick to love and respect herself? Why has no one asked how "Lose Him" would feel if she found out one of the other girls snapped a pic of her ass and spread it all over school? Or why didn't anyone ask her if she really doesn't like having teeth that much because some of those high school chicks would totally knock them out if they found out those kinds of pics had been taken of them?

***BONUS ROUND!!***
From Dear Abby [1/03/11]:

DEAR ABBY: I became a grandmother a year ago. My son told me I have to join a social networking site if I want information about, or to see pictures of, my grandson. He claims I can find out all I need to know on his profile page. Abby, I'm not asking for pictures to be sent in the mail, nor am I requesting constant calls about what is taking place. I'm not completely computer illiterate, but I do have an aversion to being grouped with everyone else. I am his mother, but I don't feel as though he thinks of me as someone special. Am I totally out of touch with today's technology? -- OLD-FASHIONED GRANDMA IN MONTANA

Dear Granny,

If it's any solace, your letter made me seriously fucking mad. If I knew your son, I'd give a kick in the balls for you. Your son is what is known as a technology whore. He is part of the mostly middle-class segment of selfish, spoiled America with too much goddamn time on their hands. These people are so in love with iPhones and Facebook that anyone who doesn't conform to it is inconvenient. "How dare you not answer my text to my convenience! How dare you actually make me visit you and talk to you to communicate!" They take pictures of every other meal they eat and post song lyrics as a status at least five times a week. No, you are not old fashion for not wanting to join his [likely] crappy network of fellow peons.

If I were you, I would call him anyway to initiate conversation. Given the a-hole your son is, he'll probably talk to you while driving using his Bluetooth, but hey, make that technology work for YOU and not him. I would also let him know you can't join his profile thingy because "computers are just too dern hard" and you're too confused by that "FaceSpace doohickey". As an older person, make your age work for you! You can get away with it! What is he gonna do: get angry? Only a total dickwad would yell at a granny for not using a computer "correctly". If you're long distance, try reaching out to his wife or any other relative nearby and see if they can score you pics of your grandson that Mr. Pisspants can't be magnanimous enough to send to you.

Disney's Aladdin: Not as Good as I Remember It.

2011-01-05T23:14:00.005-06:00

"The starving people of Agrabah can't eat your lousy flowers!"
Firstly, I've LOVED this movie for years. I first saw it when I was twelve, bought the soundtrack on tape, and would sing to all the songs and shit. I wanted to Netflix it recently. It's not available on Netflix as of this blogging and hasn't been for a while. Boo hoo. So I ended up borrowing a VHS, popped it in, and BAM. Upon viewing it for the first time in about ten or so years, there're so many things wrong with it. Now I'm hardly gonna declare this flick a POS. It's not. The voice work is good, the visuals are lovely, the songs are still catchy. Here's a random list of rants that kinda knock this movie down a notch. At least where I'M concerned:

1. Cut off my ear if you don't like my face, but I miss that part. Of all of the concessions for Disney to make to the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee. The edited song is retarded. The heat is immense? It's immense in Arizona, too, but no one wants to sing a frickin song about it. I mean, they put in new lyrics but we still have some fat red-shirt telling Jafar how he had to "slit a few throats". I can live without an ear, but I kinda need my throat. It's very fucking inconsistent. And as far as unfair stereotyping is concerned, wording is a lesser offense when Aladdin, Jasmine, the Genie, and the Sultan are all as Anglicized as possible but Jafar and everyone else are "are dark-skinned, swarthy and villainous-cruel palace guards or greedy merchants with Arabic accents and grotesque facial features." I remember being bothered by that crap when I was a kid. Most offensive of all? Not enough hot Arab men. Come on now!

2. On that note, are there ANY Arab people in this film? That shit's just wrong. Robin Williams doing an Arab accent in absence of real Arabs anywhere in the flick just makes the entire room suddenly uncomfortable.

3. What the heck does this movie have to do with the story of Aladdin? We have a dude named Aladdin, a lamp, and a genie and that's pretty much where the similarities end.

4. Robin Williams is annoying as fuck. Some of you are all "well, no shit", but he honestly never annoyed me before, believe it or not. I found myself wanting to reach into the TV and strangle him. When someone comes off more annoying than Gilbert Gottfried in under a minute, there's a serious problem.

5. Horrible lessons. Such as...

* It's okay to steal what you don't got… as long as you share the loot. Aladdin can steal from hard-working folks because he's so damn hungry. In fact, he happily sings and dances about it. Jasmine can steal an apple to feed a child. They are good-looking and heroes and suffer no consequences other than getting some exercise courtesy of the palace guards. If I don't have any bread, it should be well within my rights to endanger someone else's livelihood to feed myself. This is later glamorized when we find out Aladdin's father is KING of THIEVES.

* To fulfill your dreams, you must be rich. Aladdin is poor and free and longs for money while Jasmine is rich and longs for freedom. Earlier in the film, we were meant to believe that, by both of them feeling trapped, they both just saw the grass as being greener on the other side. Instead of Aladdin embracing his freedom and Jasmine learning the responsibilities of her position and wealth, Aladdin just gets rich by association AND EVERYTHING IS ALL BETTER.

* It's okay to lie as long as you tell the truth later. Um, NO IT'S NOT.

6. The Sultan was so damn attached to adhering to the stupid law and then just changes his mind in the end. The fuck? Why'd they even bother making this a plot device? It's like they didn't make the Sultan bat-shit crazy enough and needed to prove in the end that he'd finally snapped. At least adherence to the law meant that he respected traditions. If he didn't like the law and knew the princess didn't, why didn't he change it a long damn time ago?

Also, it would have been hilarious if Jafar wishing himself a genie hadn't backfired like Aladdin thought it would. If genies can be free, then why did turning Jafar into a genie simply not make him a free genie? Even if someone had to wish genies free, the wish could've still effed up and made him a free genie. The wish itself never specified either way.

Music Review - "Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt OST"

2011-01-04T00:11:00.006-06:00

The most awesome anime of 2010 was "Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt", hands down. It was awesome, wacky, filthy, stylish, and completely different from a lot of same-old/same-old animu crap that's been chugging its way from overseas. And at thirteen episodes long, it didn't wear out its welcome either. For you poor souls that have never heard of this great fucking show, the premise is that two fallen angel sisters are trying to earn their way back into heaven by destroying ghosts and getting coins (called Heavens) in the process. Panty is a hot-headed nympho while Stocking is a goth-lolita, bondage-loving, sugarholic. They are guided by a bad-ass priest in a 'fro called Garterbelt and sometimes helped by a green, retarded, Gir-rip-off named Chuck.

But this post isn't about the show however much I should've made a post about it. Because one of the raddest things about Panty & Stocking was the electro-dance-house soundtrack. By TCY FORCE produced by M-Flo's ☆Taku Takahashi, featuring TeddyLoid, Hoshina Anniversary, Aimee B., Booty Bronx, and a bevy of other peeps, you don't have to know who the fuck any of them are except for the fact that they make some boss tunes.

My only gripes…? Firstly, the opening music, "Theme for Panty & Stocking" is TV size at thirty-two seconds long. I would have LOVED LOVED LOVED a full-sized song.

Second, the sweet ending tune "Fallen Angel" with the vocals of Aimee B. (who some of you may know from the musically good but otherwise horrid "Devil May Cry" anime) is nearly sixteen minutes long! Why is that a problem? Well, the song itself is nowhere near that long. It's clocks out around four minutes and after about ten minutes of DEAD SPACE, we get a teaser about a possible second season. Come on, now. This ain't a record. People want to rip and keep this music. What was so wrong with having the song at the proper length and the teaser-thingy as its own unlisted track?

Third, it seems like there might be some music that didn't make the soundtrack which is bewy, bewy sad.

But the "bad news" ain't all so bad. The disc is still a great listen over-all. "Theme for Scanty and Knee Socks" wins the grand prize tho'. That track is tiz-zight! Leave it to those demon sisters to steal the show again.

5 acorns.

I Answer Other People's Letters #4010311

2011-01-03T22:40:00.011-06:00

Today's Victim: Ask Marilyn [1/2/11]:

Some of my readers’ questions would confound the Oracle of Delphi! Here’s a selection of recent unanswerable ones worth pondering anyway:

In other words, "here's some stupid questions to amuse people because poking fun at morons is one of the perks of being an effin' genius". None of them are really 'unanswerable' as they are incredibly fucking stupid and have obviously been printed in her column for lulz, which makes it terribly sad that people are getting lulz from Parade Magazine.

As I travel the highways, I notice signs that read “Deer Crossing.” How do the deer know to cross at those signs?
—from a reader in Ovilla, Tex.

The sign was put there because the deer were crossing there first, asshat. As you clearly don't possess basic logic, please stop driving before you kill someone.

Why are the Three Musketeers always depicted with swords? Why not muskets?
—Burbank, Calif.

Because it's easier to stab someone than it is to shoot them with a musket. Plus, a sword is cooler. Don't disagree with me, douchebag. A better question would have been why the Musketeers are always last to get eaten when they're so damn tasty.

I play racquetball. The court is a large, enclosed room with a 20-foot-high ceiling and one small door, which players use to enter or exit during warm--ups, etc. Why—although this door is open only briefly—does the ball go through it about 75% of the time?
—Spearfish, S.D.

Because it hates you and I hate you, too.

Why do the eyes of life-size cardboard figures of people appear to watch and follow you as you pass by?
—Tyler, Tex.

Because they are. No, seriously, bro, it's just you. You're a paranoid idiot.

I’ve heard that the Earth’s magnetic poles are reversing. Will the strip in my credit card still work? Will my refrigerator repel my magnets?
—Portland, Maine

Send me your credit card and I'll check it for you.

Why don’t eggs taste like chicken?
—St. Louis, Mo.

Because it never formed into a chicken, fuckface. You're eating an abortion. Or as the rich chickens call them, a ski vacation.

Do I have more of a chance of catching a cold if I’m chewing gum and blowing bubbles? In other words, can airborne germs be caught by my bubble and then ingested after it has deflated and the gum is back in my mouth?
—Saddle Brook, N.J.

No. Why the hell would you think you'd have a better chance catching a cold from germy-air touching your gum than by breathing in the germy-air directly? Germ-ass.

Do you know whether Christopher Columbus brought pickles with him aboard his ships when he explored the New World?
—Cary, N.C.

That was a pickle in his pants? I just thought he was glad to see me! [RUNNER-UP ANSWER: Who fucking cares? That's not even a legitimate question.]

The city of Toledo, Ohio, is urging its residents to lose weight to the tune of one million pounds. With that much weight exiting our planet from such a small location, could it alter the Earth’s orbit around the Sun?
—Swanton, Ohio

Yes. We're all going to die. Especially if geniuses like you have bred. We had fewer and skinnier people on this planet for centuries and you think the orbit's gonna be affected by something like that? Maybe you should be more worried about all of that stupid hurling us into the sun.

In movies, when someone gets out of a car at night, why doesn’t the dome light ever go on?
—Sebring, Fla.

It broke. I broke it. Me so sorry.

I notice that global warming increased after daylight saving time started in 1974. Well, duh! More daylight is going to make the world hotter, isn’t it?
—Altadena, Calif.

Well, duh, making it 11 o'clock instead of 12 o'clock doesn't affect the actual amount of sunlight. People don't control the sun, dork-ass.

If a person on television held up a mirror facing a camera, could someone at home see his reflection in it?
—Colorado Springs, Colo.

I'm going to punch a camera and hope you feel it.

Happy New Year! (a.k.a. Let's all live long!)

2011-01-01T23:52:00.007-06:00

Well, it's 2011 and of course New Year's brings New Year's resolutions. Firstly, I never mentioned it before because I didn't want to jinx myself, but I got a job about a month and a half ago! Yay! (The only downer, as you can see, is less time to blog.)

Anyway, at my job we have to complete online courses on ethics and whatnot and--making a long story short--one of the courses brought me to this life expectancy calculator. I don't really want to commit to any resolutions just yet but I have to say adding a possible year or so to my life is a good start. The + and number is in years I could add to my life with a few changes. The age I'll live is estimated to be 84-85. (I had to do this twice and got slightly different results, so I'm splitting the difference.) Here are the changes recommended to me with some of my comments in italics:

Personal
+ 0.25 You noted that you don't manage your stress as well as you could. Do a better job and you could add a quarter of a year to your life expectancy.

Lifestyle
+ 2.0 If it is ok with your doctor, taking an 81 mg aspirin every day improves your hear and brain health and could help you delay or escape a heart attack or stroke. Taking an aspirin each day, perferably in the evening, could add 2 years to your life expectancy. This actually sounds gross to me.

+ 1.0 Ultraviolet rays present in sunlight and tanning beds greatly increase your risk of skin cancer, including melanoma. They also increase wrinkles. Minimizing your sun exposure could add a year to your life expectancy. Yeaaaah... although I said I don't use sunscreen, I have pretty limited contact with the sun to begin with.

+ 1.0 There is a clear link between the inflammation of gum disease and heart disease. Do a good job of flossing daily and you could add a year to your life expectancy.

Nutrition
+ 5.0 Getting your weight down so that you are no longer overwieght could add an additional 5 years to your life expectancy. Working on it.

+ 1.0 The more you can get fast foods out of your diet the better. While you are already doing a pretty good job of doing so, completely removing fast oods from your diet could add a year to your life expectancy. My only real fast food vice is actually frappes. I find the "food" itself is more or less too gross for consumption.

+ 0.5 Osteoporosis (brittle bones) is a terrible disease that becomes more common with older age. Among the important ways to prevent osteoprosis, it is important to have adequate amounts of calcium in your diet. Add more dairy products to your diet or take 1500 mg of calcium a day. Doing so could add a half a year to your life expectancy.

+ 0.5 Cutting back sweets in your diet to 1-2 times per week or less could add half a year to your life expectancy. What? That's no way to live! :(

+ 5.0 Increasing your exercise regimen to 4 days a week could add a year and a half, to 5 days a week could add 3 years, to 6 or 7 days a week could add 5 years to your life expectancy.

Medical
+ 1.0 Examining yourself for cancer could add a year to your life expectancy.

+ 0.5 Being in touch with your health care provider annually is very important to your strategy to screen for and prevent illness. Getting the appropriate blood tests on a regular basis could add a half a year.

+ 1.5 Getting your blood pressure checked annually could add a year and a half to your life expectancy.

+ 0.5 Getting your blood sugar checked could add half a year to your life expectancy.

Personally, the only resolutions I had at this time were to get rid of junk in my room, dress better, pay off one of my credit cards, and buy a Wacom tablet and a car, but hey, I'm convinced to think bigger.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Gayest Movie to Ever Gay a Gay

2010-12-19T20:55:00.006-06:00

Let me preface this by saying I wanted to like this movie. It had some lol and rock-on moments that didn't make it a total waste of celluoid. It also had some pacing issues and some plot-holes like why the hell Scott Pilgrim, who doesn't appear to be good at much of anything, could suddenly turn to such a bad-ass when it came down to a fight.

First off, just what was being smoked when this flick was cast? Scott Pilgrim is some slacker dude that somehow attracts all sorts of hot wimyns like the lovely Knives Chau, Ramona Flowers, Kim Pine, and Envy Adams. Yet this immature, dishonest, cowardly leech has no job, no money, not a lot of talent, and not many prospects. He also has no looks, no charisma, an over-passive personality, and comes off like an annoying, whiney, simpering tool. What about him did these ladies actually like because I couldn't see it? Heck, what about him do his friends like? The minute Michael Cera appears on screen with his weird-shaped head, limp-wristed mannerisms, and sickly gravel of a voice, I wanted to kill it with fire. I couldn't effin' stand him from the very second he opened his slimy fish-mouth.

Why wasn't Scott Pilgrim casted as a cuter guy? Even his sister was super-cute but those genetics checked out with Scott? If not a hot guy, couldn't we at least have had a guy that exudes SOME sort of personality that makes you understand WHY these girls gravitate to some poor, hipster slacker? I can't help but think a different actor could have carried this flick much better. This criticism may lead you to say that an utterly dislikable, space-case, lazy fop of a lead doesn't make a film "gay". Well, that leads to a completely different issue: "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" is the gayest film I have ever seen.

I love "Hedwig and the Angry Itch", "But I'm a Cheerleader", "The Wedding Banquet", "Bad Education", and a slew of bi/trans/gay films. And "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" is the gayest film I've ever seen.

There is an over-kill of gay here. I mean, my gaydar was going off like crazy for EVERY dude that appeared on screen. Every guy on screen. Are they ALL supposed to be gay? Characters that were supposed to be hetero were coming off "gayer" than the gay characters. It was like every male was in the closet and Ramona had major issues to keep dating friend after friend of Dorothy.

I know it sounds hateful and like I'm stereotyping like hell but why does "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" come off more homo than "Brokeback Mountain"? It was too freakin' gay for me! I don't know why this even bothers me so much. Maybe because it felt all on the down-low when I was expecting a movie with a hetero-romance subplot? I tend to think it's making me rage because of that reason combined with the terrible, terrible miscast of Michael Cera. I can't help but think the movie would've been totally awesome as an all-out gay film with a smoking hot Scott Pilgrim fighting some dude's seven evil exes to win his love. I feel like I could've accepted it more if it had been openly gay film rather than what we got: hot girls hanging around and fawning over a total spaz-freak, with him and every other guy in the flick being super feminine, ultra-manscaped, fresh off the set of Queer Eye, and more interested in each other than in anyone without a penis.

Also, I Netflixed this and there are no extras because it's a rental copy? Screw that business.

Book Review: Her Last Night of Innocence

2010-12-07T22:30:00.005-06:00

One of the latest out of Mills & Boon, fairly certain to be published over here as a Harlequin at some point in time:

World-famous racing driver Cristiano Maresca always spent the night before a race in the arms of a beautiful woman… Three years ago that woman was Kate Edwards, and her time with Cristiano awakened her to unimaginable pleasure. But the following day the untameable Cristiano had a near-fatal crash…and then Kate discovered she was expecting his baby… Now Monte Carlo is set to celebrate Cristiano’s return to the track. Shivering with nerves, Kate braves the paparazzi to find the man who set her body aflame – and tell him her scandalous secret… That Italy’s most notorious playboy has a surprise love-child!

Firstly, I tend to like the UK covers better but this cover made me rofl. Seriously, dude looks like a Head Boy from Harry Potter. Of course, most of the people on the covers of these things don't work for me anyway but I liked this cover better when they cut off part of his face as seen on the M&B website.

"Her Last Night of Innocence" is another foray by India Grey, a relatively new author first published by M&B in 2006 with "The Italian's Defiant Mistress". The only book of her's I've read besides the one in this review is "Powerful Italian, Penniless Housekeeper", which if I recall correctly didn't wow me but certainly left me open to try her other stories.

I have to say I really, really liked the prologue, which must be a 5-acorn beginning fer sure. We meet the hero—Italian race car pimp Cristiano Maresca—and the heroine—British bottled-water marketing assistant (I guess) Kate Edwards—and immediately jump into the action, which literally ends in flames and derails Cristiano's career.

Four years later, we discover Cristiano baked his ciabatta loaf in Kate's oven, resulting in a son named Alexander. Kate was never able to see Cristiano since the fateful day of his crash and has the chance to confront him now that he's re-entering the racing game. I liked how both of the main characters have a heavy personal demon to fight. Kate lost family due to reckless driving, which creates a conflict when it comes to her feelings for Cristiano. Meanwhile, Cristiano has esteem issues from a learning disability and on top of that is struggling to race again. He lost a small chunk of his memory from before the crash and it's screwing with his ability to race. Additionally, that particular chunk of memory was super-important and without it he remembers virtually nothing of Kate or their magical evening.

Side characters like Kate's boss Dominic and Cristiano's lady-doc Fournier do their part to move the story along without feeling forced upon us. The moment when Kate becomes sick at a particular "art display" is strong and when Cristiano kisses Kate and she believes he remembers her was one of the top genuinely heart-breaking moments I've read in one of these books. Kate's urgency to return home when Alexander gets sick was also well written. All that said, this book isn't without its flaws.

It was maddening that during Kate's subsequent stay with Cristiano, telling him he had a son took priority under getting herself some hot Nascar lovin'. It was only through a misplaced letter—which you know is getting misplaced the minute the idea of writing down a secret is mentioned—that Cristiano follows Kate and meets his son. From then on, it gets a little... well... boring actually. I found myself struggling to read through the rest of this about as much as Cristiano would.

Cristiano's vampish assistant Suki was also underused. I really wanted the claws to come out with her and she was kinda "meh" throughout the whole thing that I saw no point in including her in the first place. I saw the stepping stones for some high drama in her character as Suki was at least somewhat infatuated with Cristiano but that never came to fruition other than she MAY have told a little lie. It would've rocked if she had somehow gotten that letter first but alas, she doesn't do much but snark here and there and help move Cristiano's career forward.

More drama also should've come into play with Cristiano trying to win Kate's love. As I've seen in a lot of these books, the heroine becomes a bit of a jaded pill (and rightly so) but the hero's all "I'm here now, deal". I wanted him to be more dashing and romantic! He has his jerk-modes at times and it makes him difficult to love. There was also a tidy helping of father-son mush between Cristiano and Alexander that will make fans of that sort of thing go "AWWWWW" but made me kinda stick in my finger in my mouth. I don't read these books to read about keedz.

For those that may be wary of the whole race car romance thing, the racing and the cars of said racing really take a backseat to the story so there's nothing to worry about on that front.

In any case, I felt this book was among the more decent ones I've read. Despite that it lost me in the last few chapters, there are parts of it that are pure gold. While it doesn't make my keeper list, I'm giving it a solid 4/5 acorns and will definetely check out more by India Grey.

6 Reasons Why I Hate "Tangled"

2010-12-05T23:52:00.017-06:00

1. CG. OMG, I'm so sick of this crap. The sad thing is if CG had failed, no one would want to try it so CG would've been dead. But since it thrived, 2D is getting kicked aside. It's all BS. I mean, Disney owns Pixar. Why not just have all the computer shit come out of Pixar and the rest of us can have our 2D? I don't even care if we don't have cels at this point, just frickin' draw it instead of rendering it. Everybody looks plastic and ugly.

"Ah, what movie can I ruin today?"
2. Sexism. Flynn Ryder. EW. As far as I'm concerned, this little know-it-all bitch stole Rapunzel's movie. He narrates AND he's a scene stealer. Rapunzel should've been the star, instead we have this joker out here so boys won't be scared off of a movie called Rapunzel. Because that would be bad, you know. It's a terrible, terrible thing to have boys and men like a movie starring a chick because it, like, makes them gay or something stupid like that. This foreign poster rocks. <===== It shows the Flynn jerk-off where he belongs, which is NOT on equal ground with Rapunzel. But he has to be equal in Western markets! Boys would rather play with trucks than see a good story starring a girl! In case you're missing it, I'M BEING SARCASTIC. Never mind that Flynn Ryder has the name, looks, and mannerisms of Disney's first gay poster boy.

Look at this concept art! He was hot and they ruined him! Even the voice was terrible. Nothing against the duder from Chuck but his voice is not sexalicious. Shoot, Ron Perlman was in this movie, why wasn't HE the hero? His voice is incredible. For that matter, there were no hot guys in this movie. Every other dude looked like a damn troll. Hot guys plox. I don't think it's too much to ask for.

3. Damn animal sidekicks. The little chameleon was cute but annoying horse is annoying. The horse was taking it too far. When the horse basically saves the day, it's taking it too damn far. Did anyone else think of True Lies when the horse jumped off of the castle? Shouldn't that horse have snapped a leg? Anyway, what was wrong with having Rapunzel arrive in the nick of time to save Flynn? Little boys don't want to watch that? Gimmee a break.

4. Racism. Whitey-white white white. I know what you're thinking:

(1) Rapunzel is a German fairytale, there ain't no coloreds there!
(2) Not everything has to meet EEOC codes.

Well, you know what? Disney dicked around with everything else, so what would've been so wrong to have characters of color or at least voice actors of color? Not to mention it discriminates against other white people, too. Where the hell's the German culture? It's not like there was German language or any German accents either. (At least "Beauty and the Beast" took a nod to the French!) Of course, I skipped a scene or two so it may have been shoehorned in. And if it was shoehorned in, it's still frankly not good enough.

These movies always get the same damn vocal quality for everyone. Everybody sounds like the same white person by default and only exhibits something else as required, resulting in funny-sounding Mexicans, honor-bound Asians, ghetto African-Americans, snobby Brits, and snooty French, etc. God forbid we have a black scientist or a Spanish-speaking hero. Rapunzel sounds bookwormish and headstrong like Ariel and Belle. Flynn sounds like Eric and every other generic prince-type. Gothel sounds like every other mean witch. What I liked so much about The Princess and the Frog was that the voices were different from the usual heroes and villains we hear in Disney features. Can we cast people with gruffer voices, higher voices, and accents more often? It always has the same bland middle America white-bread sound! BAH.

5. Smart-ass. Why do all the animated movies these days have to act all street-wise? Can't we try more playing it straight, having scenes with a real magic wow factor, having a dark but still family-friendly story? Everything has to be fucking Shrek. "You might've heard this story before, but here's what really happened." What really happened is I got sick of snarky fairytales and shoved my fist up Flynn Ryder's ass.

6. So what's the moral here? I mean, Gothel was minding her own damn business, right? She found that flower and sung to it to stay young. If I understand correctly, anybody could've come up to the flower while Gothel was gone and also used its power, so it was free to anyone who could find it. But because someone rich and royal and powerful got sick, that gave them the right take it for themselves. Don't take other people's things for yourself and maybe they won't kidnap and abuse your child.

While the backgrounds were cute, the music okay, and Mandy Moore as Rapunzel complete with pet chameleon was ADORABLE, it got bogged down big-time. Especially considering this cost of $250M to make!

And was it just me, or was it implied Rapunzel and Flynn Douche lived in sin before getting married? Or at least just having dated a long while? I guess they were trying make it contemporary. FAIL. It's a fairy tale. Either marry them straight away or leave it ambiguous. And this has over 90% at Rotten Tomatoes? What's wrong with you people?

Wawa Waltas 10 Most Fascinating People: I can't believe anyone gives a rat's ass.

2010-11-30T00:43:00.009-06:00

No word yet on the status of the Situation's left hand.
Walters spotlights year's most fascinating people.

Okay, I admit it. I loved 20/20 with Barbara Walters and Hugh Downs. And I did used to watch Barbara Walters's specials about the most fascinating people. I knew early on that these people were in no way the most fascinating. It's pretty much a giant popularity contest and my issue with it comes from the fact that I believe it's firmly Walters's mission to pick the most annoying people possible.

I mean P@lin? AGAIN? For the third freaking year? Thanks an effin' lot, stupid ABC. First you cast her open-legged daughter on your "Prancing with the Z-List" ball-dance crap-fest and now this. You know what I find fascinating? That a book-burning, cotton-brained loser who couldn't even cut it as governor of the least densely populated state in the damn country (and who probably cost McCain the election imo) is STILL considered relevant and interesting. Puke.

"So tell me, what do you weeeally think of Biebuh Feebuh?"
And the entire cast of Jersey Sh0re? Really? Pseudo-Italian human garbage? This is what constitutes "fascinating" these days? Bieber? Similar to last year's inclusion of Lady Gaga, Babs is always the last one to jump the bandwagon. J-Lo? What the hell has she done lately to make her so damn fascinating? I mean, she secured an American Idol gig but so did Steven Tyler and I didn't see his name on the list. Why don't we make her fascinating after she doesn't kill AI next season?

The only ones that make any sense to me are Betty White and Kate Middleton. Sandra Bullock would've been more appropriate LAST year.

What about Brazil's new President-elect Dilma Rousseff? As far as performers go, Katy Perry seemed poised to nearly be there. Conan O'Brien's had a rough friggin' year. And there's People's Sexiest Man Ryan Reynolds, poised to star as the Green Lantern next year? (Although I think they might've had a special that already milked that cow.)

Or what about that jerk-off that founded Facebook? He had an interesting year with that movie out. Or one of the Potter kids, like Emma Watson. And if Walters had to have one P@lin on there, why not the daughter? She was the one making waves on TV and getting more publicity for her mom via her groupies. M. Night Shyamalan would have been an interesting interview. At least until I remember Barbs would never call him out on his racist crap in "The Last Airbender" because she needs to maintain "journalistic integrity". *snork*

Zayra - Baby Likes To Bang - Official Video

2010-11-20T20:12:00.004-06:00

The official vid for Zayra's latest single, "Baby Likes to Bang", is out now. I'm conflicted on this because, while I love the imagery, I can't say I really care for the DJ Escape remix. I really would've loved to have seen the video set to the original mix because the original "Baby Likes to Bang" is effin' groovy beyond improvement any DJ could possibly bring to it. Anyway, a load of snazzy remixes are available at ~~iTunes (yuck)~~ Amazon (yay!) as "Baby Likes to Bang [Disc 1]". The only thing I dig more than the mouse ears would be a Burger King paper crown.

Kelly Osbourne's Bikini Bod!

2010-11-18T23:41:00.008-06:00

Good for her. Something good should come out of Dancing With The Stars considering what a crap show that is. And it IS crap. Less than twenty minutes of dancing sandwiched between megatons of commercials and unwanted commentary. Not to mention this season where the dumb viewers are voting off the best dancers for a fame-monkey WHO ISN'T EVEN A STAR. Whatever, who gives a damn? Kelly looks great.

On how criticism of her appearance used to affect her:
"I was so angry about the things people said about me. I truly believe it's the main reason I turned to Vicodin and ended up in rehab three times. I just hated myself."

I tended to turn to Ding Dongs myself, but live and let live. Hope it lasts for her and she doesn't bounce back like Kirstie Alley did.

And why am I even blogging about Kelly Osbourne? Because I like Ozzy's music and Sharon Osbourne is the best damn part of The Talk? Well, I also liked Kelly's stuff. Sleeping in the Nothing was a fab dance pop album, each track listenable from beginning to end. Loved it, even if lead single "One Word" did totally rip Visage's "Fade to Grey". (But they did eventually get royalties, so doesn't everyone win?) Frankly, I prefer "One Word" to the Visage track. Here's the official vid, although I find the audio quality to be lacking on all copies of the video I found:

"Mean Bloggers" Make Steve Harvey Cry

2010-11-13T15:39:00.006-06:00

Warning, this is over 8 minutes long and watching the whole thing may be painful. Not in the "poor Steve Harvey" way or "Oh, jeez, grown man blubbering on TV. AWKWARD" way, but in the "why the hell am I watching this? Oh God, is this my life? I should go bang my head in the wall" way:

Firstly, I haven't heard of Steve Harvey since commercials for episodes of the Steve Harvey show back in 2002 or whatever. So I see this video and he's all "boo hoo, mean bloggers". Apparently he was being called out for being a bigot, among other things, and the internet is flooded with smack on the guy. Why?

Well, apparently not believing in God means a person has no moral compass. Note Tyra's uncomfortable rendition of the "polite titter":

He also called atheists "idiots" on Larry King. Ironically, the transcript on that page has Joy Behar telling Steverino: "'Cause it’s a free country, thank goodness." Then Stevie wants to cry later about "mean bloggers"? I didn't see him considering any atheists' feelings. Don't dish it if you can't take it.

He has also profited from the above through a best-selling book, a paper brick with large font and a larger name full of gems like this one:

M]y girls and my concern for the future inspire me [to write this book] as well. They will all grow up and reach for the same dream most women do: The husband. Some kids. A house. A happy life. True love.

He forgot baking cookies, sewing ripped crotches on pants, and giving head dressed as June Cleaver.

Let me make it clear that I am not an atheist and don't really care what them or anyone else gets called by Steve Harvey, a person of modest celebrity that has never had a place of relevancy in my life. But sheesh, Steve, if you're gonna go calling a whole group of people idiots and dogging on their beliefs, don't be so damn surprised to find them biting back at you. What's more, who says you even have to read it? Doesn't your religion teach "turning the other cheek" or somethin'?

I will close with a quote from our pal Steve Harvey. Remember children, haters gonna hate, players gonna play, bloggers gonna blog:You know, the Internet has become this place for evil to dwell. Y’unnerstand? They… people who blog… who have no sense of reality… they just blog about you–don’t even know you! I got kids, man, be reading stuff that ain’t true ’bout their father. You understand? I know you know. Because they–they–they–people just blog!

Frisco bans the Happy Meal; Fat-asses Rage

2010-11-11T17:10:00.010-06:00

In case you haven't heard about this already, straight from the horse's mouth... the horse in this instance being a reliable old nag known as the Associated Press:

Or for the simpler, readable version, here's a quote from Top News Buzz:

San Francisco recently passed a law which states that breaks down the concept of giving away free toys accompanies with unhealthy restaurant meals for children. The San Francisco Board of Supervisors passed the law last Tuesday and had an 8-3 vote. This law would take effect on December 1, 2010.

The crazy thing is that people are actually all, "Boo, our personal freedoms! Y!" HUH? Child obesity in this country is nuts, everybody knows that. Why should a business be allowed to profit from this?

From Happy Meal insanity:

"When George Orwell wrote about government control in his novel 1984, McDonald's hadn't even invented the Happy Meal yet."

I KNEW blankety-blank Orwell would come up somewhere. This is because Orwell supported the U.S. becoming OBSCENELY FAT. Four legs good, two legs baaaad!

In How Banning Happy Meals Could Make Kids Fatter, the guy's reasoning is that kids will get their fattening meal plus toy elsewhere. Um no, it's not just the Happy Meal, it's all kids' meals. Nice try. Unless little Katelyn wants to ride her Schwinn to Oakland.

From Fast Food, Happy Meals, and Legislating Personal Responsibility:

It should be your right to make bad choices for your child; send them into a lifetime of bad habits; foster your child’s life of gross obesity; and set the stage for your child’s early death.

Look, I am not a parent, I speak out as someone that was often tossed a Happy Meal when I was a child. My parents' idea of fostering healthy living was buying skim milk to go with my giant slice of chocolate cake and half-dozen Oreos. I rather wish that, when I was a child, SOMEBODY had made the available food choices healthier.

As a person who developed weight problems as a child and then had it balloon to 210 lbs. in early adulthood, no, I do not think it's okay to preserve a parent's right to completely ruin their child's health. As a little girl, I was never educated by anyone on what to eat or how much. According to public opinion, this is clearly because I didn't have any "personal responsibility". Sure, I was only nine years old when I started packing on weight, but I should've had personal responsibility and demanded broccoli! Since you can't see me, I'M ROLLING MY EYES.

I mean, shit, did you really expect my parents to do it for me? My dad's idea of a "snack" is pieces of breaded, fried catfish in between two slices of white bread. My mom's idea of desert is half a cake, a pack of M&M's, and an ice cream cone. (But only one because she already had cake.) Hyuck! "But it's the right of people like that to fuck up your health!" You know what? FUCK YOU.

Saying crap like "America, learn responsibility!" makes the assumption that everyone has the tools, knowledge, and ability to make healthy eating choices. Of course, upper middle-class and rich people are especially stupid in this regard since the bulk of them are ridiculously blind of their own socioeconomic advantages. This is a country where you can't even give away rye and pumpernickel to poor people! How much control do you think a kid has in household with other obese people? Adults who refuse to change? No money, no support of any kind in the home, so what chance do these children have? Can we at least start with the damn kids' meals?

The notion that this is ruling somehow Orwellian in nature is utterly ridiculous. Nobody's made it illegal to buy junior a Big Mac with fries and a large Coke. Nobody's made it illegal for McDonald's the repackage the current Happy Meal as a Mini-Combo and sell the toy seperately. You can buy the toy on its own already. The nature of the Happy Meal is in that it's aimed at children. By packaging the toy, it is specifically branded to children. Why was it okay for them to nix Joe Camel (which I don't agree with at all, but whatever) but Ronald and the ol' Golden Arches can throw a bunch of breaded salt into a fryer and market that shit directly to children? The least that can be done is to make the actual meal healthier. Why should stuff marketed to children be allowed to contribute to serious health issues later on in life?

Why I don't like it when you drink...

2010-11-11T15:47:00.006-06:00

If anything has added to my "lame" status over the years aside from my lazy excuse for fashion sense and generally quiet, anti-social nature, it's been when people realize that I'm pretty much a teetotaler. I swear, it's like you grow an extra head when you tell people you don't consume alcohol. You're a leper and no one wants to touch you. You can't "loosen up". I've been shown pictures of people boozing away and been "regaled" with stories of them vomiting and driving drunk and I'm supposed to clap and award these losers medals.

You see, I'm clearly not "living life", or so I'm told. I find this ironic considering the people who tell me that have been proven to drink to ridiculous excesses, presumably to escape the very life they so claim to luuuuuuuuuve livin'. If you need liquor to get over your inhibitions that damn badly, I hate to break it to you--okay, actually, I'd luuuuuuve to--but you haven't made any progress. You're like an old man and his viagra: needing a dose of something-something to get the job the done but still pathetically and woefully impotent.

Anyway, I digress. The fact is I just don't like it.

1. It tastes like crap. I like to call liquor "Bath & Body Works" because it tastes like some body spray I accidentally tasted. (HA HA ho, no.) I like to taste alcholic drinks out of pure curiousity and frankly I haven't found anything I'd consume on its own without using it in food or something. You may as well tell me you eat paprika by itself.

2. It ruined my birthday party. I was a little kid and a bunch of my relatives came over and got drunk. At a CHILD's party? I mean, I'd go to school and learn the dangers of alcohol and how it's killed people and then I get to celebrate my eighth or ninth or whatever birthday with a bunch of booze-hounds. That put a worse taste in my mouth than actually tasting the stuff as an adult. Beer and cigarettes do not belong at a child's birthday party and any time I see them there, I die a bit inside. And I thought getting packs of notebook paper one year made me a bitter pill.

3. No respect for moderation. "WHY CANT I HAS A GLASS OF WINE?" First of all, no one's talking about a glass of wine, stupid. This is clearly about people who just chug it away like it's water that's gonna win them a Wii, conveniently forgetting that woman died. Anyway, do you think me or anyone else for that matter gives a rat's ass about someone who only has a beer or two or sips a glass of wine with their dinner? Don't be retarded.

4. It's a ridiculous status symbol. Like a douchetastic pair of over-priced sunglasses or a groovy national landmark, people can't resist posing with it in pictures with a smug sense of pride. And then they actually publish these online! Do you see me smugly posing with a gallon of milk or a quart of juice, dumbass? You DO realize it makes you look STUPID, right? And unless you're an avid wine connoisseur or the owner of Budweiser or something, you don't need to pose with any alcohol.

5. It makes you indignant of the law. My favorite one? When people are all bitching about going to jail or paying fines on multiple DWI offenses. "Damn the law! Trying to save innocent drivers by punishing me! It'soooooo unfair!" BAAAAAAAAAAAAAW.

6. It ruins sober people. I've met a lot of funny, smart folks at work and school. Or at least I thought they were. Get these folks liquored up and watch out, bro! "OHHHHH, but I'm just livvvvvin' life." Sad, because I liked you before you turned into a babbling, potato chip-spewing drunken asshat with no self-respect. Lots of awesome actors, singers, and talented people wasted by this crap. Come on, you know it. Rehab this and rehab that.

7. Point, stupid counterpoint. "But they do it in EURRRROPE!!" Then solve both our problems and MOVE TO EUROPE. "I can DIE for my country but I can'ts drink!" The fact that you compare the lost lives of our military men and women in service to our country to your legal inability to get hammered shows why you have not been deemed mature enough to drink. "Why can't I HAS A GLASS WINE?" Because in loads of lovely, retarded internet arguments, it always comes down to a damn glass of wine. Hey, I think we all know it's not about "a glass of wine" so shut-up.

8. It smells... like broken promises and dreams of Christmas past.

9. I do not feel safe on the roads on weekend nights. I really don't do it and it makes me a bit apprehensive when I am out there. "Fifty-four percent of all teen motor vehicle deaths occur on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Thirty-five percent occur between the hours of 9 p.m. and 3 a.m." And those are just teens! Boo! I don't wanna die, homes.

10. My uncle almost hit me in the head with a plate. Drunk people + repressed problems is the recipe for a made-for-tv movie on Lifetime. Tons of people with crappy lives tend to turn towards firewater, denying the fact that once they leave Beer-Narnia or wherever they go, their problems will still be waiting for them. Hey, I haven't seen anybody's life improved by the stuff either.

11. People destroy themselves and then want free organs. Truth, I tell you, truth! These people whine and whine about dying and needing a kidney or a liver after forty years of hard drinking and get all bitchy when you won't let them farm you for parts. Then they get their whatever and don't curb their bad habits. Aren't there better people these organs can go to? If you want to destroy your liver, fine, but don't make it everyone else's problem. Don't make people pony up for your medical care when you didn't give a damn about your body in the first place. Speaking of which...

12. It wastes money. (1) How much more government bread are they gonna spend on "prosecuting" spoiled rich jerks when John Law doesn't even mete out any real punishments? Let's just leave Lindsay and Paris alone. Then, when they hurt someone or destroy property, sue their asses for a megaton of cash. Rehab is a joke. Jailtime is a joke. Ankle bracelets are a joke. Stop wasting tax payer dough unless you're serious. (2) If you're so damn poor, stop buying beer and pay your rent! If I bought $50 worth of gum each week for myself, you'd think I'd have a serious problem, right? $50 worth of beer isn't any better.

13. Ridiculous level of public acceptability. In an era of "Jackass" and other MTV garbage, it's no small wonder why these antics are lauded. There is no sense of shame anymore. In fact, it's a worse crime to be a virgin or live at home than it is to have a drinking problem. This is because people who drink, like shoplifters and constantly pregnant welfare moms, are just "livin' life".

Hey, if all that crap ^ is "living life", no thank you! :)

EDIT: Forgot one! #14. Free license to act like a jerk and talk trash. But you didn't mean it because YOU WERE DRINKING. Hey, you chose to drink sober and you probably really think those things anyway, so you meant it by proxy. Prefacing insults with "He's a really nice guy but" don't help either. Especially when you then crack a joke at his expense and expect the whole table to laugh. Boo.

Yeah, I know, I'm a jerk, too. Hey, at least I own up to my shit and don't hide behind a bottle.

Music Review: Florrie - "Introduction"

2010-11-10T12:49:00.003-06:00

Florrie's first EP is already available for download at her website: http://www.florrie.com/. If you would like to support Florrie's endeavor to bring us bitchin' music, you can pre-order the EP from iTunes... or just wait until Amazon gets it because iTunes is a piece of crap.* You can also buy other fly Florrie merch in her online store. She has a neat t-shirt of the album art on her website that I'm this close to buying because I'd totally love to wear her face. So, onto the EP... Tracks are:

1. Call of the Wild
2. Give Me Love
3. Summer Nights
4. Left Too Late

Choosing a favorite would be like choosing a favorite child although I am childless but in theory it'd be, like, totally hard to. But yeeeeeah, ahem, I love "Summer Nights"! For some reason, I imagine myself on a yellow moped in Italy riding on a stretch of road overlooking the beach. But not near any volcanos like Vesuvius or some shit because I don't want to die. Want a remix, want want want!

This entire album is poppy yet mellow. It's makes little happy marshmellows grow in my heart.

5/5 acorns.

Oh yes, and the offficial vid for "Give Me Love":

* I searched on Amazon BTW and it's there with Florrie's "Call 911" remixes for Kitsuné, it's just not available until November 15th.

Why Capital vs. Thomas is a load of horseshit.

2010-11-05T22:42:00.009-06:00

"Lady, look out behind you!"
If you need some reading materials on the subject, you can go to either Single mom can't pay $1.5M song-sharing fine or The RIAA's latest victory over Jammie Thomas-Rasset. Here's an older article about the matter: Thomas testimony ends with tears, anger, Swedish death metal.

The gist is that a Minnesota woman named Jammie Thomas-Rasset was using a file-sharing application, Kazaa, to download music. The nature of peer to peer file sharing means that while you download something, you are helping others download the same file through whatever pieces of the file you possess while downloading. Thus, whether you mean to or not, you are also sharing music. She apparently did this with over a thousand songs. After not paying the amount demanded by a desist letter, also known as toilet paper, the case went to trial. Over the years, she had been found liable for various amounts, with the latest amount being $1.5M. Despite the emphasis that Thomas-Rasset is a repeat offender, this lawsuit, formerly Virgin vs. Thomas, is not for damages from thousands of songs. It is only for 24 songs:

* Guns N Roses "Welcome to the Jungle"; "November Rain"
* Vanessa Williams "Save the Best for Last"
* Janet Jackson "Let’s Wait Awhile"
* Gloria Estefan "Here We Are"; "Coming Out of the Heart"; "Rhythm is Gonna Get You"
* Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"
* Journey "Faithfully"; "Don’t Stop Believing"
* Sara McLachlan "Possession"; "Building a Mystery"
* Aerosmith "Cryin’"
* Linkin Park "One Step Closer"
* Def Leppard "Pour Some Sugar on Me"
* Reba McEntire "One Honest Heart"
* Bryan Adams "Somebody"
* No Doubt "Bathwater"; "Hella Good"; "Different People"
* Sheryl Crow "Run Baby Run"
* Richard Marx "Now and Forever"
* Destiny’s Child "Bills, Bills, Bills"
* Green Day "Basket Case"

Am I the only one who finds the fact that a song called "One Honest Heart" is up there funny? Anyway, with the latest settlement, that is a staggering $62,500 A SONG. Even half of that, $31,250, is grossly unreasonable.

Let's take an example: "Bathwater" by No Doubt sells for 99 cents on Amazon. (I won't even see if it's the same price at iTunes because iTunes is a piece of crap.) Rounding down, that is 31,565 people that Thomas-Rasset would have had to share "Bathwater" with to even make the latest settlement halfway logical. This still makes some big assumptions though.

1. Would all 31,565+ people including Thomas-Rasset have ever bought "Bathwater" in the first place? I guarantee you that if all of those people were ordered by the court that they would have to pay for the song or get rid of it, over half of them would hit the delete key. Not everything that is pirated is something that ever would have been purchased to begin with! Hey, I like the song, don't get me wrong. But the RIAA, Capitol, and all of those other monkeys need to accept the fact that shitloads of people would rather not have a lot of music than pay for it. Therefore, what money did Capitol lose from the people who NEVER would have bought it? And why should Thomas-Rasset be liable for it?

2. How do you prove that she even shared it with 31,565+ people? Now I'm no lawyer, but shouldn't there be a burden of proof here? Can they just pick a number out of their ass? I mean, they were willing to settle for $5000 dollars back in August of 2005. Why isn't the figure Thomas-Rasset is supposed to pay not $5000 plus court costs or something. In what universe is it okay for that to balloon to $1.5M? Shoot, I watched Judge Pirro today and some woman was suing her ex for a car that she had been in the process of selling to him. Her original price was $800. He paid $300, but not the rest. And this lady wanted more than $500! Judge Pirro called that shit out and I'm calling out this. RIDICULOUS, friend. No effin' way.

3. How do you know 31,565+ people didn't already own "Bathwater"? How many of these people already had "Return to Saturn", "The Singles Collection", or the "Bathwater" single and for whatever reason just wanted a digital download from somewhere. By saying Thomas-Rasset is liable for "Bathwater" being shared without compensation, the courts are also saying these people should have bought a digital copy from Amazon or Asstunes of SOMETHING THEY ALREADY OWNED. I mean, we're still allowed to rip our CDs for our own personal use, aren't we? If my copy of "The Singles Collection" is at home and I'm a friend's house and want to sync "Bathwater" to my MP3 player, why the hell should I have to pay AGAIN? What's wrong with just snagging it online? Not to mention the folks that liked "Bathwater" so much they went and bought a CD or digital download. Where are they in this equation? Yes, they initially took it for free but is a subsequent purchase 100% meaningless? Furthermore, if my computer, MP3 player, or copy of the CD is stolen, shouldn't I be able to replace a song I've already bought?

Now this case is too complicated to make proper points on every little issue. Although Thomas-Rasset has been accused of playing the "single mom can't feed mah keedz" card, I have no idea what bankrupting this woman is supposed to prove besides that Capitol and the RIAA are insanely greedy and effin' nutso. She stole music, she got caught. And people are like, "well, if she shoplifted a purse, blah blah blah". Digital media is not comparable to shoplifting a goddamn purse or a dress. People who want a song but don't want to buy it can rip an MP3 from a friend's CD, get an MP3 from a relative, or rip a CD from the library. You can't borrow a freakin' purse at the library. Purses don't have the ability to multiply beyond the realm of control. Get real, folks.

One of the comments for the MSN article said something like if Thomas-Rasset had shoplifted all of the CDs these songs came from, the penalty would be NO WHERE near $1.5M. And while peer to peer file sharing has the ability to share from millions, the fact is that millions who are stealing songs like "Bathwater" are not ALL using a single source like Thomas-Rasset for all of their music needs. It's like they're trying to make her pay for every single theft of the damn songs.

I do not believe it would be correct to merely find her liable for the initial cost of the songs, around $24. If she perjured or did anything else to affect the outcome of this case, she should be fined. Penalties and violations of the law are due for the thefts; Okay, I get it. But in a lawsuit for 24 songs, over a million bucks in damages is ass no matter how you slice it. There's no way that many people at a time want "Bathwater" or any of those other songs and that they all happened to take it from Kazaa AND from Thomas-Rasset. The MSN article points out that while the legal minimum is $750 per infringement, Thomas-Rasset has been found liable for well over that amount multiple times.

When a reporter pointed out that three juries of her peers had decided that she should pay well above the minimum, she said there's "no rhyme or reason to the numbers" but she respects jurors for doing their jobs.

Frankly, stuff like this leads me to believe that this woman is an idiot and "three juries of her peers" were in fact three juries of other idiots, which makes perfect sense. A jury is not doing its job if it truly believes this result is just. There are killers that aren't found liable for this much in civil damages for taking a life let alone a tubby octomom-wannabe taking some music. Is it really so horrible that she needs Gwen Stefani to sing about washing herself "in your old bathwater" to forget that she's the overweight mother of four kids who works as a natural resources coordinator? And she's Native-American so, like, didn't America already take this woman's land? Can't this shit just cancel each other out?

Then there's this tidbit from Cara Duckworth of the RIAA:

"People forget about all of the individuals who work really hard to make music for a living," she said. "These people are negatively impacted whenever music is stolen and distributed to millions of people."

I have hard goddamn time believing that Thomas-Russet cost No Doubt $187,500 ($62,500 * 3) in damages, let alone that she caused their songs to fall into the hands of millions of people. This isn't the ending to the last Harry Potter book where no one else had something that was distributed to the detriment of the source. "Bathwater" was out for a good five years before Thomas-Rasset decided to help herself to a free copy with many other songs on the list of 24 out for far longer. One of the millions of people who BOUGHT "Bathwater" was how Thomas-Rasset got the song in the first place.

And if Capitol and the RIAA are so concerned about "the individuals" who make the music making a proper living, why don't they give Gwen, Tom, Tony, the rest of No Doubt, their mixers, whoever else worked on and marketed the song some of that cheddar that was instead spent on this stupid lawsuit. If Thomas-Rasset had paid the initial $5000, how much of that would have even made it to Tony Kanal's wallet? Why doesn't Capitol spend money looking for ways to profit off this digital wave they have no hope of stopping instead of trying to get money from people who can't pay? I mean, Thomas-Rasset couldn't buy the music legally so what makes anyone think she can pay for it thousands of times over? This isn't teaching thieves a lesson, this is just being cruel and unfair to one who got caught.

Book Review: Falco: The Dark Guardian

2010-10-24T03:06:00.009-05:00

Revered businessman Falco Orsini has left life in the special forces behind—though he uses his powerful skills occasionally, when duty calls. But duty is always on Falco's terms! When his estranged father asks him to protect a young model who is being stalked, he begrudgingly agrees…only because of the vulnerability he can see in her eyes. Elle Bissette won't be a victim—she can take care of herself! And surely big, dark, devilish Falco is dangerous. Because one kiss from a man like him will leave her breathless….

First a little background: this book is the third in a mini-series by author Sandra Marton known as The Orsini Brothers, which centers on the romantic lives of each of four slutty Sicilian brothers:

The patriarch of a powerful Sicilian dynasty, Cesare Orsini, has fallen ill, and he wants atonement before he dies. One by one he sends for his sons—he has a mission for each to help him clear his conscience. His sons are proud and determined, but they will do their duty—the tasks they undertake will change their lives forever! They are… THE ORSINI BROTHERS. Darkly handsome—proud and arrogant. The perfect Sicilian husbands!

Done the wrong way, this is the sort of thing that really makes you put your finger in your mouth and gag. That said, I believe The Orsini Brothers is the first mini-series where I'm actually excited for the next book. The brothers have a flourishing business together and are great friends who all find themselves summoned by daddy. This gives them more than enough excuses to interact with one another and they do so naturally enough that you forget for a while that each one is being systematically hooked up for our reading pleasure.

Late last year, we got the stories of Raffaele and Dante in "Raffaele: Taming His Tempestuous Virgin" and "Dante: Claiming His Secret Love-Child" and this year it will conclude with "Falco: The Dark Guardian" and "Nicolo: The Powerful Sicilian". I admit, I was wary of the Falco book probably because he's the ex-Special Forces guy. That's usually one of my kill-switch phrases along with prince, sheikh, cop, cowboy, and Texan. [Full disclosure: I'm Texan and of the race, class, and political-slant rich, white, cowboy ranchers thumb their noses at. So, no, I can't say the Rich Texan particularly turns me on.]

So anyway, Falco is called in by Dad, a.k.a. Cesare Orsini. Cesare was into crime or something like that so Falco and his brothers aren't too "wild about Mary" if you get my drift. Cesare charges Falco with protecting Hollywood actress Elle Bissette from some nutjob sending her frightening mail and such. I really would've preferred if Falco hadn't kissed Elle so early on. Elle's this friendless actress with a horrible past who fears for her life and this dude appears in her trailer out of the blue, gets up in her grill, and plants one on her. It would take quite a while for me to wash out the idea that he's a sicko, attempts at helping me or otherwise. That just should not have happened, I don't care how sexy he's supposed to be. The scene where Elle later fantasizes that she's kissing Falco could've been that much hotter and instead I'm wondering about this poor woman's victim complex.

Then there's the part where they end up sleeping in the same bed. And Falco's all derrrr...

"Well, it never occurred to me to ask the character in the front office what the sleeping arrangements were."

I have problems when a guy portrayed as capable and traveled as Falco forgets something basic like that. It comes out contrived and tension is lost. Picture this: Falco gets a double room or something and spends a rough night thinking about Elle because she's so gosh-darn purty or whatever. Then Elle has a nightmare and Falco decides to hold her. The last part is what basically happened anyway and it could've been done without Falco looking like a creep who planned this. Or even the age old "this was the last room available and it only has one bed" or something. That Elle fell fast asleep earlier on and was thus completely powerless in this entire process did not assuage me.

The book then becomes a giant waiting game for when Falco and Elle were gonna do it. This would have been less noticable were it not for the lack of interaction with other characters. Raffaele and Dante dealt with human obstacles to their love-interests while Falco and Elle just have each other and some unknown weirdo lurking off-page somewhere. Thus Falco and Elle are in the trailer, on the road, in the cabin, in the car, in the hotel, in the car, in the cabin, at the airport to Maui... see a theme? Sadly, neither one is enough to make this work for me.

I wanted the stalker to be confronted or Falco's idea of calling in a bodyguard buddy to materialize earlier on so they could be given somebody else to deal with. I wanted one of Falco's brothers to reappear somehow. There are other characters—Elle's director Farinelli and co-star Chad and Falco's pals Rick and Jack—but they all end up as props to move the whole thing along. While I didn't want anyone to come in and hijack the story, another person was needed to actually make Falco and Elle bond and provide some outsider perspective. (No, not just Falco flirting with the airport counter girl.) Elle should have confronted Farinelli with Falco in tow as to why she had a bodyguard she never asked for. Farinelli's part in the story emphasizes the tell and lack of show because he does quite a lot but we see almost none of it here. Or Elle should've been present when Falco deals with the dude victimizing her so Falco could be inspired by her fear or pain. Which brings me to that.

Ultimately, Elle confesses to Falco that she was molested by her step-father, crazy-ass pedo-preacher Willy Joe who just got outta prison. YUCK. So Falco leaks their location to lure Willy in. This gets Elle so hot she and Falco do it again. YUCK. Then Falco confronts Willy Joe and kills him in combat. Now this is a guy who was able to get mail to Elle and track down her phone number. He broke into her secluded cabin that no one in the world even knows about—not even the paparazzi—and meticulously entered so no one would realize he had broken in. Then he took out light bulbs in order to force Elle to switch on the right light to discover a toy cat hung on her wall. So you'd think he'd have to be a clever guy, right? Instead we get a "six feet six inches of lard laid over prison-honed muscle" [I had to read that twice, too] fat-ass who Hulk-smashes his way into an atrium at three in the morning brandishing a knife. HE COULD BUY A TICKET TO MAUI BUT NOT A GUN. APPARENTLY HE COULD ONLY CHOOSE ONE.

Willy Joe spat on the terrazzo floor. “She lured me to her. Seduced me. She’s a whore, just like her mama.” He curved his body forward, spread his feet apart. It was the stance of a man who knew how to use the silvery blade he held. “Now she’s your whore, Orsini. But not for long. I’m going to kill you and then I’ll kill her.” He smiled, the smile of a maniac. “Get ready to meet your maker.”

Corny dialogue aside and maybe I just missed this but how the hell did he know Falco's name? I know Falco had his and Elle's location leaked, but Falco also assumed Willy Joe had more than a bowl of cornflakes above his eyeballs. WHY would he chance Willy Joe making the connection that Falco had been in the service OR was a rich connected guy OR had possible underworld connections given his last name? Any one of these things is a big problemo for a sick-ass stalker as well as for the man trying to catch him.

Suddenly, the knife was driving down toward Falco’s throat. “Whore-master,” Willy Joe shouted--

Whore-master? Is this a British insult? Did anyone else think of Beastmaster? Maybe it was just me. I guess it's still better than I what I would've written:

Suddenly, the knife was driving down toward Falco’s throat. “Bitch, you be pimping!” Willy Joe shouted--

So Falco tosses his gun aside and shanks WJ with his own knife. Counting uses of "the" and "and", there are about 340 words between Willy Joe's first entrance and when he dies. FTW? It reminds me of when I would stay up late to see "Tales From The Darkside" and it was rerun. I am disappoint. Most importantly, is that supposed to be hot? This is why I don't like Special Forces, cops, or any of the type in romances. They's always gots ta kill someone, Special Forcing and whatnot. Of course, getting a book without one's no guarantee either. I remember reading this one Harlequin where the hero had the heroine's evil father beaten to death. BEATEN. TO. DEATH. I don't care if the guy was evil and had it coming: Violent death != Romantic. Child rape != Romantic. I'm sure it's floating somebody's boat, but mine just sank on top of a family of unsuspecting sea sponges. And what's more, Falco killing Willy Joe's supposed to be comparable to a knight slaying a dragon. You know this because it's hammered in over and over again. I get the knight-fantasy, I really do, EXCEPT THE DRAGON NEVER RAPED CHILDREN. Just putting that out there.

For my final gripe: The brothers did not need to be in Falco's office when Elle arrived for a reunion. Everybody's there for Falco and Elle's wedding in the sappy epilogue and it would have been more appropriate to have them interact with her there or even in the beginning of Nick's book. Here it felt like a big ol' setup for all of them to meet, which was a bit disappointing. At least Falco seemed to think so too and booted them out.

This book gets 3 acorns. I like the series and wanted to enjoy this one more, but Falco has to be the least likable Orsini (although there aren't too many differences among the four of them to begin with). Elle was a difficult character to sell as well and a hero with a bigger heart and a cooler head would have been a better complement to her. Somebody with her past needed a man to help her heal and I couldn't buy that this would be Falco. Furthermore, interactions with other characters probably would've given these two a chance to shine as duo. It was hard watching them bouncing off of each other so much.

BTW, my recommendation, if you haven't done so already, is to start at the beginning with Raffaele's book and decide whether or not you want to continue reading the series from there.

Why aren't you listening to Florrie?

2010-10-23T15:04:00.004-05:00

It's possible you may be all "derrr, who's Florrie?" If you are, it's okay. I forgive you. Florrie is an awesome 21-year old artist from the UK associated with British songwriting and production outfit Xenomania, which has worked with such fly peeps as Kylie Minogue and Annie. I don't remember exactly how I came across Florrie--probably looking for something Annie-related--and bam, there she was. I listened to one of her songs on some other blog and thought, "oh, this is great". Imagine my surprise to find that with all of her talent, Florrie's music is FREE. That's right, people. FREE.

There's six songs there right now along with various remixes. Each song can be listened to on Florrie's site or downloaded in 128kps or 320kps MP3 format or in FLAC format. And maybe it's a small thing to be impressed with but when I was listening to her stuff in Windows Media Player and I realized lyrics are included! Thank you, Florrie! ♥ ♥ ♥ More people need to get with the program and do this. "Come Back to Mine" is probably my favorite and it's there as the Jaxon Remix. You can find two other versions of it in the sidebar on the unofficial Xenomania fansite blog Xenomania News.

Also of interest, Florrie has posted her answer as to why she is still an unsigned artist. I don't blame her considering the things you hear about artists being strangled by their labels. I'd hate to see Florrie's wings clipped. You can read more about Florrie, why she's unsighed, and snag some sweet, sweet music at Florrie.com.

Florrie's also the new face for Nina Ricci's Nina L'Elixir. Here she is in the commercial singing a cover of Blondie's "Sunday Girl". Why the hell don't we ever get cool commercials like this in the US? Because everybody here has ADHD and the rest of the world knows it, that's why.

Here's the full song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bljxxfe8AsY

An Attempt at Lyrics: Zayra's "V.I.P."

2010-10-22T04:31:00.007-05:00

I was looking at my site stats and aside from noticing that a lot of people are trying to find the new Versant EP por gratis, this one touched that piece of coal in my chest I sometimes call a heart:
can anybody find lyrics to zayra alvarez song v.i.p.?
Yes, it was actually in my site stats as a full-on question. Well, friend, I searched for you and I couldn't find them either. Aside from suggesting you just hit up Zayra on her twitter—and she's a busy lady—, I gave it a shot for you. Now, I do NOT know the official lyrics. This is a guess. Anyone feel free to comment or something if I made a mistake and I will make corrections fo sho':

"V.I.P." by Zayra

what's going on
my schedule's open
for a happening
i got my publicist on call

let's document
this upper class
they'll know our names without a fight
my father is mick jagger
when carpets roll we follow

come on
everybody knows who we are
we are v.i.p.

come on
everybody knows
we're v.i.p

drop the beat now, baby
drop the beat

we got no dreams, we got it all
our future's set don't need a break
don't want my picture on a frame
i gotta have the front page

we've got fake friends
only the best
our skin and bones love lazy sex
love to inhale not swallow
we'll never know rock bottom

we don't have to wait
we're v.i.p.

we don't have to wait
we are v.i.p.

come on
everybody knows who we are
we are
better than the Hiltons, the Richards, and the Stewarts
better than the Presleys, than the Joneses, and the Tylers
better than the Shaffers
better than the Whitefields
better than all ---
we've got it
we've just got it

I almost certainly goofed those names. Yeeeeah, I don't know all of my famous-folk and would fail at fame-ho bingo or whatever. And no matter how much I listened to it, I could not venture a guess I felt comfortable enough with on that third to last line. If you can read lips or know someone who does, try watching the vid at 2:35. My lip-reader is out to lunch at the momento:

And because Zayra deserves your attention, go listen to her first podcast over at Podbean.com: http://zayra.podbean.com/

WHAT IS THIS BLOG? - For you n00bs.

2010-10-22T02:19:00.005-05:00

I appear to actually be getting a tiny bit of traffic. If you have arrived here a confused, lost soul—or, well, whatever—let me clue you in. This blog is a mini-project to get me writing. No more, no less. Who am I? Meh, doesn't matter. Now, if you like what you see here, that's fine. If you don't, that's fine.

As you may have read if you've looked around, I curse a lot. I find it colorful. I find it honest. I find it refreshing. Most importantly, I find it hilarious. And I enjoy a good rage. I go to too many "sanitized" places where I hold my tongue and obey other people's rules. And I'm usually pretty good at that. I've been banned once in my twelve-odd years on the internet at a CSI forum and, hilariously enough, I was being perfectly nice, on-topic, and not using any f-bombs because I totally loved CSI. I can only assume I was banned because a snail like the one in my avatar killed their daddy and looted their village.

Additionally, I'm not trying to win prizes in English. Nothing here is for professional or academic purposes, so screw that noise. Yeah, I use "wanna" and "sho'nuff" in sentences. And I'm cool but crude. That's right, I'm motherfucking Raphael. And that's strange since Donatello was my favorite turtle growing up. Because he did machines, yo.

Most of my posts are reviews though sometimes I'll just rant or make fun of advice columns because I fucking love advice columns. I review whatever I feel like, which has resulted in a strange combination of music, Harlequin romances, and cartoons. I rate on a scale of 0-5 and I use acorns instead of stars. For things I deem perfect, they get to be in The Five Acorn Hall of Fame. What does this mean? Nothing. Though if a squirrel comes to your house bearing a package, just don't be too surprised.

Diplomacy and eloquence are out of the window. If I like things, I curse and squee and throw in a zinger. If I dislike things, I curse and angrily squee and throw several zingers. If I love things, I kinda sit there and babble and then curse and angrily squee that I didn't say something better because, goddammit, I missed my chance. Then I throw myself a few zingers. As you can see there's not too much of a difference. It's pretty exactly what pops in my head so think of this as a blog with Tourette's, dammit DAMMIT!

Also, spoilers ahoy. I love spoilers. Back when "The Sixth Sense" first came out, my momma was all "Hey, y'all, I luvved the Sixth Sense!" and I was all "Oh, no! Don't say anymore! I hasn't seen it!" and she was "Guess wut, there was a surprise!" And thus I figured out Bruce Willis was dead when I never would've seen that coming any other way. I get spoiled that easily. My point? If I didn't want to give spoilers at all, I wouldn't even vaguely discuss whatever it was. There's no way I can write about anything while maintaining the element of surprise, at least where I'M concerned, so I have to go all the way.

WHAT DOES THAT BLOG NAME MEAN?

Google it, although I doubt it's grammatically correct. It actually has a hidden meaning for me, but I'll never tell. I didn't know what to call the blog, so I just went with another language and I've been on a Greek-fix lately.

FOR YOU LUSHES OUT THERE:

ψευδής σκίουρος - The Drinking Game.

Uses "ass" as a suffix - Take a sip.
Says something "is balls" - Take two sips.
Uses "FTW" - Take two sips.
Ends a sentence in a flurry of sarcastic caps - Take three sips.
Uses f-word - Uh, have a potato chip.
Gives something 5 acorns - Take a giant gulp.
Gets through entire post cuss-free - Drink the whole goddamn thing.

Let me know how that works out for you. I don't drink. Booze tastes nast.

MY MESSAGE BOARD:

Also, in case anyone reading this actually registers at my board linked at the top, you need to post at least once so I don't delete the account. Otherwise you'll get cleaned out with the spammers. Whoosh.

Job Hunting: Let's hate this shit.

2010-10-21T17:50:00.010-05:00

So the economy's really balls right now and a shitload of us--myself included--are looking for jobs. It really is an employers' market and I'm getting real bitter with some of this bullshit:

♦ Job fairs. Good lord I hate them! Half of the booths there are always for scam schools, fast food, or the military. Yeah, right. Me and thousands of others went and got bachelors and masters degrees so we could go to Career Point or flip a burger. I went to a job fair and they were all "bring multiple copies of your resume", so I ramped up that shit and printed loads. Nobody would take one. WTF. The job publications in the newspaper are just as shitty.

♦ Ugly inefficient websites. Because everybody wants you to apply online but few of them know how to do it correctly. One company split up all of their jobs into five different groups so I'd have to check five different websites for jobs. Oh, hell! Anybody use that Taleo thing? That thing's crap! No, I do not want to fucking choose my country, city, and state over and over again. More than one employer has listed categories i.e. "Finance", "Human Resources", etc. and all it does is fuck up my search results. If you only have fourteen positions open in the whole damn company, then you don't need twenty-plus categories to sort them!

♦ Horrendously long online applications. I swear, some of this shit takes thirty minutes or more. And sometimes they time out while you're filling them in! So I fill these out and then three weeks later, I get an automatically generated rejection notice or some shit. Thank you for wasting my fucking time. One company did this right: I filled out basic info and sent a resume. They replied they were interested in me and THEN sent me a link for a long-ass form. Weed out people first with a short form or resume before you waste someone's fucking time.

♦ Filling out a paper application when you've already done an online one. WTF? Is it Backwards Day? This has happened so many times and I wonder just what the fucking problem with their printer was. Print that shit. Why the fuck are you making me do this crap OVER AGAIN? I went to this one interview and I had already filled out an online application AND had a phone interview. So at this stage, I figure it's a simple face-to-face because they already have my shit. Well, I get there and then they give me all of these fucking forms on a clipboard and an effin' pen: What is my name? Where do I live? My phone numbers, e-mail, job history, am I a U.S. citizen? What the fuck is this shit? Turns out somebody was supposed to send me a PDF of this stuff. So I could refill it out again? Why don't you just print out what I already filled in? If you have new forms for me, fine, but it makes no fucking sense to have a huge application for me to do online and then make me do it over again! You fail the internet.

♦ Fuck you and your experience. How is anyone supposed to get experience when nobody will hire the non-experienced? Twice I was asked if I knew Quickbooks. I said I'd learn it and they got all doubtful. Oooh, because I bet Quickbooks is so fucking hard. Look, just because some of you suits are shit with programs doesn't mean the rest of us are. The university I went to saw no need for Quickbooks or Peachtree, which I admit is a little dumb of them but it doesn't change that software is software! NOBODY should need several years or even months to learn any software when it comes to basic usability.

♦ Promises to call me later go unfilled. You know what? You DON'T have to promise that. Just tell ME to call you back or something. I'm getting sick of "we'll call you" like we're gonna touch base or I actually have a shot at the job. False hope really burns my grits. They never call. It's almost always no phone call and a rejection e-mail instead. Everytime someone says they'll call me, I feel like going "OHHHHHHHH RLY?" and pulling that owl-face. I get it, you're busy. Then DON'T TELL ME YOU'LL CALL ME.

♦ Taking for fucking ever to decide. I was up for this one assistant position and I REALLY wanted it but I was gonna run out of money in like a month and needed work bad. They kept saying they would decide later in the week or next week and literally kept bouncing it around for a whole damn month. I was forced to withdraw myself from contention and take another job. These assholes knew I needed a job. Don't fuck around with people's livelihoods. Just make a damn decision. How do three people take a whole month to hire one entry-level person? HEY, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

DVD Essentials: What Should Be There

2010-10-18T20:05:00.008-05:00

Open wishlist to DVD companies far and wide:

♦ Barebones DVDs are balls. Hey, if it's the only way the show's available, fine. I'll live with it. But hell, at least have some chapter skips and closed captioning for the hearing impaired.

♦ The more language tracks, the better. Here in North America there should be English, Spanish, and French on as many damn DVDs as possible. Other languages are fun, too. Like Greek and Portuguese. And furthermore, the languages should be consistent on television series. Example: I recently Netflixed "Batman: The Animated Series". Some discs had English, Spanish, and French. Some didn't have Spanish. Season One of Justice League Unlimited had a Spanish track but Season Two didn't. Consistency, people! Having one language or languages missing is craptacular.

♦ Subtitles. Preferably in whatever languages are on the disc as well as on the commentary track if one's on there. Big honkin' subtitles that eat up half of the screen are stupid. The people that need those the most are deaf, not blind. Subtitles should be clear, concise, and in a san-serif font. White or yellow outlined with black. Not giant pure-white bs that no one can see when the screen's all light-colored.

♦ Foreign films with hard subtitles are a no-no. For you newbs, hard subtitles are when they're stuck on the bloody screen. Sometimes I like an unobscured screen. Don't worry about whether or not I understand the language, that's my damn business.

♦ Do NOT make me go back into the menu to change this crap. What I mean is, for example, on "The Princess and the Frog" I can't just jump from English to Spanish audio using my remote. I have to actually return to the menu and change the language there. That's stupid. Luckily, most DVDs are pretty good about not doing that. Additionally, if you have audio and subtitles on the same menu screen, don't yank me out of there immediately after I choose a one feature but don't get to choose another. (Like if I choose Spanish language and get pulled out before I can put on Spanish subtitles. That's dumb.)

♦ Commentary tracks are wonderful but if the film makers really have nothing further to say about the subject, you really don't have to bother. Some commentary tracks read like the bored version of those audio tracks for the blind: "Russell Crowe enters the circus tent. He sees a clown. The clown waves. He punches the clown." Speaking of which…

♦ I love those Descriptive Video Service tracks for the blind. It's like I'm five years old and it's story time. "The Princess and the Frog" and "Inside Man" both have this service and it's awesome.

♦ Music-only tracks are also really cool. If there's not enough stuff to fill a commentary, do a music-only track or combine the two. Get creative!

♦ I saw the movie "Karma Sutra" with Indira Varma on a Panasonic widescreen television and for whatever reason that movie had black bars on all four sides of the picture. I don't know what the technical term for this occurring is but I call it balls and I dun like it.

♦ Previews are NOT an extra. However, I want previews anyway. Disney's Fast Play feature is a cool idea. Another good idea is the DC Universe Animated Original Movies and how they combine a teaser and a preview for some of their other material. A bad idea? Forced previews. This especially chafes when you've BOUGHT the damn thing and are being held hostage for something fucking annoying. I mean, I hate one of the previews on "Bride and Prejudice" but at least I can skip that crap.

♦ Real extras are nice. What's nicer is when there's a list of extras and a PLAY ALL option. There are few things that suck more on a DVD rife with goodies than having to play each one by one.

♦ Galleries that you can't zoom and navigate through yourself are useless.

♦ I Netflixed "That Touch of Mink" and it had profiles, such as stuff about Doris Day and Cary Grant. When it got to Gig Young, it was all "Oh hey, this guy killed his wife then shot himself!" That shit's really a downer. Who the fuck thought putting that on there was a great idea? Gig Young had dozens upon dozens of film and television roles and that's what they chose to highlight. Use common sense.

♦ Stop ripping us off for not upgrading to your precious Blu-Ray. Not everyone needs it. Not everyone wants it. So what do companies do when they release stuff on both Blu-Ray and DVD? They pack on the commentaries and features on the Blu-Ray and rip everyone else off. Now, I get there's more room on a Blu-Ray disc. That's fair. What isn't fair is when some of those things fit just fine on a regular DVD but you just want to eff customers over because they don't want to go down on Blu-Ray's Dr. Manhattan dong. I was all excited about the upcoming "Superman/Shazam! The Return of Black Adam" until I heard that there would be no commentary on the DVD. So what DVD customers get is the new twenty-minute short, three additional shorts that have already been released in extended format—whatever few minutes THAT entails—and four bonus episodes handpicked by Bruce Timm. These four episodes are among the stuff that's already been released and will most likely be "Justice League: Unlimited" episodes with Captain Marvel, Green Arrow, and probably either the "Batman:TAS" ep with Jonah Hex or the "Justice League: Unlimited" that has Jonah Hex in one episode. In other words, they expect people to pay fourteen bucks and change for way less than 50% new material. I call this jack-assery or "wait for the bargain-bin". Or even "piracy, ho!" I'd rather have commentary and some featurettes. You have a hard sell on your hands if you're going to try and convince me that stuff won't fit when "Inside Man" had a crapload of stuff on a single disc.

♦ Those DVD close-clip thingies on the side. You know the ones I mean. They have no purpose in life.

♦ There is no excuse for cover art like this these days. -> This one for "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" is horrific. Use the movie's poster. Use a nice screen cap. Those aren't even their bodies.

♦ In multi-DVD sets, if I have to take out one disc to get to another one you're doing it wrong.

♦ FYI, if there's a soundtrack or a novelization available, advertise it somewhere on the DVD. There's stuff I didn't even know had soundtracks until I Googled it one day. You people are losing money.

♦ Why, oh, why would you put something edited on the DVD release when it's not even neccessary? "Turtles Forever" I'm looking at you. Do the rest of us a favor and don't even bother. Go look at the reviews for "Turtles Forever" at Amazon.com. Almost everybody loved it but HATE the way it was released. Do not shoot yourself in the foot.

Book Review: Bride in a Gilded Cage

2010-10-18T02:23:00.012-05:00

Haven't reviewed one of these in a while. Here's the synop:

The tango is an Argentinean dance of possession and passion...and that's exactly how aristocrat Rafael Romero intends his convenient marriage to teacher Isobel will be. First he will take her as his bride. Then he'll lead her to the marriage bed, where he'll make her his. Isobel may have no choice but to give her hand to Rafael in matrimony, yet she intends to stay as free as a bird. But her new husband will keep her caged once he discovers he's wed a virgin....

This isn't the first book I've read by Abby Green. Previous reads include "Ruthless Greek Boss, Secretary Mistress", which I mostly enjoyed; "Ruthlessly Bedded, Forcibly Wedded", which kinda annoyed me; "The Mediterranean Billionaire's Blackmail Bargain", which was cheesy and barely readable; and "The Kouros Marriage Revenge", which I kinda liked. "Bride in a Gilded Cage" gave me some gilded rage. I just did not like this book.

The story opens with the hero, billionaire Argentinian Don Rafael Ortega Romero, confronting the heroine Isobel Miller at her 18th birthday party. With deep olive skin, hair as black as midnight, and two "green and gold" "pools of dark sin" for eyeballs, Raff is a pretty classy guy, eh beds many womens and doesn't afraid of anything. Due to retarded rich-people circumstances, he and Isobel have been betrothed to each other. Upon their marriage, Isobel will get back her family's estancia and net her greedy-ass folks a tidy sum. Rafael will get the business perk of fronting himself as a stable family man because they hates single dudes in Argentina. He'll also get to use Isobel's English-tainted half-Argentinean aristocratic pedigree to breed more Romero-assholes for the debatable enjoyment of future generations. Whatev.

In truth, neither really wants this marriage and I don't either. Isobel feels trapped by both the "medieval" notion of arranged marriages and apparently oppressive Argentinian society, yearning to learn dance-shit in Europe. Rafael had originally wanted to marry another woman and isn't jazzed about being tethered against his will. He is magnanimous enough to deem that since Isobel gives him a woody anyway, she'll do, pig. After a punishing kiss, Rafael announces they'll marry when she's twenty-one and goes off to pork his latest conquest:

"...I can assure you that the woman in my car will be perfectly happy once she’s in my bed and underneath me. She doesn’t care about marriage any more than I do. She’s already been twice divorced.’"

He even made it clear to Isobel that once they marry, he'll "make full use of" her. Ew, what a toad. Meanwhile, Isobel returns to Europea, sticks her head in sand, and literally spends the next three years hoping it'll all go away. Despite her proclaiming that she's a firebrand and won't just meekly agree to marry him, that she hates him and despises him, and even that she'd rather die, Isobel really does nothing with her time but dance, dance, dance and spend each day that goes by thinking about Rafael and getting hot from that kiss. Huh?

Which leads to my problem with "Bride in a Gilded Cage": I don't like either one of these bozos. Both of them spend the first chapter being so over-dramatic (mainly her) or disgusting (mainly him) that nobody's likeable. I consider Rafael a no-brainer but what about Isobel did I instantly loathe first? The way she prickishly infers Argentina as "barbaric" and inferior to Europe? Or that her idea of standing up to him consists of whining in his face and simultaneously being turned on by him? I don't know what about an arrogant slimeball walking in and killing my dreams—on my birthday no less—could possibly make my panties moist. Not mention Isobel's so fidgety she may as well have Parkinson's. Isobel flinches, she quivers, her chest constricts with fear. Panic grips her, her hand shakes, the color drains from her face, her future crumbles in front of her... all in the span of a few pages. And it doesn't stop. I understood she's very young but, damn, it got on my nerves, especially admist Rafael making himself as yucky as possible.

In Chapter Two, we immediately fast-forward three years later and Rafael still can't get over the kiss he "shared" with Isobel—um, no buddy, you took that one for yourself—and how Isobel stood up to him. Whining and sniveling impresses him. Hoo-wee. In fact, he's changed his mind about not wanting the marriage and is so goddamn excited about his future wife that not one woman made it into his bed in the last six months.

Is that really supposed to fucking impress anybody? Now, I'm not picking on Abby Green. She is not the only author to use this, but I have to call it out just the same: that shit's not even romantic. Not even. Within the other two and a half years who the hell knows how much head, anal, and what-have-you this constantly hard jerk-off got with countless numbers of Argentinian society-hos. Yeah, we were supposed to be sold on that line in the first chapter about "two consenting adults coming together to enjoy one another…without lies" but this chap undermines that message when he acts like a louse talking all vulgar to and stealing a sloppy kiss from an unwilling teen ruthlessly bartered by her own family. Seriously, I hate this fucking guy.

So, back in Chapter Two, Rafael's all excited and shit and looks at a picture of Isobel running hand-in-hand with another man in Paris. But it's okay, cause that guy's GAY. You see, if he were straight, it wouldn't be okay because all the straight men are potential sexins for Isobel. ALL OF THEM. But this guy is GAY and likes to dance, so he's perfectly SAFE. That still doesn't stop "the surge of hot anger" in Raff's horny old belly. UGH. Have you torn your hair out yet? If no, wait, there's more.

So he's looking at the picture and all practically "Whoa, she's less fat now. Rock on." It is around this time Abby Green tells us Isobel's hair is now "very short", but that sure as hell has never stopped the cover artist from putting something completely different on the front of the fucking book. Raff's all "Boo hoo, she's so purty now! I am regret. There's no way she's still a virgin." This is because all women are sluts.

More so, Rafael is impressed that Isobel has used her "extensive and expensive British education" to not "carve out a high profile career" but instead barely scrape by living in a hovel and teaching jerks in France to tango in a tiny studio. I mean, I'd call that wasteful and retarded myself but what do I know? So paragraphs after he just knows she's no longer a virgin because why would she be, he admits to himself that three years ago Isobel "blasted apart any misconception he had about her character". In fact, it seems she blasted it so far apart that Rafael's been spending these last three years making new ones. UGH. Have I said that word already? UGH.

At this point I did continue reading on for God knows what reason. The following shit happens: Raff crashed Isobel's tango class. He dances great. Isobel's all turned on. He's all "we gonna get married" and she gets hysterical and shocked despite getting a THREE YEAR WARNING THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. She protests and he bullies and she caves in. "All avenues of escape were cut off." Well, yeah. When you sit on your ass for three years DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT, that shit can happen.

To continue: The couple return to Buenos Aires. They get married and do a tongue kiss in church. Spots dance before her eyes yet again (they keep doing that, those damn spots!) because she didn't really want to tongue kiss, oh, damn this reaction Rafael causes within her! Stupid, sexy Rafael! They argue about Rafael buying her new clothes. Her chest tightens, her belly quivers. We meet Rafael's half-brother: grey-eyed, industrialist, Greek playboy billionaire Rico Christofides. Rico no doubt has a book or will have a book of his own. Way to sloppily work that in, Green.

At one point later in the book, Isobel talks to a man about acquiring a property to use as a studio to teach disabled children and poor folks to dance. Oh, what a sweet girl! Wants to help teh disabled keeds! And people and Rafael think she's a slut because she was photographed or something talking to this man. And she's all "Boo hoo, my cage is so small." There is so much headdesk here I can't go on. Who even cares anymore?

At the end, Isobel has her own dance studio and two kids. Rafael now knows what loves is because Isobel wanted to show him. Or something like that. There, I saved you some monies. Oh, BTW look what I found! It's Rico's book: "In Christofides' Keeping":

Gypsy Butler spent one explosive night with a charismatic stranger, but when she discovered that he was exactly the kind of man she despises most, and that she was pregnant with his child, she prayed she’d never see him again. But fate is not kind, and when Gypsy bumps into Rico Christofides the explosive passion between them is as strong as ever. He wants her. What will he do though when he discovers the secret daughter she’s been keeping from him?

What an odd title! Where's he keeping her, chained in his basement? Also, that dude on the cover looks d-bag-ish. Abby Green has an excerpt at her website and Gypsy is Rico's waitress during his date with someone else. The excerpt more or less reads decently. ♫ Oh ho, I know what book I'm torturing myself with next year. ♫

No acorns for "Bride in a Gilded Cage" because the protags are balls. Go read any of the other books I've mentioned here. ANY of them. All of them are better than this one.

Thirio ft. Kostas Martakis | Auto Pou Zitas

2010-10-16T00:04:00.000-05:00

As I've just posted that "Pio Konta" from Kostas Martakis was my favoritist, most favorite album of 2009 (see below), I wanted to post this as well. It's the official vid for the single "Αυτό Που Ζητάς" by Thirio featuring Martakis. The title translates to something like "What You Are Looking For", but I dunno cause I dun speak Greek. :) Anyway, I love the song. It's off of Thirio's album "Parta Ola".

Music Review: Favorite Albums of 2009 - Part 3

2010-10-15T23:03:00.003-05:00

My three-part Favorite Albums of 2009 concludes with this post.

Cœur du Pirate - "Cœur du Pirate"
"Pirate Heart" in English. AAAAAAARR! (Okay, it's out of my system now.)

Possibly the one remix that beat out Designer Drugs's remix of Annie's "Ánthonio" was the Le Matos Andy Carmichael remix of "Comme Des Enfants". It's cool and mellow. I can sleep to it because it's just so damn relaxing and clean:

DUM-DUM! Or should that be DAM-DAM? Now ring up my favorite!

Κώστας Μαρτάκης - Πιο Κοντά
Kostas Martakis - "Pio Konta"
"Come Closer" is the English translation of the title of the sophomore album by Greek singer Kostas Martakis. Or "Even Closer"? "Closer"? I've seen it all ways. Anyway, I love this effin' album. Approximately 1½ songs here are in English but who cares. I'm hoping the English version of "Pio Konta"--a.k.a. "Dance On Me"--is a sign that Martakis may aspire to do an English album. With music like this, he deserves to be a success here in the US of A!

Honorable Mention!
Video Villain - "Video Villain EP"
[BTW, ^ is not EP artwork, I just threw that together. Will scan and post copy of EP artwork later.] They are only a "honorable mention" for the sheer reason that they have yet to put out an actual album and have a self-released 4-track EP to their names. But I dig their music and they're hinting at something to come over at their website. A new single or even an album wish-hope-pray? Rehearsal footage for "Low" from the Video Villain EP:

Music Review: Favorite Albums of 2009 - Part 2

2010-10-10T09:46:00.001-05:00

Favorite albums of 2009 continues...

TIGARAH – "The Funkeira Goes BANG!"
I've never heard of Tigarah until this year but since it's a 2009 album, it gets to be on this list. Sadly, us Yanks can not yet purchase this on Amazon or iTunes. Somebody shake a tail feather and get this girl a domestic release already. She reminds of a groovier Japanese version of Katya Shalayeva from Stereoliza--almost like a hyped-up, aggressive cheerleader forcefully compelling us to follow suit--although her type of music is more derivative of the Brasilian favela funk she loves.

My only gripe with her album: two talking skits. I didn't like those things in 1987 (Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam's "Spanish Fly", I'm looking at you) and I still don't. Anyway, here's the Web promotion for a real bitchin' track: "Space Travel". I originally wanted to put the music vid for "Space Travel" here but embedding was not allowed for whatever dumb-dumb reason.

Also, her website is very pretty. I love fruit, I love colors. I love when their powers combined to form Captain Planet. It's awesome. You can also see the vid for "Space Travel" here. http://tigarah.co.uk/

Peaches – "I Feel Cream"
I'll admit it: sometimes I don't know whether I like Peaches or not. While I can respect the originality and daring of her music, it can be really hit and miss with me. Then came along "I Feel Cream". The titular track in particular is the most magical thing that ever magicked magic. Or whatever. "Lose You" is dreamy, "Talk To Me" is sassy, "More" is practically shooting lasers in your eye. There's, like, Peaches fun for the whole family on this thing.

Warning: Do not go to her official site unless you want a seizure. Holy crap, I got a headache. I'll be seeing flashing pictures of Peaches well into my sleep. (I guess that was the point.) Anyway, here's "I Feel Cream":

Adam Lambert – "For Your Entertainment"
Someone reading this right now just had their head explode upon reading this. Tigarah, Peaches, then Adam Lambert? But there you have it. The guy's a talent and I have to keep reminding myself that he didn't actually win "American Idol" because it sure as hell looks like he did to me. He toured this past summer with both Allison Iraheta AND Orianthi, which is like some holy trinity of some sort (though I haven't named it quite yet). "A Loaded Smile", "Music Again", "Strut", and "If I Had You" are knock-out songs. Here's the vid for another fine song, his second single "Whataya Want From Me":

I Answer Other People's Letters #1100810

2010-10-08T15:39:00.009-05:00

Today's Victim: Carolyn Hax [10/6/10 – 10/8/10]

First off, Care Bear hugs and kisses to the Detroit Free Press. The Washington Post and some Dallas rag both wanted me to register to read Carolyn Hax. REGISTER? To read people crying about their lives? I think not.

Following letter and final letter both edited for superfluous bullshit:

Balance your attitude about check

Dear Carolyn: A friend agreed to keep my pet while I was away. I gave her a check when I returned simply because I appreciated her help. I told her I had postdated it. She cashed the check ahead of the date and the bank charged me $175. Her response: She hadn't heard me ask her to hold the check and she was really sorry. I believe she was not truthful and, even if she was, she feels no responsibility for sharing the expense. This woman is in a group that meets in my home. Because of this incident and another which has caused dissension in the group, I do not want to continue to invite her. What do you think?
--Anonymous

Dear Anon,
I think you have other motives for not wanting her in your home and just want to make a tally on this woman. If this had been someone you wanted to keep as a friend, you'd see the thing with the check was your own damn fault and eat the cost. There's a reason you're not supposed to write post-dated checks, you ninny. If you don't like the woman then don't invite her into your home. However, be prepared for the rest of the group to turn on you if they disagree. Especially if your other reason is as equally flimsy as this one.

Mr. Nice Guy complains about women

Dear Carolyn: If a woman has dated both nice guys and abusive guys, how come you'll find out that in just about every case, her longest relationships have been with the abusive guys? Why do so many women require some form of drama to remain entertained in a relationship, and do you find this to be childish behavior?
--D.C.

Dear Distict of Columbia,

Her longest relationship is with the abuser because if she leaves he'll fucking kill her. I don't know why you seem to surround yourself with women who LOOOVE drama and it's not childish, it's just sad. The End.

Of course Carolyn didn't answer this way and provoked the following response:

Carolyn: So you're saying there's no segment of women who require drama to be entertained, and I have an attitude problem for disliking drama? Again, when you confront a woman who has been in abusive relationships, which is relatively common, why are their abusive relationships the longest relationships they have? You'd think the relationship with non-abusive men would be the longer relationships, right?
--D.C. again

BECAUSE SHE'S AFRAID THAT IF SHE LEAVES HIM SHE'LL DIE. No, dumbass, I don't think non-abusive men would be in the longer relationship because the non-abusive man would be all "Oh, so this isn't working for you? All right, I can respect that," and then he'd go on his merry ol' way because he has a shred of self-esteem and isn't an effin' sicko. The abuser is a sad shell of a guy with serious issues who will guilt her and then give her a shiner. NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T REMAIN IN RETARDED SITUATIONS. SICK PEOPLE DO. See the fucking difference, sportsfan?

Instead Carolyn and her readership BAAAWW about sterotypes. Since this guy is too stupid to understand how abusive relationships work, they may as be trying to teach a donkey calculus. They dub him as having "Nice Guy Syndrome". Why is everything a disease these days? Why can't a stupid person just be stupid?

He's having an affair, she can't be bothered to care

Dear Carolyn: My husband is having an affair. I have proof. I'm not surprised; he was texting her while we were on vacation with my family. I have not confronted him. I'm expecting him to say, "Well, can you blame me?" He has asked to go to counseling. I have agreed and told him to set up the appointment, but he has not. Sadly, I'm not really bothered, but if it begins to affect our children, there will be hell to pay. I have several e-mails over the past six months, including one where he calls my family pathetic. That bothers me more than the affair. I'm sure he thinks I am unaware. The immature part of me just wants to say "gotcha." Should I wait for counseling to bring this up so there is a witness there?
--Aware But Don't Care

Dear Messed-Up Lady,

1. People who don't care wouldn't have bothered writing an advice columnist, liar.

2. Why haven't you confronted your husband? Even if he does act as predicted, WHO FUCKING CARES. PAST SIX MONTHS? WTF! Get up off your ass.

3. Why didn't you make the appointment with the counselor? Why is the marriage counseling just HIS deal? Do you want a prize for just agreeing or some shit? Well, you don't get one.

4. Your children have noticed something. Don't front with this mamma bear bullshit: "If he hurt mah keedz, thar be hell ta pay!" If you don't think your own behavior in this doesn't hurt your kids, think again. I grew in similar circumstances and IT HURT ME BADLY. I'll bet your kids are feeling it, too.

5. "Boo hoo, he called my family pathetic." The fact that this bothers you more than the affair itself is icing on the cake. And then you want to gloat "gotcha" and want a witness? Name calling and bragging rights? You have all the priorities of a five-year-old in front of the claw machine at Chuck E. Cheese.

WOW, and he cheated on you. I can't imagine why.

Look here, missy, you can't control him but of the things you could control—confronting him, making the appointment, etc.—why haven't you done them already instead of spending your time being a petty, over-prideful little plotter? A mother concerned with protecting her children from this crap doesn't just twiddle her thumb up her ass and proclaim herself "aware but don't care." Whether the lout thinks you're aware or not is utterly meaningless. "Should I wait for counseling to bring this up so there is a witness there?" You mean the counseling that will never happen since neither of you can pick up the goddamn phone? A "witness" for what exactly? "Oooh, you got him good, gurl!" Will that fix your marriage? Um, NO! Confront him already. It's the first step.

Music Review: Infernal - "Fall From Grace"

2010-10-07T16:40:00.003-05:00

First off, AAAAAAAARGH!! AAAAAAAAAARRGH!!! OMG!! OH, GOD! WAAAAAAAAAAAH, THAT COVER, FTW! Congratulations, Infernal. If you were trying to give me nightmares, you succeeded.

This is the fifth album from the Danish dance duo, best known for their cover of "Self Control" and "From Paris to Berlin" from their third album of that name. The release in between, "Electric Caberet", didn't have any tracks that really caught my attention and left me a bit cold. "Fall From Grace" seems to be a return to form. I just plain like these songs better than on "Electric Caberet".

1. "Fall From Grace" - A lovely, slow start makes me want them to do more ballads. Works itself into a kicking track.

2. "Biting The Bullet" - Not one of my faves but a good track.

3. "Love Is All..." - The type of song where everyone in the club gets in a circle and holds hands. lol. Yeah. But it makes you want to do it. Trust me. Very nice.

4. "Weird How You..." - I like this one although I feel I've heard the hook for it somewhere before. Feel free to enlighten me. A fave of mine.

5. "Alone Together" - Similar to the last track in that I like it but I feel like I've heard it somewhere before. I wish I knew if/what they were sampling. Has a nice steady beat to it.

6. "Gunshot" - What, someone's shooting at them again? This one's all right.

7. "The Weekend And I" - I wish the backing music to this was on a better song. I'd love an instrumental version.

8. "Materialize!" - The robot from the last song stuck around for this one. More words would have actually helped here. A lot of repetition here and it doesn't really work for me. 's okay.

9. "Circussed" - I don't know if this is supposed to be a take off of "Circus" by Britney Spears but it almost sounds like it. Anything's a noun these days.

10. "Plastic Fantastic" - Decent but frays at bit near the end.

11. "Club Erotic" - Feels kinda ordinary. I imagine it's probably better live or something. The drums or whatever in the chorus interfere with the flow of the song for me.

12. "Think Cavalli, Baby" - How avant-garde! I have no idea what the eff this is! There's speaking, a harder sound, and a notable absence of Lina Rafn's singing. This is absolutely wonderful. Too bad more the album didn't go in this direction and mate it with Lina's awesome voice.

"Fall From Grace" is better than their previous album and, although I loved the backing music on every track, there were still some weak tracks here.

4 acorns.

And if that album cover and that last track don't produce sufficient WTF, here's the music vid for "Love Is All..."

Music Review: Favorite Albums of 2009 - Part 1

2010-10-04T17:50:00.005-05:00

This is just a general list w/ quickie reviews of my favorite albums for 2009. These are not neccessarily five acorn albums but a little imperfection is okay. They're in no particular order although I will state now and then if I liked one better than another.

BoA – "BoA" (Deluxe)

The English state-side debut of mucho-successful Korean pop artist Boa Kwon. She has been quoted as saying of this album, "I just wanted to make fresh, hot dance music." Frankly, she succeeds beautifully. What this album lacks in diversity, it makes up for in stellar consistency: each track is jammin'.

Interestingly enough for me, the songs that were released as singles besides "Energetic" were among my lesser favorites on the album. A single of "Control", "Obsessed", or especially "Dress Up" would have been explosive. If Britney or Madonna had released one of those, they would have had a monster hit on their hands. These songs are that tight. "Eat You Up", the first single, is still a cool song though and made #8 for Billboard Hot Dance Club Play. This album's among my top 3 favorites for last year and I give it a solid 5 out of 5. BoA, make more plox.

Annie – "Don't Stop"

My God, this one took forever. Norwegian Annie's electro-pop-flavored "Don't Stop" was given a release date as early as April 2008 back in January of that very year. Although we got the single "I Know Your Girlfriend Hates Me" promptly enough, there wasn't an official release for the album until October of 2009.

Buyer's tip: go for the Special Edition with the "All Night EP" featuring five extra tracks which include "I Know Your Girlfriend Hates Me". (That's right, the lead single didn't even make the album.) Also, do yourself a favor and snap up the Designer Drugs remix of "Ánthonio", one of best remixes of 2009. *cough*It's easy enough to find.*cough* In the meantime, the very 80's reminscent video for "Songs Remind Me Of You". Try to forget it was in that dud "Sex & the City 2":

Amanda Blank – "I Love You"

Wikipedia, the editable source for everything, has Amanda Blank's music firmly in the genre of "dirty rap, electro-hop" which--while probably a bit overspecific--is pretty much exactly what it is. What hooked me into the album were the less "rap-ier", less over-processed tracks like "Shame On Me", "DJ", "Big Heavy", and "Leaving You Behind". An album full of those would've been a five. Here's the vid for "Might Like You Better":

Music Review: Selena Gomez – "A Year Without Rain" (Deluxe Edition)

2010-10-02T18:30:00.002-05:00

Before I commence with teh reviewin', anyone else want to see Selena's second album as "A Year Without Brains"? Selena up there could be decked out in zombie make-up and the album could feature groovy ghoul-theme dance tracks. We don't have enough mainstream Halloween music. It would've been released in time for October and it would've been rad. But what we got instead is good, too.

1. "Round and Round" – The song comes out a little formulatic but as I made myself listen to it again for review, I found myself kinda humming it. Not a favorite by any means, but very radio-friendly.

2. "A Year Without Rain" – The eponymous track. I think I'll prefer this one remixed. It's a sweet song but I think it could use some punch. I'm listening to it again and it does kinda grow on you.

3. "Rock God" – A song about a rock god should rooooccck. Period. This struts along and is very much in the pop, wanna-be-bad-tee-hee-imma-girl vein of Miley and young Avril. And that's kinda ew. This would've been cool as a duet with Orianthi singing and crunching guitar. Yes, I do keep bringing up Orianthi whenever possible. I want more Orianthi.

4. "Off the Chain" – Much like "Rock God", it's too mellow and soft. A sassier voice like Katy Perry (one of the co-writers of the song actually) or Kelly Clarkson would've suited this better. Oh damn, now I really want Kelly Clarkson to cover this. Additionally, the background music needs to be bit more uptempo.

5. "Summer's Not Hot" – This sounds great and you can jump up and dance to it, but it doesn't sound good for anything besides a tween's pool party. One of the writers on this was RedOne. Perhaps someone should've gotten her to perform like GaGa. That would have been more interesting.

6. "Intuition" – Featuring Eric Bellinger? Who is that? He's attempting to rap and sounds kinda Bieberish, like his ballsack hasn't dropped yet. Autotune is also really showing its stuff on Selena's voice… More on that next.

7. "Spotlight" – Yeeeeah. It has a good beat but I don't like her autotuned this freakin' much, especially when nothing special was really accomplished by doing so. Then Selena's voice actually Ke$has out. No no no. Also, she name-dropped Angelina Jolie. *KRUSTY GROAN*

8. "Ghost of You" – Boring. I didn't hate this. It seems like one of those that needs to grow on me.

9. "Sick of You" – I actually like this lyrically but it's nothing special. And Selena's hissing. "Ssssss, so sick of you!" HUH? Why you hissing, girl? I really want to love this song more than I want to care for it.

10. "Live Like There's No Tomorrow" – See #8. I have the suspicion this is better live somehow. The Scene part of the group should've shone in this track—and the previous three for that matter—since the electro-pop nature of this album eclipses them. The last few tracks here were putting me to sleep.

11. "Round & Round (Davé Aude Mix) – In making this more club-friendly, the appeal of the original is sorta gone. I like this a little less than I did the original.

12. "A Year Without Rain (EK's Future Classic Remix – Radio Edit)" – Ohhhh, I do love this. Yes, this song is definitely something ppl need to remix the heck out of. Lovely.

13. "Un Año Sin Ver Llover" – For those of you who don't understand, that's "A Year Without Rain" in Spanish. I actually don't speak Spanish but, hell, I know what año (year) and sin (without) mean so it was a matter of context logic for me. I gotta say I prefer it in Spanish. Makes it more romantic I guess. I don't remember where I read it, but I'm fairly certain Selena doesn't actually speak Spanish and is in the process of learning it. Good on her. I hope she does more Spanish-language songs in the future.

Overall, I like this much more than Selena Gomez and the Scene's first album, "Kiss & Tell". I really only cared for "Naturally" on there. While I definitely like more than one track on the sophomore album and dig the electro-pop vibe, a bunch of them could've been better executed. And getting the Deluxe Edition is the only way to go here.

4 acorns.

I Answer Other People's Letters #30093010

2010-09-30T02:02:00.005-05:00

Today’s Victim: Dear Abby [9/26/10]

DOG LEFT HOME ALONE CAUSES CONCERN FOR WORRIED OWNERS

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a precious 2-year-old Boston terrier, "Bailey," who is our life. We consider him our child and are heartbroken any time we must leave him alone. I am wondering if there is any way I could train Bailey to use a fire blanket in case of a fire if we're not there. Bailey loves to burrow into blankets, so it's not too much of a stretch. I couldn't bear the thought of our little one not being able to help himself if he was locked in during a fire. Any suggestions? -- BAILEY'S MOMMY IN TOM'S RIVER, N.J.

Dear Scary Lady,
WTF? Seriously. WTF? Okay, okay, in the interest of full disclosure: I have two cats and call myself their mommy. Meh, a lot of animal folks do. Whatev. I used to have a cat that would comb my hair with her claws but I wasn't gonna train her to cut and style. Be realistic. Teaching the dog to use a fire blanket? Humans are still trying to master fire blankets. ADULT HUMANS. And you want to teach a two year old dog? I guess this is a toy breed and the fire extinguisher's too heavy. Does a box of baking soda fit in his mouth? Just wondering.

Real Abby's advice was to get a dog sitter. I mean, if this woman really considers the dog her child and leaves him home alone, we could theorectically call Dog-Child Protective Services, amirite?

Following letter edited for redundant bullshit:
DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman with one child. I looked into international adoptions and foster care adoptions. I have always wanted to expand my family, but adoption is expensive and foster care wasn't the right fit. My younger sister, "Caitlin," married her abusive high school boyfriend and immediately became pregnant. She's now pregnant with a second child and this time she has no intention of reconciling.

I would desperately love to adopt this baby. When I approached Caitlin about it she said allowing me to adopt her child would make her feel "too guilty." How do I convey to her my great desire to adopt her child without making her feel like less than a parent? I wouldn't feel so strongly if I thought she actually wanted this baby, but she acts like this pregnancy is a burden. -- MATERNAL IN TULSA
Dear Creepy Baby Thief,
Stop being creepy. Stop it now. It's very "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle". Eww.
First off, you have one child and never state whether or not you can still conceive. You know what, never mind. I don't want you to multiply anymore. Next, I question that you've looked into international adoptions. Enough with the Angelina Jolie guano, people, kids in this country need loving parents, too. Third, the notion that adoption is expensive is even more apalling: like your new young relative is the K-Mart option or some shit. Obvious implications are obvious. Finally, I don't see how not reconciling with the baby-papa has anything to do with your sister keeping or not keeping her own child. Your idiot sister obviously feels some obligation--like a motherly duty, almost... maternal if you would--to this child. There is really no nice way to say "Gimma your babee!" You've put your cards on the table, now back off nice and slow.

As for not wanting the baby or being burdened by the pregnancy, honey, that's nearly every mother I know. It doesn't mean a damn thing in the long run. Be honest: you're not being altruistic to your niece or nephew. You "feel strongly" because you want to steal her baby to feed your own raging mommy cravings and for no other reason. Get some therapy.

DEAR ABBY: My supervisor "Valerie" is smart and beautiful. However she is a few pounds overweight. The problem is she thinks she can still squeeze into a size 8. You can tell she's interested in looking professional and stylish by the clothes she picks out, but she still looks terrible. She is obviously in denial about her appearance, and her co-workers and underlings talk about her behind her back. Because Valerie is my supervisor, I do not feel comfortable telling her how unprofessional she really looks. I am surprised that none of her friends has told her (tactfully), or that her supervisor hasn't told her how unprofessional it is that we all can see the outline of her underwear. The shame of it is that it's hard to take Valerie seriously in her professional capacity when all one can think about is her clothes don't fit. How does one approach such a subject with someone who isn't really a friend? -- GROSSED OUT AT WORK

Dear Fashion Popo,
This grosses you out? Rly? Here's an idea: knock off the Gossipy Gloria shit and concentrate on doing your goddamn job.

Music Review: Versant – “heartbeats ep”

2010-09-23T01:59:00.003-05:00

So I wasn’t the only one who cried when Carah Faye Charnow and the Shiny Toy Guns parted ways, right? Okay, so maybe cry is a bit strong. “We Are Pilots” was brilliant and I don’t think it was until she was gone that I had that much more appreciation for her voice. While I like the new STG covers of “Major Tom” and “Burning For You”—“Season of Poison” quite less than that—I can’t help think of what could’ve been with her magic voice. But now to what is...

Post-Guns, she is now part of Versant with guitarist/keyboardist Daniel Johansson, drummer Richard Ankers, and bassist Nicholas Oja. From I understand, they are based in Sweden and we know really cool shit comes from Sweden. Versant's first release is this four track EP, "heartbeats ep". Prior to the release, a couple of the tracks--"Push Away" and "Out Of Touch"--had been floating around as demo versions for quite some time. Both tracks were just what myself and others expected to find with the next STG album. Of course, I loved them and had to have them in higher quality. Yes, yes, I'm aware I keep bringing up STG in this post but if you loved the crap out of "We Are Pilots" like I did, you are gonna freakin' flip for this EP. All four tracks are great and it's less than $4 at Amazon. So move yer ass.

Five perfect acorns.

And just for the hell of it, here’s some ABBA goodness they did. Fast-forward to 0:55 to get to teh music.

Music Review: Zayra – “Baby Likes To Bang”

2010-09-22T23:19:00.016-05:00

Zayra, a.k.a. Zayra Alvarez, you may or may not know as a contestant on “Rock Star: Supernova”. It was a 2006 reality music competition in which a bunch of dinosaurs of varying talent and fringe association with your father’s favorite rock bands decided to form a supergroup douchetastically using a pre-existing band’s name. Singers compete for this unique opportunity to front the band, release a flopped album, and never be heard from again.

Zayra was best known on the show for being the fricken hot Puertoriqueña who weirdly spun around on stage in electric blue catsuits and the like while she mercilessly butchered beloved 80’s classics like “Call Me” and “867-5309/Jenny”. Because I take shit too seriously, I absolutely hated her on the show and crossed my fingers that she would just go home. For anybody who watched the show, you knew she didn’t have a chance in hell. Yet, that is the brilliance of Zayra: she got on a show she clearly did not belong on and got shitloads of publicity. Hell, I knew people who merely watched to look at the woman’s outfits!

After the show ended, I’d kinda “check in” with past contestants and see what they were up to and whether or not they released any new music because I’m a curious slob like that. I looked up Zayra, too, and--besides the re-release of her Spanish album, Ruleta--she was in a new band called Pretty Baby, later renamed Cobralush. I heard some samples from them and lemmee tell you, that was good stuff. Cobralush’s music was in the vein of the electronic dance sounds of “Le Disco” by the Shiny Toy Guns, who Cobralush even performed with.

I don’t know what happened with Cobralush but Zayra then appeared as a solo artist. When I checked out her website, I was hella excited for her new music. (Nothing against Ruleta, but it’s not my thing.) “Baby Likes To Bang” was preceded by her single “V.I.P.” that was packaged with three remixes. The remixes are decent but I found they wore out their welcome pretty fast. My preference is actually for the Dave Audé Radio Mix that clocks in under four minutes and, you guessed it, it ain’t on there or here.

On to what is there trackwise on "Baby Likes To Bang":

#1 “Baby Likes To Bang” – The eponymous track set up to be the next single complete with video and remixes. Can’t wait. I managed to hear this one and “Super Sexy Miniskirt” in full length last month--search "Zayra" and "Rainmaker" and go to "Press Assets"--I immediately fell in love with them. This one has a really cool beat to it.

#2 “V.I.P.” – In the interest of full disclosure, I did not buy this song or the remixes that came on “Baby Likes To Bang”. I already bought “V.I.P.” as a single and couldn’t bring myself to double dip. Sorry, Z. Still completes the album if you didn’t manage to snap it up the first time around. It peaked on Billboard’s Dance/Club Play Songs at #5. Makes fun of celebrity club kids with a dance beat and some very clever lyrics, too: “We got no dreams, we got it all. Our future’s set, don’t need a break. Don’t want my picture in a frame, I gotta have the front page… Love to inhale, not swallow. We’ll never know rock bottom.”

#3 “Super Sexy Miniskirt” – When I first heard this I thought “oh no, a slow one” but it works, it really freakin’ works. Kinda one of those tracks you’d chill to. I hope this becomes a single but it might not be fast-paced enough. Great song.

#4 “Feel Good” – This is really the only song I consider a 100% new since I heard just about everything else already. Not a stand-out track, but not a throw-away one either. Something about the background music reminds me of a really hip, lost Super Mario Brothers level. You could totally mix in mushroom and star sound effects and it wouldn’t be out of place at all. That’s not a bad thing.

#5 “Liquid D” and #6 “Violent Man” – I originally heard these as Cobralush songs and immediately liked them. I love that they’ve been given new life on “Baby Likes To Bang”. They’re both slightly different from the Cobralush versions but neither is better or worse. Frankly, I’m just happy the two best Cobralush songs got released.

Here’s the point where I’m supposed to move on to the remixes which make up the other half of the album. There are five “V.I.P.” remixes, with two—possibly three—of them being ones previously released on the single. The Dave Audé Club Mix and Mike Rizzo Funk Generation Club Mix for sure, still not sure about the DJ Paulo & Alain Jackinsky one. None of the remixes are neat little radio-sized ones either. Several remixes clock in past seven and with one almost at ten minutes. That's just a bit too much for me and the samples did nothing to encourage me. There’s also a “Super Sexy Miniskirt” remix but I really needed to hear the full-length track on that one as the samply bits on iTunes and Amazon didn’t sell it. I can always change my mind and go buy it later I suppose.

I think this release would have been better served using radio sized remixes of the three remixer tracks that already appeared (someway or another) on "V.I.P." and giving the other remixes room to shine. Or better yet, giving us a couple more tracks to chew on. (But then I'm just being greedy.) Otherwise, this is a solid release. For anyone who doesn't already own "V.I.P" and the remixes, this is a steal at--as of this blogging--$8 over at Amazon.com.

Five acorns.

I Answer Other People's Letters #2091510

2010-09-15T23:48:00.007-05:00

Today’s Victim: Miss Manners [9/12/10]

Rules for a proper tea party
Dear Miss Manners: Tea gatherings are becoming more popular, and I would like to plan a tea party. I have only attended one and would like to learn how to host a very nice experience.

Ha. HA HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

No, really. Tea party? Didn’t we fight the British to get away from this shit? Fuck you, snob. Why don’t you just have Jeeves and Consuela organize it for you since they already clean your house and watch your kids? Or you could always buy a few jugs of Arizona and put on some Ke$ha. HA HA. Tea party. My effin’ word.

Don’t be the bitter one
Dear Miss Manners: A young man I occasionally dated e-mailed me for my home address to send me his wedding announcement for his upcoming marriage. How do I graciously respond that I am not interested in receiving one, given the fact that I am still a little put out by the fact that he is marrying someone else?

Gentle-Ass Reader:
Did you really just "occassionally" date him or is you lying? I mean, why else would you be "put out" that he's marrying someone else. Who gives a shit, right? If it never moved past "occassionally" then neither of you was interested enough to pursue it. Is this just sour grapes? Wanted to get married before he did mayhaps? OOPS. Well, what can you do?

Anyway, he thought enough of you to want to invite you the big day. Why do you need to "graciously" decline? This is the information age, you could always claim you never got the e-mail. Or you could conveniently forget to reply. Tee hee. Or if you're fine giving him the address--shows how often you dated if he didn't know it already--you can always manage to not make it. Don't be a bitch trying to be politely bitchy. I hate it when chicks do that shit.

Marina & the Diamonds | Shampain

2010-09-14T02:43:00.004-05:00

I ♥ MARINA. Really. You already know I do. Her music's awesome enough. Her general outlook on life seems to be ALLLLRIGHT. I mean, that girl's got her head on straight. And her vids just get more and more brilliant.

Finally we have the vid for her fourth single, the wonderful Shampain. I feel like I've gone back to the 80's, where I felt safe and warm and "divorced" was something other people's parents did. Is it the font at the beginning? The simple, subversive message of it all? The trash-girl ode to Thriller? Pity there's no leg warmers or windbreakers in sight. A++, thumbs up, and pots of acorns abound for Marina.

I notice on YouTube for Marina's vids that Lady Gaga always comes up in the comments. WHY? Hey, I enjoys me some Gaga, don't get me wrong, but I don't see how one relates to the other. Gaga's outlandish in a flashy, trashy celeb way and Marina's outlandish in a quirky, real-person way. So they're both kinda odd in their unique ways but that's about it.

Gaga's kinda like a fun, slutty space alien. Everytime I see her in interviews, she always seems like she's high. Not that it has to be drugs, hell, she could be high on life or whatever, but she never looks all there. Plus, she's over-publicized like hell. Marina actually seems like an accessible and relevant human being. And Marina's cute. There's nothing "cute" about Gaga. Except when she was in that Kermit outfit, okay. But the Kermits were also, like, dead so that's kinda less cute. Also, I'd like to think Marina would respect Seinfeld's box and would save that finger for special occassions. Just... sayin'.

Music Review: Robyn – “Body Talk Pt. 2”

2010-09-13T23:27:00.008-05:00

Okay, I’m not a huge follower of Robyn or anything. I just discovered her for myself last year and I likes me some Cobrastyle. However, I honestly didn’t care for “Body Talk Pt. 1” in the least other than for Fembot. The entire thing just bored me. The second in the Body Talk series is a different story and shows my bias for club-friendly Robyn beats.

1. In My Eyes – This kinda has this 80’s synth sound like I’m out driving with Don Johnson and we’re inside a neon tunnel. I dig it.

2. Include Me Out – “Just don’t include me out.” Meh, I don’t get it either. The song’s nice tho. It’s gotta a cool, steady beat. Kinda more something I’d expect Selena Gomez to sing for a made-for-television Disney movie, but Robyn still pulls it off.

3. Hang With Me – This song’s only crime is sounding too much like Handle Me. Namely where she all “haaaang with me.” I was all “Wut, she redid one of her old songs?” I like it but I wish the “haaaaang with me” part was different. This one is the first and apparently only single off of Body Talk Pt. 2. Not the right choice in my opinion. Might check out the remixes sometime. Maybe I’ll like those better.

4. Love Kills – I think this one’s one of my favorites. Think it probably would’ve worked better at a bit shorter. Hey, remixers, how ‘bout mashing this one with the Queen cover of the same name by Little Boots? Huh, huh?

5. We Dance To The Beat – Steady, electro-background fodder. Reminds me of a mellower Crystal Method. Not bad.

6. Criminal Intent – This is the bomb. Robyn sounds so cuuuute. Somebody alert the authorities, she’s got criminal intent. Adorable criminal intent.

7. You Should Know Better (featuring Snoop Dogg) – Oh, Snoop. First Katy Perry’s album and now you’re invading Sweden, too. Why must you plague me so? For what it’s worth, Snoop meshes much better with Robyn's track than he does on Perry’s.

8. Indestructible (Acoustic Version) – Absolutely lovely! Completely different from the entire album, just sounds sweet and beautiful. I guess the non-acoustic, regulareese one will be on "Body Talk Pt. 3"?

9. Bad Gal (with Savage Skulls & Douster) – This is actually available as an iTunes bonus track. Fuck that. iTunes. Bleh. Go get it here while you can. Or here along with the Crookers remix. It’s also available on Savage Skulls & Douster’s EP Get Rich or High Tryin. Nothing special, really. No loss if you don’t have it. It’s about one minute of Robyn versing and three minutes of “uh-oh”. Uh-huh.

I was gonna give this less than five but that felt like adorable criminal intent. A solid five for you, Robyn.

Book Review: Innocent Secretary…Accidentally Pregnant

2010-09-13T22:40:00.012-05:00

Ah, another day, another trashy book.

SEXY SICILIAN BOSS - HANDLE WITH CARE! Plain Emma Stephenson might not look like a tycoon's glamorous assistant, but for Luca D'Amato - a playboy who like to play - breaking through her no-nonsense attitude is his favourite new game. Sensible Emma thought all they'd be sharing was an office - not a bed! But she's learning fast what being Luca's personal assistant really means! Now he's standing there offering her a promotion, and she's trying to find the words to tell him....she's pregnant!

Sounds like sexual harassment to me. That title, too, oh, boy. That title reminds me of that Bruce Willis line in The Last Boy Scout: "It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife." And holy crap, check that cover. She's like a twelve year-old hiding a watermelon under her dress. The window view's incredible, too. Apparently his office resides on a boat!

After a not-so-promising job interview, our heroine Emma Stephenson ends up meeting her prospective boss: good looking, Italian-something-or-other, mama-mia billionairo Luca D'Amato. Of course, Luca's magic boomstick wastes no time honing in on Emma. She disses his night in Paris to go home and watch tv. My first thoughts were that this was totally awesome. Although she's immediately attracted to Luca, she also has the pluck that comes from growing up in the den of hot womanizers that were her father and older brothers. She knows Luca's type of guy and is having none of his poo-poo.

Emma ends up walking in on Senior PA Evelyn's "WAAH, I JUST WANT A BAY-BEE" session. As they bond awkwardly over the latter's barren womb, Evelyn admits she just wants Luca to stop boning the help.

Emma: "Maybe you should look for a male PA."
Evelyn: "They'd fall in love with him, too."

Fuck a duck, Luca's Johnny Depp. Hell, that might’ve been a better book. Anyway, poor Evelyn just wants to do her job and get a bun baking in the old oven. Newly impressed with Emma, Evelyn decides to give her the job after all.

Okay, so Emma finds she's just too darn attracted to the wrong damn guy. Fair enough. That shit happens. Luca is also very drawn to Emma.

"...and they shared a glass of water. Funny that he noticed a little thing like that--funny that to Luca it matter that she didn't go and get another glass."

UHHH-HUH. Well, you know, dude, she could've just been lazy. Or not even thinking about it. Just putting that out there. Despite his feelings, Luca made a vow to eighty-six all relationships and decides he better keep his hands off Emma because once he gets involved, he'll need her to GTFO of his life. Still, he's dying take her to Italy for hot pizza lovin.

I'm still trying to figure out at what moment this book proceeds to sink into quicksand and never come back to us.

Maybe the first thing is that it kinda twiddles its thumbs getting off the ground. We spend a good third of the story acquainted with both Emma and Luca's misgivings about getting involved. Second, instead of either one making any real concession to get over that hurdle, Luca just storms in and lays one on Emma and that’s that. Because he's Luca and he can. Then Emma finds her dead mother had actually left the family before her fatal accident. Emma all but immediately tells Luca they’ll go to Italy and he can have her virginity.

BWUH?

While Emma has admittedly wavering confidence from the start of the book, I just don't even see that happening. Emma established that she likes him a lot but can’t compromise her goals because she knows his type. She's seen it a dozen times in her own family AND with Luca's ho-parade. Evelyn told Emma to her face how Luca plays. If Luca had given any hint having something different with Emma, maybe I could see her tricking herself into it.

"I know the rules, Luca. And I'm prepared to play by them."

Except she doesn't. She wants to do it with no condom. She pushes and prods into his personal and family business. She concludes sex is "making love". She counters his inevitable verbal lashings with too many whiney "I hate you"s. Then, after all of that hurt and no apology on his part, they do it again and Luca ditches her again! "No! You said you loved me!" she sobs, flailing her arms at him like a harpy. Yes, really. What the hell happened to the strong woman in the beginning of the book? The one who appeared to have at least two brain cells to rub together? After all of that, I just could not imagine how Emma was any exception among the other clingy women that populated Luca's life. The author states in the preface that when she created Luca, she knew she would have to create a "special" heroine for him. Yes, that's one word for it.

Luca for all of his faults was written better and I wish author Carol Marinelli just made the book completely from his point of view. Not only would we have been spared the bird's nest that is Emma's thoughts, we might've known what the hell he was thinking taking advantage of Emma—a woman he admits he actually likes as a human being—in her ridiculously over-fragile emotional state. Then, for not wanting Emma to get attached to him, he does several personal kindnesses a young, besotted virgin would surely misread. When Emma presumes too much concern, he tells her to drop the act since he's paying her for sex. He then proceeds to bully her out of her job. You're a real professional, bro.

But he's only hurting her because he loves her! BAAAAAAW. She does eventually leave him and doesn't even tell him about the baby. Luca not only already knows but ACTUALLY ADMIRES HER for not playing "her last card". EW. At the end, Luca finds out he's some other guy's kid and it seems to magically negate his fears of the past. God forbid he actually conquer those things without such a neat escape hatch.

And witherto the romance? I really couldn't find any at this point. Luca brings Emma breakfast in bed before he dicks out, does that count? I mean this is a Harlequin Mills & Boon book but it’s more devoted to the freakin' family drama fucking the two leads over than having them plausibly fall in love through mutual understanding. Or some shit.

One and a half acorns. I consider the extra half generous. I'm not even gonna bother with posting the actual acorns. You're just getting a picture of my face after reading this book. For a good laugh, read this five-star review from a plant over at Amazon. "She's different from the other women he's dated, she's a challenge,..." So's a chick with autism. Or an idiot. Or someone with OCD. Or a circus bear. C'est romantique!

CSI: Miami - Horatio Caine's Sunglasses Moments

2010-09-10T06:17:00.001-05:00

How odd that I basically hate this show but the same cornball moments I loathed it for are the only parts that make it relevant to me. I used to be big on CSI for the first few seasons. Then you just get tired of people dying. Why do people gotta die so much on tv? That's not what I watch tv for, so I can see some fool's dead body on a slab. And when they do die, why can't be it be on The Bacheor?

So I gave CSI: Miami a shot when it first premiered and it blew that shot in my opinion. I even gave it repeat viewers after my initial "WTF is this crap" moment. The cast was inferior and the jokes cornier. I was in utter disbelief when I heard the Miami one was the most popular CSI. HUH? David Caruso is a hack. He's the Nicholas Cage of television. Did he ever show his ass on NYPD Blue like Dennis Franz? Dennis Franz's ass is burned into my brain. I will die and as the montage of my life passes before my eyes, I will see Dennis Franz's ass.

Hey, anyone remember that Tales From the Crypt episode where Whoopi Goldberg cuts off that guy's head because his red hair was so damn valuable? For years I remembered that as being David Caruso. It was actually James Remar a.k.a. Ajax from The Warriors. Too bad it wasn't Caruso. That would've rocked hard.

Just what the eff is 'real racism'?

2010-09-08T23:56:00.005-05:00

I was reading this bs: Dr. Laura Schlessinger's N-word rant. If you don't care about clicking on the link, apparently someone actually thought Dr. Laura could give her actual help and called last month about a legitimate problem. The caller, a black woman married to a white man, wanted advice concerning her in-laws' racist comments. So Dr. Laura proceeded to make a huge dick of herself per usual, won't be returning, and is now crying into her Confederate hankie because "boo hoo, freedom of speech wuz violated". Whatever. Like anyone who matters was listening to her in the first place.

But then two words appeared in a couple of the comments: "real racism." Here's the tune people often sing this to:

- Event occurs.
- Someone calls it out as being "racist".
- Random a-hole says it's not "real racism". "Why, Civil War was won. Affirmative action's ruined my life. Obama is president now, rah rah rah."

Because if it's not "real racism", you're just being hypersensitive, amirite? But tell me good sirs and sirettes, WTF. IS. THAT? Google "real racism". I did.

The second hit was the bullshit that I expected. The website is called "American Thinker". Heh, see wut they did thar?

"Real racism in America presupposes the inadequacy of dark-skinned Americans and the inherent ignominy of whites; it reveals itself in a self-satisfied nostalgia for redemptive struggle and refusal to accept present realities."

Dude, WTF? Speak anglais, dawg. I mean, what is the deal with all of the bloated prose on some of these websites? Made all the worse when said prose takes up three pages when it only needs one like on hit #3? But of course I wasn't really expecting an answer from American Stinker when prefaced with clown-feces like this:

"Anyone who has been awake for the last twenty-five years should know that the uniquely institutional American sin of racism has long been a thing of the past. From our new President's election, to the phenomenal success of Oprah Winfrey and Tiger Woods, to the domination of the entertainment and professional sports industry--"

Aha. AHA. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yes, that's what real racism is. It's Rosa Parks not getting to sit at the front of the bus. It's half a black guy finally becoming president. It's a guy that's good with a basketball getting paid millions of dollars to stick it in a hoop. It's badmouthing Katrina victims. Struggle over, conflict won. ORLY?

Except racism is not just a ball of defamation and hate. It's the wonky distribution of wealth and education. It's talking about all of the black people going to jail instead of asking WHY they're all growing up seemingly destined for jail. It's television, movies, and even book covers denying people of color and pidgeon-holing them to a ridiculous degree. It's people of color walking towards you and you cross the street.

BTW, the first hit I got on my search was right on: Is Racism Real? John Robbins, I salute you.

I Answer Other People's Letters #1090910

2010-09-07T19:45:00.006-05:00

Today's Victim: Heloise [9/5/10]

Dear Heloise: Keeping up with the housework is a challenge. I have three kids, both my husband and I work, and the house is a mess. So I came up with a plan for everyone to help. I wrote down each room on a piece of paper and placed slips in a jar. We took turns pulling out slips, and we cleaned whichever room we picked. If the kids don't do their chores, then they don't get their allowance. I still do the laundry and the cooking, but it is nice to have helped with everything else.

First off, what do you and your husband do for a living? I ask because I'd love to get a job where I can afford to live in such a huge-ass house that five people have to resort to picking from a jar in order to clean it. Since you still do laundry and the cooking, I can't help but think that your kids may be kinda young and you're just exploiting child labor. As much as eight year-olds need to be taught values of cleanliness, let's keep them cleaning their own rooms, picking up after themselves, and doing weekly vacuuming. You really don't want grubby hands cleaning where you prepare food or where you put your toothbrush.

Dear Heloise: When a bag of straws was opened, the straws would scatter everywhere when we tried to take one out. So my husband took a potato-chip can, rinsed it out and dried it, and cut a hole in the plastic lid. He added the straws. A quick shake yields one straw at a time. When we have straws left over from fast-food restaurants, I add them to the can.

You're old, aren't you? I mean, aside from going "HULK WANT STRAW!!" to the straw bag, for what other reason would the straws go everywhere unless you were an arthitic biddy? Unless you're a chronic masterbater but those don't typically write to Heloise. Anyway, don't be so cheap. Go buy a nice jar for the straws or something. I tend to reuse and recycle a lot of shit but I'd hardly use a chip can people were cramming their hands in for something that's destined for my mouth.

Dear Heloise: My teenage son has a cell phone. I always have my family check their pockets before they put their clothes in the dirty laundry for anything left in their pockets. Unfortunately, I didn't check his pockets first and washed his cell phone. To teach him some responsibility, I said he'd have to use his own money to replace it, which he did. Two weeks later, I washed my cell phone. Needless to say, I returned his money with a red face

Congratulations on completely negating your own lesson. You were trying to teach your son to be responsible for his own actions so he had to pay to replace his phone that was ruined by his own negligence. When the same thing happened to you, it meant it was up to you to replace the phone you ruined by your own negligence. What about that situation means you had to give him a refund as if admitting a mistake? This was another lesson for your son, showing him even authority figures such as parents make honest oversights and are subject to the same rules. And you fucked it up for him. It's not your job to check his pockets, it was his and he failed and ruined his property as a result. Doing the same thing yourself doesn't entitle him to shit.

Dear Heloise: We get several magazines a month, and I sometimes cannot remember which ones I have read. I usually pass them on to my mother after I read them. So I now put the initial "R" on the upper right-hand corner. It stands for "read," and I know that I can pass along the magazine.

You're old, too, aren't you? Assuming your mom doesn't cohabitate with you and this isn't a matter of taking them downstairs to her room, just toss in already read magazines into a box, bag, or basket by the front door. Then take it to her on your way out to see her. Not that it really matters if you deface a magazine but I like to get useless crap out of my way. Having a bunch of read magazines with barely discernable R's in the corner doesn't seem as effective as getting them out of the way.

JUST FOR KIDS

Dear Heloise: I came up with this idea: I use markers, crayons, and other craft materials to decorate tissue boxes so they can match whichever room they are going into. After the tissue runs out, I use them to store things like hair accessories or cotton balls.

Wow, you must be really poor to only be able to afford plain-ass tissue boxes that actually need to be decorated. Even the generic ones I see at the store have some pattern on it already. And keep your cotton balls in the baggie. There's nothing worse than trying to clean off your nail polish or wipe off your make-up with a pair of dirty balls. Learn this now or learn it later the hard way.

Names were eliminated for the purposes of this post. I'm mean enough already.

Book Review: The Spanish Secret Love Child

2010-09-06T18:21:00.012-05:00

New boss-love-child scandal! When plain-Jane Alex McGuire indulged in an innocent flirtation with a staggeringly perfect stranger, she never expected their paths to cross again. Meek and dowdy Alex was the ideal distraction for Gabriel Cruz in his heady playboy days- But, since running the Cruz family business has beckoned, frivolous distractions are a thing of the past- So on Alex-s first day of her new job she not only finds her perfect stranger is her boss-but she must tell him that their short affair left a lasting impression!

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but "an innocent flirtation" is hardly what I call knocking boots with a "perfect stranger". This book's author is Cathy Williams and I've never read an ending by her that I've liked. That being said, a handful of her books have still made my favorites so I gave this one a shot.

Williams seems to be geniunely trying to do something a tad different from other Harlequins. She uses unconventional heroines. She had the heroine marry the hero and forget about it. She had a heroine paying an unannounced visit to the hero and not for the expected "pregnancy surprise" reason. So I appreciate what she's doing.

I had so much hope for this book and not by the title. The title, like the cover, is a mess. Get a load of it. Not an official Harlequin one, but they all use the same Mills & Boon artwork. Never mind that the chick in the book is described like Jane Wiedlin. WTF? One of the few times we get a heroine without Titian curls or a "silky curtain" of blonde hair and they still muck it up. Also, that guy looks skeezy.

Our heroine is Alex McGuire, a tall, Irish, boyish, horse-like (heh, don't ask) spitfire of a woman with a dark pixie haircut. Our hero is Spaniard Gabriel Lucio Cruz, described as a "billionaire whizz-kid" by the press. Don't let this fool you, he's not self-made and he's thirty. Gabriel owns the London firm Alex works in although who knows what business he's in. It doesn't matter.

Years ago Gabriel had posed as a local and had a little fun with Alex. When she got serious, he disappeared and left her with a one-way train ticket to dumpsville and a bun in the oven. Oops. Therefore, the "secret love-child" being a secret in the first place IS ALL GABRIEL'S FAULT. Gabriel completely lied to Alex and she couldn't FIND him to tell him about the baby. Thankfully, we are pretty much spared but the barest accounts of this history.

Alex is brought up to Gabriel's office to translate for Gabriel's English-impaired spoiled fianceé Cristobel. Alex goes into immediate denial and can't believe the rich bitch Gabriel was her dirt-poor loverboy Lucio. Gabriel also recognizes her. He calls her back to his office later and cruelly gets the truth of who he is out in the open. When he shoots himself in the foot and says that Alex will be regularly catering to Cristobel, Alex tells him to stuff himself and her job. Yay for cajones.

Alex doesn't tell him right up front he has a kid. Though part in selfishness, Gabriel DID completely lie to her among a host of other reasons. Gabriel quickly condescends to feel guilty for Alex's speedy resignation and seeks her out. She declines the offer to return to her job and suddenly decides to introduce Gabriel to their son Luke instead.

Gabriel offers Alex a marriage of convenience and she said HELLS NAH. That was awesome but unfortunately Gabriel just plain doesn't mean it when he accepts no as her answer and has zero respect for Alex's decision. He never seems to grasp how appalling it was for him to suddenly dump Cristobel, coldly offer marriage to Alex, or even how traumatized Alex may feel to find out the great love of her life was "a piece of innocent fiction."

In fact, Gabriel manages to constantly feel inconvenienced, bothered, and ruffled that his magnanimous generousity, a.k.a. Gabriel trying to buy himself his own way, is rebuffed. Instead of bringing him crashing down, Alex weakens to him instead and her behavior comes off more like an idiotic ruse. For all of his rudeness and arrogance, sexy Gabriel still gets Alex hot all over. EW. At one point, instead of finding another place to sleep or calling the hero out on his crap, Alex climbs into bed with Gabriel who of course sleeps nude. Then she shrugs, tosses her prior values and characterization out of the window, and goes "Well, why not?" No really, it actually says "Well, why not?" in the book. And I rolled my eyes and pretty much gave up.

The book hastily degenerates back into standard fare, like Williams's editor shook her and reminded her it needed to be a piece of crap. Alex accepts a second offer for a marriage of convenience for really shitty reasons. She then manages to act secure enough to trust Gabriel and then flips her shit when she sees a picture of him and Cristobel. This didn't make sense seeing how Gabriel never portrays himself as anyone to be trusted. He hadn't declared any love and they had barely made any sort of progress besides the kind below the waist. Alex, I am disappoint.

Additionally, Gabriel never answers for his behavior and probably grovels for about a single page. This doesn't cut it. He was given everything in life. His parents are happily married and stable. He's had no great traumas or troubles. Yet, he was turned off of marrying for love since his employees had failed marriages because his company, like, worked them too hard or something. WTF? I don't even have the words for that. When Luke was conceived, Gabriel jerked around an innocent eighteen-year-old Alex for his amusement. And for all of his talk of how he dodged a bullet by breaking up with Cristobel, you wonder how Gabriel would be so blind to all of her ridiculously numerous faults in the first place. Maybe if he were in love or lust or even under pressure to be with Cristobel in particular, but none are those are the case. He really had a lot to make up for and he never does.

Four acorns for the first five chapters, one for the rest. Averaged for two and a half. ½

Book Review: The Sabbides Secret Baby

2010-09-05T23:53:00.020-05:00

Oh, secret babies. These Harlequins are so much fun. It's hard to pull off the "secret baby" storyline without it coming off utterly ridiculous and this one starts out above the curve though it ends up undermining itself. Here's the official synopsis with my comments:

Discarded for breaking his rules… Naïve Phoebe Brown fell for Mediterranean--

In other words, who gives a fuck what country this guy's from? He's Italian or Greek or Spanish or Sicilian. It doesn't matter. The Harlequin readership knows they all look alike: cue in the dark hair, dark skin, giant honking famblee, inexplicable height, and massive hard-on for loose socialites and archaic traditions.

--magnate Jed Sabbides--

JED? LOL WUT?

--after he wined, dined and bedded her with a fervour that made her feel cherished.

Because everyone knows sexing = lub

But when Phoebe happily announced she was pregnant Jed was appalled.

How dare she!? How could this have happened!? HOW? ...OHHHH.

Didn’t she understand – she was only a pleasing distraction? Sadly Phoebe lost the man she loved--

Loved for God knows what reason. The sexings, I guess. He was just THAT. GODDAMN. GOOD.

--and her baby… Claimed for having his child! So it is with disbelief that, years later, Jed discovers Phoebe has a little boy…who looks just like him!

HMMM. Could it be his? Can he has son nao?

This probably the fourth or fifth I've read by author Jacqueline Baird. She sets up the couple and their past in the first two chapters and devotes the rest to rekindling their relationship, which I liked. Some other Harlequins seem to be fond of meandering in time and inserting several confusing, boring flashbacks no one really gives a fuck about. Baird is succint in this regard and we spend the majority of the story in the present. Good on her.

Thirty-year-old Jed Sabbides is a hot, foreign rich guy like most of these dudes are. Brother made his money first as an online poker millionaire. Hey, it's possible. He uses his poker winnas to set up a successful investment firm, later taking over his father's company Sabbides Corporation. Overkill much? Having a dude get rich by his mad poka skillz alone would've been tiz-ight and hella more interesting. But Baird decided to make him the Harlequin Standard Greek Tycoon™ after all. Boo, he was already rich by default through daddy. Oh yeah, and he doesn't believe in marriage. HAHAHA.

Phoebe is the requisite Harlequin blonde heroine: an innocent, slender, blue-eyed, creamy-skinned, 5'8" virgin nine years Jed's junior. She wants to finish her college degree and travel the world: first stop, the tiny peninsula nation of Jed's pants. He manipulates her into giving up the goods and after a year on tour--if you get my drift--she's in love with him. In fact, she's fantasizing about marriage despite that he TOLD HER FROM THE START he would not marry her. They don't even so much as live together. *headdesk*

She tactlessly tells him she's pregnant and hell breaks loose. They part ways a short time later under the assumption that Phoebe miscarried. Wires are crossed of course and she thinks he never cared about her or the baby. Jed... well Jed doesn't really HAVE an excuse. He does nothing to overtly suggest that he ever loved her or to disprove that she was just a warmer for his meatstick after all.

They meet again some five years later. Despite having a new woman in his life--family friend and almost-fiancée Sophia--Jed becomes obsessed with Phoebe again. That's right, he was on the verge of proposing even though he doesn't believe in marriage. Make up yo' damn mind, foo'. He is floored to discover Phoebe is a single mother and her nearly five-year-old son Ben looks JUST LIKE JED. Yes, it is his kid. You can guess what happened.

Jed is naturally pissed and hilarity ensues. Well, not really. After a good start, it gets kinda dull. Jed proceeds to manipulate his way back into Phoebe's life. Somewhere around Chapter Eight or Nine he ends up bagging her again. Without contraception, he's too happy to note. UGH. Way for her not to learn her lesson. And she teaches sex ed classes at a school. ARGH.

At one point Phoebe confronts almost-fiancée Sophia: "In a way Phoebe almost felt sorry for Sophia. She had come closer than any other female to marrying the most eligible bachelor in Greece." Good lord, the conceit! Over the selfish, manipulative asshat that Phoebe believed for years had treated her like a disposable whore and wanted her to abort her baby. Considering Sophia was never jerked around this way, Phoebe should stick to feeling sorrier for herself.

Jed eventually admits his love for Phoebe in the last damn chapter. In fact, he loved her from the moment he saw her. HUH? ORLY? Then why did he SIT ON HIS ASS FOR FIVE YEARS and never use his considerable resources to win Phoebe back? Then Jed sweetens the pot: "I never even looked at another woman for over two years since you left." That admission is soooo special and flatters Phoebe because Jed is a "highly-sexed man." Him going without cooter for a lil' while is, like, a big step. Never mind he started porking Sophia and whoever when his highly-sexedness returned. He's a proud Greek male after all, all Greekness all the Greeking time. Meanwhile, Phoebe's had nothing but Hitachi and Kenny G. Jed likes the way Phoebe rolls. It gives "him immense pride and satisfaction to know he was the only man who had ever made love to her." HYUCK.

And of course, in the end the whole famblee gets together for a big Greekity, Greek wedding. Jed's father, who was supposedly at his death bed, gets his mack on with Phoebe's Aunt Jemma who now lives in Greece, thus keepin' it in the family y'all. Ben magically speaks fluent Greek like a Greekian should. Phoebe pooped out twins, giving Asshole "the heir, the spare, and the bonus." Yeah, real nice. And thus their kids shall grow up to hate them both.

With less reliance on the tired Harlequin tropes, a more contrite, devoted hero, and a heroine who isn't so ready to fling her panties off and her brain with them, this probably would've been a more enjoyable read. The ending was tied up so neatly with a bow I almost choked on ribbon. I did, for the record, like the first few chapters.

Three acorns out of five.

The Mess That is MySpace

2010-09-01T22:45:00.005-05:00

MySpace used to be fun. Anyone else remember that? The joy when you first created your account. You chose a nickname. You put a picture of whatever you felt like putting. You controlled exactly what information you felt like giving. You added music however you wanted to, like through Project Playlist. And you went to band pages and could actually download the songs if they allowed you to. You jerked around with the page colors, the scroll bar, using and abusing CSS and even hotlinking in the process. Who cared?

I wasn't one those that was there from the start. I recall sometime around 2004 when my younger co-workers at the time were going on about MySpace. I wanted to view someone's pics but needed an account so I got one and fiddled with it here and there. That was that. I don't remember exactly when it took a turn for the worse. It may have been what appeared to be an upsurge of human trash trying to laid and/or stoned. For all I know, they could've always have been there along with the spammers.

People were always so damn suspicious. "Who's dat! Who's dat friending me?" And all I could think of was "Jeez, you think you're waaaaay more important than you actually are, you know that?" There was big stinkin' worry about being stalked. Hey, you know what? You put information out there, you get stalked. Especially since some of the said whiners were the type to bombard their profiles with personal photographs (some of illicit activities) and would put down their school, address, full name, phone number, etc. I never got that. Wouldn't your real flesh-in-blood friends already have that info? Why would you need to put it on the internet? Most laughable were those folks that'd put everything on private as if they were actually successfully hiding anything. It kinda seemed to defy the entire point of MySpace, which felt like a public forum to interact with others. Perhaps early on it had that Facebook feel of exclusivity, but it certainly never felt that way to me. Maybe I'm in the minority.

The change with the music is what I noticed first. Not being able to download mp3s anymore was a bummer. I remember sitting in the office on campus and wanting music in the background as I worked. Hopping around profiles of bands I friended, I'd play their entire music list and then move on to someone else. Myspace even put in an option of making a playlist although my memory of that feature is a little more vague. Then, one day, the music stopped. Huh? Turned out it stopped for an AD. What the hell's the point of a music playlist when it STOPS for advertising? A playlist is designed to play the fuck through. If you need to put in ads, why didn't something just pop up on the MySpace screen I was at or why didn't an audio ad interrupt the music and then move its ass right along?

That blue bar at the bottom got a real WTF from me. I'm not even sure I know what that is. I hated that thing on Facebook and was so glad when it was no longer a pest. Seems MySpace never got that memo. I was typing in a blog entry and the bar began obscuring the bottom lines of my text. Wow, they didn't even make it smart enough to move out of the way.

Then MySpace started whoring out a free e-mail service, which they continue to do so to this very day. Just who the heck wouldn't have a free e-mail account already? Hotmail/MSN, Excite, Yahoo, Gmail... I've had 'em all. Even specialty mails... dead-and-gone dbzmail and Xenafan mail. Hello Kitty e-mail. Seems like every fandom had a free e-mail account, especially ten years ago. Domain's have their own e-mail too so there's also that. Why the hell would anyone need or want myspace e-mail? Ew. It's right up there with MySpace wanting people to download some chatting IM thing. I was sick of IMing and sick of IM software *cough*AIM*cough* putting shitloads of spyware on my comp.

In trying to become the trashier cousin of Facebook in some of its features, MySpace has managed to passably attempt to be streamlined but still not succeeding. In my Friends Requests, I'd be able to open each person up in a new tab so I could look at their profile before I accepted. Now this isn't possible. WHY? YouTube did this shit, too. Now when I went to look at multiple links from the same YouTube page, I have to open up the user channel in a new tab (and that's if the vids I want to see even exist on the same channel) or go back and search the vid again. Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. We live in a world of tabbed browsing. Don't fight it, guize.

I also got the grossest Match.com advertisement haunting me. "Hey B E C K, these GROSS UGLY-ASS GHETTO-TASTIC 'MEN' [and I use that word loosely] YOU'D NEVER GO FOR IN A MILLION YEARS are looking for a woman like you." EWWWW. I nearly threw up. If the ad hadn't eventually changed to something else, I would've logged out and not come back. I wanted to change my gender on the profile to not reflect female and you can't do that. I remember not having it listed for a while when I first started using MySpace. That's a stupid option to take away. I HATE HATE HATE gender specific advertising.

One thing I always felt MySpace had over Facebook was the profile customizations, especially where color is concerned. Let's face it, blue and white is a big fat bore. However, MySpace appears uninterested in playing to this strength. I'm still using the old profile layout. I've tried twice to change to the new one and can't bring myself to do it. It's just UGLY AS ASS. Not to mention it has the poorest ad placement ever. Yech.

A musical tone just played while I was logged in and I have no idea what just happened. That pretty much summarizes things. I've written too damn much anyway. Who cares? You didn't.

Music Review: Devo - "Something For Everybody"

2010-08-31T00:46:00.010-05:00

Usually I sit and stew on whatever I'm reviewing and go through more thought processes than what is probably required for my memoirs at age seventy let alone a blog with three followers. Here, I'm listening to it as I type. So there.

Yes, twenty years later we have a new Devo album. I was never a huge devotee of Devo. I mean, I turned up "Whip It" on the radio with everyone else and that was about it. And that album cover is hot. (See Katy Perry, this is how a sizzling album cover is done. And it's for a DEVO album, woman.)

1. Fresh - This was real catchy. Good beat, really got me tapping my toes.

2. What We Do - I think the right remix of it would make it beyond smashing. Cans we has one?

3. Please Baby Please - Like it. Maybe I don't have issue with "Please baby, please baby, baby baby please, baby" since the song's shorter? Maybe cause it kinda reminds me of an alien surfing in space and he took the Stray Cats hostage?

4. Don't Shoot (I'm A Man) - I actually like the rest of the entire song better than the chorus. "Don't shoot! I'm a MAAAAAAAn!" Meh. Didn't do it justice. I wanted to like a song that uses "don't taze me, bro" much better than this.

5. Mind Games - Solid song but probably nothing I'd play without playing the entire album. Would probably go great on a soundtrack for a romantic comedy somewhere.

6. Human Rocket - Awesome.

7. Sumthin' & 8. Step Up - These kinda meshed for me. It's like the weird kid in class that impressed you at first until you realize he doesn't really do anything else.

9. Cameo - We slow down a little. Would've liked it if we had slowed down even more. Devo continues the trend of repetitious lyrics. Yes, Devo does those great but let's shake it up a bit, too. It's okay.

10. Later Is Now - I'm listening to the album all the way through and by this time it feels like I've already heard this song earlier in the album. Nothing against the song itself. On it's own it doesn't have any other short-coming off the top of my head besides being a little less memorable than it should. Just starting to get a little melding-itis here: where one song sounds too similar to the other.

11. No Place Like Home - It starts off good but then Devo rememembered they forgot to repeat the title ad nauseum. This could've been a sweet, quiet moment in the album. Not to be. Pity because it really needed a couple.

12. March On - This sounds like the end theme to the coolest video game in the late 80's that was never made. Of course, I never made it to the end 'cause I kept dying. Nice way to close out.

I don't know if it's supposed to be ironic or not that the album's called "Something For Everybody" yet feels very pigeonholed. If that's the idea behind it, that's fine. I personally prefer something a little more diverse from 5-acorn albums. They have slow tracks, peppy ones, and some of the stuff in between. They run like a story even if all the tracks don't exactly go together. That doesn't seem to exist here. The tracks have a lot of sameness to them. It's a runner trying to keep the same speed. You need a hill or two.

At Rolling Stone, someone commented: "You could say there are too many lyrics. Too much singing. They are trying too hard to say something. I'm not sure what." That rings true to me, too. They talk so much that nothing stands out. Relax, boys. Your music's bitchin'. Simmer down for a moment and let us actually hear it.

All in all, not quite my cuppa but this album is still solid. 3.75 acorns.

¾

Yes, I just rated this lower than Katy Perry. Her album had more keepers for me track-wise. Sowwy.

Music Review: Marina & The Diamonds - "The Family Jewels"

2010-08-30T23:53:00.009-05:00

One of my new favorite artists to emerge in 2009 has to be Marina Diamandis. Yes, she's a solo artist. "The Diamonds" are supposed to be us the fans or something. This year marked the release of her debut studio album "The Family Jewels". Her songs are quirky, upbeat and downbeat at the same time. I know I will fail to write adequate praise. She strives to be as different from factory-churned pop as possible in both sound and lyrics. In that respect she's similar to the same message being sold by loads of pop-tarts except she actually is freakin' different. Marina has said "I'd prefer to have 10,000 intelligent, questioning, fans full of life than 10 million unthinking, colourless ones." This album is sure to fulfill that wish.

Marina is not singing rejected Britney Spears tunes and selling herself off as a rebel. She is actively rebelling in her lyrics and perhaps even more importantly in her sound. Marina hoots, chirps, yodels. I'm fairly certain she probably whistles and beeps too if you ask her nicely. Her tone is remorseful. Giddy. Affirming. Even a bit annoyed. Slightly perturbed. It sometimes reminds me of the audio embodiment of those sock-type things that pop out of the can. It almost doesn't seem congruent. You just have to accept it the same way you accept Goofy and Pluto are both dogs, yet one lives in a people-house and talks and the other doesn't.

Even Amazon.com can't recommend anything close. It gives me Janelle Monáe, M.I.A., Dragonette, V.V. Brown, the Noisettes. It gave me Melody Gardot and tons of bluesy types I have no real interest in listening to. Maybe La Roux comes close to the same category. Maybe.

There's a deluxe digital edition at Amazon for $11.99 that includes a video for Hollywood, a digital booklet, and a handful of remixes. If you don't already own this album and are looking for a digital version, I suggest that be the version you buy. Track breakdown, non-deluxe style:

1. Are You Satisfied? - This one's kinda catchy with a drop of folksy and two more of electronic. Not my favorite, but goes well with the whole of the album.

2. Shampain - One of my favorites. I find I start singing it sometimes with no prompting what-so-ever. "Drinking shampain, to forget yesterday..." From what I hear, this is supposed to be her next single with vid forthcoming. Can't freaking wait.

3. I Am Not A Robot - This is probably the song that hooked me on Marina. It's practically an anthem even though you aren't going to go shout out lyrics at any party. Or maybe you would. I guess it would depend on the party. GUESS WHAT!? I AM NOT A ROBOT!

4. Girls - Makes fun of those shallows chicks we all went to school with. You know the ones. All they say is na-na na na-na.

5. Mowgli's Road - Holy crap, just go see the vid of this. This song is like Sussudio in that it's so effin' cool and I have no godly idea why. Seriously. It has a message. The message is there. But what are the ten silver spoons all about? Do I not read enough? Is it bad I don't care? Also, I tend to favor the longer version of this. Just saying.

6. Obsessions - I remember when this was lighting up music blogs every where. It's a nice song.

7. Hollywood - I LOVE this song but the extra verse in the album version kinda gets a shake of the head from me. I think it kinda throws off the rhythm a bit. Well, the shorter one should be easy enough to find somewhere. Otherwise, I'm all over this one.

8. The Outsider - "...cause I'm a FUCKING WILLLLDCARD!" I notice reviews either love that line or hate it. Frankly, I wish Marina would do more of them.

9. Guilty - This is another fave. It has a pulsing beat and a haunting darkness about it but you won't go weeping into your closet because of it. This one, Shampain, Hollywood, and Oh No! are probably the ones I have in constant rotation when I play music.

10. Hermit the Frog - I really don't know what to think of this song. It definetely gets props on the title alone. For some reason, I feel like a stoner's band in the 70's should be singing this instead. Like I should be sitting back and lighting a joint. Except I don't do no drugs, son. Huh?

11. Oh No! - Her latest single from this album, I believe. I honestly never gave it much of a listen until the video came out. Then I was all "Duuude, why did I keep skipping this one. It's damn good." And now I play it too much. Oh yeah, and there's Oh No! specs, too. Didja know?

12. Seventeen - This is another one that I heard on the music blogs long before I even knew she was doing a full album. I distinctly remember downloading it and listening to it like 30 times that day. No. Rly.

13. Numb - This one's a little gem. I'd love to hear different artists cover it.

14. Rootless - Nice and slow. Like #1, I don't normally listen to it without having played the entire album. It's a nice cap off, just what I like when the album winding's down.

Go check out more Marina vids, like other music videos and such, on her YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/Marinaandthediamonds

Also: Marina & the Diamonds Official Site

5 fucking acorns.

Music Review: Katy Perry - "Teenage Dream"

2010-08-29T02:02:00.007-05:00

Going track-by-track, in order, broken down like so:

1. Teenage Dream - This song reminds me of the album cover. I could totally picture her nekkid on that cloud singing to some poor dude with a raging hard-on. Then at the end he wakes up, flings the sheet away and furiously jerks off just as his mom suddenly opens the door. "Junior, do have any dirty sooooocks?" Hilarity ensues. I gave up a long time ago holding serious issue with a singer's vocal ability or lack thereof. I find it really depends on the song. In this case, however, the two main verses really feel like they could've been helped by a singer who can, well, sing better in whatever register that's supposed to be in. I love the rest of it though. Maybe it would've been better as a duet with someone else singing those higher verses?

2. Last Friday Night (TGIF) - An Amazon reviewer pointed out: "Some of the stuff she sings in this one song were blacking out, breaking laws, maxing out credit cards, having a threesome, and drinking to[o] many shots. ... Her core audience is teens, and they will start thinking this is normal behavior with the way she is all blasé and carefree about seriously stupid behavior." Now, while those are good points, I personally don't give a rat's ass. People that would go out and do that Darwinizing b.s. don't need a Katy Perry song of all things to encourage them. While it has a decent beat, the dumb lyrics make it a shallow, uninspired thing and the voice never really rescues any of it. In other words, it probably would've been better suited for the next Ke$ha album. (I like a couple of Ke$ha's songs, too, but come on, her voice sounds like it's giving you an STD half the time. You know it's true.)

3. California Gurls - What does this song have in common with Rhianna's hit "Umbrella"? Give up? They're both ruined by frickin' rappers. Why do they do this crap? What about delicious, sugary pop in this instance requires some unwelcomed dose of "bow wow wow yippee-yo yippee-yay, I like dat ass"? When I listen to "Umbrella", I put on a version that removes Jay-Z. Someone remove Snoop. DO IT. Yes, he likes Katy Perry's ass. I get that and I'm okay with it. But, really, if I gave a ding-dong hey-ho about Snoop, I wouldn't be listening to Katy Perry's album instead. It's like someone just spat on my biscuit. Yeah, I could cut the part with the spittle off and eat the rest but I'd rather just throw the whole thing away.

4. Firework - No, I never feel like a plastic bag. That's not eco-friendly for one thing. "Firework" is due to be the third single for the album after "California Gurls" and "Teenage Dream". Considering those became huge hits, I expect this one to become one, too. Not that it really deserves it. Don't get me wrong, it's kinda cute and it has that generic Top-40 radio sound the rest of the world swoons over. Something I'd put on in the background while I do dishes or something. It, like the previous two, again shows Perry's strength in the chorus of her songs. Those always feel so strong to me and I find much disappoint that the verses aren't catchier like in "Hot and Cold" off of her other ablum. All in all though, it's one those songs that's usually found in between two much better ones. And since it's not terrible, you let it play instead of skipping to the next track.

5. Peacock - Has a nice beat but, God, "I want to see your peacock, cock, cock"? "Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock? What are you waiting for, it's time for you shoot it off?" Ugh. Well, at least she hasn't forgotten her target audience. I wish the lyrics weren't so immature and stupid, which is hilarious for me to type because (1) I actually listened to the three previous tracks with a straight face and (2) I normally live for stupid and immature lyrics. Or, at least, I can get over them and enjoy the beat. I can imagine how the song writing session for this went: "Let's see how many times we can get the word 'cock' in a song. Tee hee." Yeah, real fuckin' creative. They should've just gone all the way and made it about John Hancock. Or shuttlecock. Please, someone, cover this song with different lyrics.

6. Circle The Drain - Another catchy tune with a much better message: "Ew, yer a druggie. Can't help ya. Bai bai." I can get behind that. I like the guitary riffs at the beginning. Kinda wish it was a little harder. I think I really would've loved this if it had been done by Orianthi. Alas.

7. The One That Got Away - Something about this one reminds of me of a sweet ice cream truck tune. Not like "Pop Goes the Weasel" and that tired old shit, but a cute, generic "ding ding ding" type ditty. And somehow Katy Perry appeared, climbed on top of the truck, and started singing about love lost. Then she handed me a bomb pop. Pretty freakin' cool.

8. E.T. (Futuristic Lover) & 9. Who Am I Living For? - I love these damn songs. The September 6th issue of People Magazine actually called them "dreary tunes" and "a rude awakening from all the fun." "The fun" for the reviewer being Perry crowing "your peacock, cock, cock/ your peacock, cock, cock." But hey, with a name like "Chuck" he's inevitably a dude and Katy Perry's cute and repeating the word "cock". Meh. Fine. "E.T." is probably my favorite track on here. It's hardly the wrist-cutter fare implied. Consider that, pages earlier in this same magazine, the series "Nikita" starring Maggie Q was given a full four stars even though it was clear from the review that the writer hadn't even seen it yet. Then, the next page over, the complete collection of the wall-banger known as LOST also got four stars. Yeah, it's publicity. You're not really meant to put a shred of faith into any of it. Moving on.

10. Pearl - This is a decent enough song but I don't think we should be winding down in the album at this point. See last paragraph. Nuff said.

11. Hummingbird Heartbeat - This sounds like a lost, toned-down Lady Gaga song. I can imagine Lady Weirdo's monotone going "hummingbird heartbeat, hummingbird heartbeat" to some Casio-beat crapped out by RedOne. Additionally, how can the "taste of your honey" be "so sweet" when bees make honey and have nothing to do with hummingbirds? I mean, she mentions bees once but then why even involve the hummingbirds? Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm reading too much into this.

12. Not Like The Movies - I either so moved I have no reaction or I'm so bored I'm paralyzed. Frankly, I can't decide how I feel about this song. It's definetely one of those "hey, this album's ending. Here's a real slow song for ya." Except I don't think it's all that good. I'd rather have this gone and "Pearl" here instead. Now that's a good album ender. That song's telling you "Hey, did you put this album on repeat because 'Pearl' is playing?" The song that ended up at the end says "Hey, I'm ending. Time to put something better in!"

"Teenage Dream" has some keeper songs and I've heard worse pop albums that this. Too bad it feels like two EPs were smushed together with a couple of reject tracks tacked on the end as filler. Replace a few tracks and slap better lyrics on a couple others and it could've been a five acorn album.

Four out of five acorns.

And..., so it doesn't go unsaid, showing that much skin on the album cover wasn't even necessary. It doesn't even look sexy as much as it looks smutty. "I gotta sells my album." That cheap, two-seconds-in-Photoshop-later smear over her ass doesn't really help any either.

"On Leather Wings" - 18 Yrs Later

2010-08-22T23:47:00.016-05:00

"On Leather Wings" was the pilot episode of Batman: The Animated Series although it was apparently the second one to be broadcast after the first part of "The Cat in the Claw". Don't ask me, I was twelve. It first aired in September of 1992.

I'm certain I watched it when it first came out and I don't remember what my thoughts were on it. I must have liked it because I saw every Batman episode up until the art changed in Season 4. [I'm remedying this as you read.] I remember hating the look of it but certainly not because of Bruce Wayne. Shit, they made him one smokin' gent:

Catwoman is still complete crap tho. What the shit, DC? She was damn hot and they turned her into a pointy black stick.

Anyway, Catwoman's not even in this ep so moving on. I watched the official DVD release, plesantly surprised to find English, French, and Spanish as audio options and subs. I mean, don't be so lazy, DC. This should be standard on all of your releases. What's with all the English only crap?

We open in Gotham, looking so much like the place people from Metropolis go to slit their wrists and end it all. I know it's dreary but didn't recall it being so bleak as this. It's definetely more grandiose. We see two old guys in the helicopter and one of them says he saw a giant bat or some shit.

Kid? You guys look the same age! Whatev. Meanwhile, some dude gets attacked by a bat-thing and tossed out a window. Harvey Bullock blames Batman because who else could it be? The Commish, the mayor, and Harvey Dent are also present and I realize for the first time that two of these dudes are both named Harvey. Who cares, where's Batman? When we finally get to Batman, I have to say that Alfred was full of sly little barbs here. I love Alfred. No wonder Batman wants to toss him.

Beats screwing small deer.

Batman arrives on the scene and--what's she reading?

"P.S. Your Dog is Gone"? Or is that "Done"? I love DVDs. Anyway, Batman knocks her out with gas which turns out for the best since that book was probably written by Nicholas Sparks. He goes in and sprays the room with red spray like in CSI and puts on his Cyclops eye-gear since that's more innocuous than that big ultra-violet sperm light.

He finds a tape recorder with raptor noises from Jurassic Park, proving that Gotham PD is utter shite considering it was right there under the desk. I mean, all a fat-assed cop had to do was bend over and look. Batman also finds a mysterious hair. Or maybe not so mysterious...

So Batman takes the stuff to the bat-people at the zoo. He can do that shit since he's rich and owns them and all. He meets three doctors: a cranky old man named Dr. March, his beautiful daughter Francine, and his limp-wristed son-in-law. No, really.

Batman, I mean Bruceman, ask them to do tests and get back to him. I really love how Batman changes his voice as Bruce Wayne. I wish this had been something they kept later in the series. It really set Batman and Bruce Wayne apart. He gets a call from Dr. March about the test results and he switches from gravely, me-so-serious, dark hero to "hyuck, hey there, doc". When WB/DC did the redesigns, they pretty much made Kevin Conroy do the same voice for Batman and Bruce. Don't get me wrong, it still sounds good but I prefered the duality of it all. Oh well.

Being the detect-a-tive that he is, Batman figures out in one second flat that they's a-lying. He all "Computer, analyze this shit". [Okay, so I paraphrase.] And the computer talks back. Yeeeeeeah. Not missing that part. Batman goes back to the bat-place because who doesn't like the zoo at night. He's there to call the old man out on his shit but then son-in-law pretty much confesses even though he really didn't freaking have to. Well, maybe he did because Batman would have to die at this point either way. He transforms and it is really creepy as hell.

I'm sure this had to give some kid somewhere in 1992 nightmares.

Fighting ensues and luckily for Bats, the cops see him wrestling with the bat monster in the air. I guess this is supposed to establish that he's innocent now but why wouldn't Bullock or some other skeptic not just assume Batman made the bat creature himself and was using it to terrorize Gotham? Batman got exonerated too damn easily. Yeah, yeah, it's a kid's show, but still.

So Batman ends up carting off with the defeated and MAJORLY CONCUSSED bat creature in the dead of night. He takes him back to the Bat Cave ~~to release him back into his natural habitat~~ to find a cure. He punches shit into his computer and whoomp, there it is. Tag Team back again. That's right, he managed to do in less than a minute what three bat scientists could not. Money really can buy him everything.

And after all of that trouble, what does he do?

"Here lady, you appear to have lost your husband. I cured him, yo."

Do we ever see Manbat guy again? Don't ask me, I was twelve.

Also, apparently the bat habitat at the Gotham Zoo was designed off of part of Angkor Wat. How effin' cool was that?

Dinner for Schmucks: a movie for dicks

2010-08-18T14:49:00.008-05:00

I won't be seeing Dinner for Schmucks. Ever. I've already seen the French Veber original, "Le dîner de cons", so yeah I'm biased.

I'm not completely adverse to movie remakes either. Really, I'm not. It's always interesting to see a new spin or take on something, especially something good. I think Veber's film was ripe for a remake. I realize changes must be made when something is redone, but I swear Hollywood has the annoying knack of changing the wrong goddamn thing.

1. Why the hell did we ever make it to the actual dinner? That's never what it was truly about. Is it just an excuse to parade out all of the freaks. No thanks. By throwing in all of these other idiots, doesn't film thereby make US a guest at the Dinner Game, laughing at these poor fools' expense and thus ruining the entire point?

2. Production Budget: $69 M. For a movie about rich guys who invite idiots to dinner? And actual people shelled out $69 million bucks to make this shit? Those people deserve to die.

3. A neat and tidy Hollywood ending. In fact, it seems they went and gave out as many happy endings as possible. The original ending was happy enough: Shit just kinda leveled out and the characters were left with a double-edged gift of personal insight. In Schmucks there's a marriage, a new relationship, and a host of other sappy stupid-ass shit. Then the appointed villain is labeled a "loser", which again missed the fucking point of the original. The fact is that the main guy in the French film gets screwed over so badly because HE DESERVED IT. That was the idea. He has everything, doesn't play fair, is a cheating, lying jerk who wants to humiliate an idiot. But the idiot he chose is the embodiment of divine karma. He's a good-hearted innocent who doesn't mean to do anything bad. He's just that goddamn stupid.

4. Crass, stupid American humor doesn't amuse this crass, stupid American. American comedies are more miss than hit for me. I've never laughed at Friends, the Office, and I maybe tittered once or twice at Seinfeld. I avoid any comedy film more recent than circa 1990. I saw two minutes of "There's Something About Mary" and knew I would not be enjoying American comedy again for years to come. I used to get some chuckles out of Family Guy but honestly that show now disgusts me. More so for being stale and trying to constantly push an envelope that has long since been torn in half, burned, and shat on, but I digress. To quote a review, "Dinner for Schmucks offers gags involving gonorrhea, the clitoris, pompous modern artists and public humiliation." EWWWWW, WTF? Additionally, making matchstick landmarks isn't edgy enough [never mind that it wasn't supposed to be!] so they make the idiot play with dead mice instead. This is what constitutes a joke these days, folks: STDs and dead animals. No thanks, keep it.

5. My God, the damn poster. Just scroll up look that that effin' thing. To exasperated Rudd's douchetastically palming his face--facepalm doesn't work when you LOOK AT THE CAMERA--to Steve Carell's smug, bug-eyed "I may or may not be a pedophile who just peed in your swimming pool" crazy-stare, this poster induces so much rage I want to poop in your mother's purse while she sits in church.

I'll take an old French comedy over this crap any day of the week and even some days that don't exist yet.

Cathy Ending, World Rejoices

2010-08-12T23:52:00.007-05:00

'Cathy' Comic Strip Comes to an End. AAACK!

OMG, YES. Yes, please let this end. If I see one more strip where she tries to fit her lard ass into a swimsuit or whines about chocolate, I'll draw pr0n of Irving totally wrecking Blondie and Miss Buxley out of sheer spite.

The Cathy strip is 34 years old. THIRTY. FOUR. At what point in time do you think the vision died? How do you do even 20 years of something like Cathy and keep it fresh? I remember when a bunch of the comics got trimmed down. At that point, I could go several Sundays not even reading the comics because I didn't care anymore. One day I had read all I felt like reading but, suddenly, I needed to take a big dump. That Irving had actually married Cathy shocked the poop outta me. Why do you buy the cow, Irving? The milk. It was free. Oh so free, insecure, and willing with the tiniest bit of flattery. Now you are chained to her forever. You fool, Irving. Meh. Maybe he was lonely and afraid to die alone. It's happened to better drawn men than Irving.

Someone on some other blog was--to paraphrase completely--all "Well, it had to end or it'd be like Family Circus, hyuck." Cathy at its worst could not compete with Family Circus. Family Circus is something else that needs to die. I believe that comic is immortal like the effin' Highlander. Not only will it never die, but it cuts off the heads of other comics and keeps itself alive. I think I might've seen it eyeing Hi & Lois. How many of these comics are older than the average newspaper readership? Not that I think they should all be put to pasture but, hey, just think about it.

One of Cathy Guisewite's excuses for ending Cathy was because she has "an 18-year old daughter who needs a full-time mom to help her through her last year of high school." BWUH? That's an adult. She didn't need a full-time mom back when she was A CHILD? Whatev. Guisewite also said that "other personal deadlines started becoming more pressing for me than the newspaper ones" which sounds like Super BS. But, you know what? No one needs any excuse to end Cathy. THIRTY. FOUR. Did I say that already? For every year I have breathed air, there has been Cathy sucking that air away. "TAKING YOUR AIR! OH NO, CARBS! AAAACK!"

And no "Cathy Classic". We have enough of that Peanuts shit as it is. You know what? If you die and didn't draw any new strips, the damn spot should be given to an alive cartoonist. There are other cartoonists. And many of them are alive. And they would LOVE to be published. Just sayin'. I mean, the paper's thin enough as it is. The recession really put the thing on a diet. Advice columnists were cut. Also, other people were cut. Or, like, whatever. You want Schulz so bad, go buy you-self some o' dem Peanuts. Cracker. Wait, this was supposed to be about Cathy. Whatever. Cracker.

DCUAOM: A Quick Rating

2010-08-11T23:56:00.008-05:00

Quickie reviews of The DC Universe Animated Original Movies. Here's how dey stack up in mah tree, yo. To note, I haven't read anything these are based on. My familiarity with the DC Universe is strictly through animation. So I rate as a casual fan:

Batman: Under the Red Hood:

A shame this wasn't released theatrically with the Jonah Hex short. Really liked it. Blows lots of live-action movies straight outta the water. And the Jonah Hex short that comes as a bonus was tiz-zight.

Green Lantern: First Flight:

This was cool! I've never even been into the Lanterns. It had the best flow besides Red Hood and really felt like a true movie as opposed to the episodic feel of some of the other releases. This isn't something I'm dying to own or rewatch since Lanterns don't exactly butter the old bread but, hey, it earned all five of those acorns.

Superman/Batman: Public Enemies: ½

Felt too short. And unlike Green Lantern, it had the "three episodes pasted together" feel of The Batman/Superman Movie (a.k.a. World's Finest Parts 1-3). [And I love The Batman/Superman Movie but that has an excuse to feel pasted together and this doesn't.] Awesome to have Kevin Conroy, Tim Daly, and Clancy Brown in another adventure.

Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths:

The first half was five acorns, then that batshit-crazy owl started on about Earth Prime and I clucked and laid an egg. Conroy-Batman is the man and Greenwood-Batman has grown on me but this one's Batman was kinda iffy. Superwoman stole every scene she was in. Loved the Flash, Good Luthor, dug Crazy Owl's ride becoming Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet. I found out after the fact that this was originally supposed to bridge "Justice League" and "Justice League Unlimited". It shows.

Batman: Gotham Knight: ½

Much like the Animatrix, each segment felt kinda hit or miss for me. Considering it was all one connected chronological story, I didn't see the point of having different people doing different segments. Felt like the entire thing had ADHD. I think that kind of stuff works better when it's different tales. "Field Test" Batman sure was easy on the eyes though.

Wonder Woman: ½

I really wanted to like this more. I didn't think it was bad. It just didn't seem very good. Why does she need to have a forced love interest when almost no one else does? BECAUSE ALL WOMEN NEED A MAN, HAR HAR. Huh?

Justice League: New Frontier:

I actually found myself bored. I liked the concept and all, but wasn't into it. Sisto-Batman was the worse one I've ever heard. Worse than Laryngitis Bale-Batman. It's like someone shoved rocks down his throat, kicked him in the balls, and said "Now be Batman!"

Superman: Doomsday: N/A

Haven't seen it yet, oops. Actually, I find I'm not all that interested to. Should I be? Maybe I'll edit this if I ever do.

Whatever happened to...

2010-08-10T23:53:00.005-05:00

Hot Diet Coke Break Guy (1994)

Lucky Vanous the Diet Coke Guy is still hot if Google Images is to be believed. Duder's pushing fifty now but apparently CNN had this same question eight years ago. IMDB claims he opened a restaurant/bar called Lucky Devils in 2006. Sure enough, here's a City Search link where it has a hella good rating. Here's their website: Lucky Devils. Check the "About Us" page to see Lucky today. I never knew he was an Army Ranger. Hoo-ya.

Pepsi Girl (1998)

Remember that annoying Pepsi girl that talked in those celeb's voices and crashed movie screens across the country? Hallie Kate Eisenberg just turned 18 for you pervs that care. According to her Wikipedia page, she's spent her time heavily involved in groups with acronyms for names. She's due to come out in a film by her brother called

"Holy Rollers". Short article about her and that film here. She's not to be confused with the star of "Curly Sue", a.k.a. 29 year-old Alisan Porter, who came out in "The Ten Commandments: The Musical" starring Val Kilmer as Moses. *snort*

Kindergarten Cop Vagina Boy (1990)

a.k.a. Joseph played by Miko Hughes. Now 24, he has some really nice credits on his post Kindergarten resume including "Apollo 13", "Spawn", "Life With Louie" (hells, yeah) and five years on Full House. Like most of us, he apparently has a dead blog. Seems like a pretty cool guy. His next film is called "City of Shoulders and Noses". It has the tagline: "A Close Encounter....with Italians." I'm not certain if that bodes well or not.

"Days Go By" Dancing-In-Car Girl (2002)

From this commerical for the 03 Mitsubishi Eclipse:

Hilariously parodied by Dave Chappelle:

Car Commercial - watch more funny videos

Dusty Paik. From what I understand, she's a model and tribal fusion belly dancer but I can't find much more about her. Here's a vid from 2009: Dusty Paik at Oakland Metro Opera House.

By the way, the song she was dancing to in the commerical was "Days Go By" by Dirty Vegas found on their eponymous album. I also like "Lost Not Found" on the same album and "Candles". Sweet.

Chick with the Three Tits from Total Recall (1990)

That would be 47-year-old Lycia Naff, who also played Dixie the prostitute in the first Lethal Weapon. (The one whose house explodes in front of the kids as Riggs and Murtagh approach it. This also answers a future query: What happened to Prostitute Whose House Got Blowed Up?) Her last credit on IMDB is an episode of the now-canceled "Ghost Whisperer". Her acting credits are sporadic and it seems she focused on journalism. According to IMDB, she worked for the Miami Herald, the National Enquirer and People Magazine. Her wikipedia page claims she does news producing for E! Network and Extra TV.

Also, her character name's in Total Recall was "Mary". I can see how this might have been easy to miss.

The Crying Game Transsexual (1992)

This is Jaye Davidson, who was Oscar-nominated for his role as Dil in The Crying Game and also played Ra in the Stargate movie with Kurt Russell. Jaye, 42, currently works in the fashion industry which Wikipedia & IMDB state was his vocation before being The Crying Game. He has a 2009 credit as Nazi Photographer in something called "The Borghilde Project", described as "A black comedy short that examines the creation of the first Nazi Sex Doll set in the 1940s." It has a ~~dismal~~ whopping 1.5 out of 10 stars on IMDB. When asked a Jaye question, fellow Stargate actor Erick Avari said in an interview last year:

I don't want to talk about Jaye. I think there were other issues that went into his seclusion besides acting issues. I think he was having some personal problems that got in the way of him pursuing this business any further. I think it's a shame. He had enormous talent and great potential. I think he chose to not pursue the business. I am not sure what happened with him. He came in on the very tail end of this shoot. He had not gone through all of the Yuma, Arizona shooting experience, which to me was a real bonding experience for the cast and the crew. [....] He was a little bit aloof. And I will leave it at that.

Cough Syrup Kid from the Sixth Sense (1990)

Tommy Tammisimo was played by now 23-year-old Trevor Morgan, who appears to have a legion of followers at 404 page on Tripod. According to IMDB, he still acts. He latest film credit on that page as of this post is the title role The Diary of Preston Plummer. Judging by the picture on that page, he is now a hippy.

Sticks and Stones

2010-08-09T21:59:00.005-05:00

This post was originally made on my MySpace on April 8, 2007:

I was reading "Dear Abby" today. Yes, I read that withering old bat "Dear Abby". Whenever I get my hands on a newspaper, advice columns are the first place I go. I'm well aware that I'm the worst kind of news reader. I just dump everything and go for the advice columns, only going through the rest when I'm just that bored. This one was from this past Tuesday. It was about people writing in to comment on use of the word "retarded". You can find it here. Anyway, it annoyed the crap outta me. Yes, yes, I realize this makes me a horrid person but for crying out loud, these people want to whine about the usage of a word. I would've thought this would've been more up the napkin-up-the-ass, fork-on-the-right-sideness avenue of Miss Manners but whatever, right?

Firstly, this pink blogness is not about the people addressing its usage as a "derogatory insult" towards their mentally retarded loved ones. This is about the complaints and subsequent bitching-ware party about people calling other people and things "retarded" as an insult. I mean, that one lady writing in that people would "stare and talk" about her and her sister? What kind of ass do you have to be to go around whispering behind people's backs like they can't hear you? I think it goes without saying that sort of thing is deplorable. I don't call a mentally retarded person "mentally retarded" under the so-called "unabusive" manner, whatever the hell that's suppose to be mean. (Because I get the distinct feeling it means about hundred different things depending on who you're talking to, so it's just better not to use it.) Speaking from a completely unassociated and bystander point-of-view, why would you call any "mentally retarded" person "retarded"? I don't care if that's what they actually are or whatever, it's totally rude.

But these people are just nitpicking. I mean, check this one person out: "I am the sister of a mentally retarded individual, and my heart breaks every day when I see her struggle, her triumphs and her innocence." What the hell does that have to do with one person calling a thing or another person "retarded"? "Surely those teens and adults who use the term 'retarded' in an abusive manner are not personally acquainted with an individual who is truly retarded." No kidding they aren't. Everyone knows people only care when it happens to them. I think you should build a giant retardo ray and teach them all a lesson.

"I am the parent of a daughter with developmental disabilities, and it is painful when I hear a friend or colleague use the term as an insult"? WTF? Did it ever occur to you that "retarded" is not your word exclusively? Why do I have a feeling that this person doesn't tell their friend or colleague to knock it off? Seriously, you're allowed to do that. What kind of friends are these if you can't tell them to shut-up about the "retarded" business? As for the colleagues, there's a reason HR is there. Not everyone finds it as offensive as you do and when this happens, you need to let people know that you're not one of them.

Or from the Feb. 11th column they were responding to: "I am a special education teacher who works with people who have mental retardation. Everywhere I go, I hear teenagers and young adults calling each other 'retarded.'" You gotta be kidding. I would K-I-L-L to be able to go somewhere and have teenagers and young adults calling each other "retarded" because at least it would be one less use of the f- and s-words they're so fond of instead.

Bottom Line: If you're taking someone else's conversation as insult or personal pain when it has nothing whatsoever to do with you or is in direct context to your situation, I think you have some issues to address.

I use plenty of words and "retarded" is one of 'em. I call tests retarded. I call policies retarded. I call my sister retarded. I call my cats retarded. I call half the things on tv retarded. I call those dancing penguins retarded. And how do I sleep at night? Because this has nothing, nothing whatsoever to do with any actual people that could qualify for the medical usage of the word. It has nothing to do with their personal pain or struggles or whatever's going on in the lives of people I do not know and thusly have no emotional investment in.

The word's long been adopted into the lexicon of slang, it's in the dictionary as such. It conveys a meaning "that's stupid" just can not manage. Just where do they think words like "lame" and "moron" came from anyway? Wasn't "dumb" used for mute people? Go look it up. Etymology is a grand thing. Thousands of words have left their intended meanings behind. By their convoluted logic, just because you're not gonna meet Teddy Roosevelt is no reason to use the word "lame". That's stupid. This idea that people can have ownership of words is, well, I won't even say it.

30 Semi-Random Things About Me

2010-08-08T19:15:00.010-05:00

Today's my 30th birthday and I figured I would do a list of 30 semi-random things about myself. I went to a random word generator and asked it for obscure and uncommon nouns, some of which I changed because they were retarded. I then used the nouns as my cues and wrote about what popped up in my head.

1. Moundsman - I hated getting breasts and Aunt Red. What was your effin' problemo, Margaret?

2. Encolure - I like short hair but it doesn't look good on me.

3. Pseudocosta - Last time I went to the coast, there were dead jelly fish everywhere. Gross.

4. Intemerateness - Remember Sully from Commando, played by the David Patrick Kelly who also came out in The Warriors? Hilarious, right? And remember Sully from Monsters, Inc.? Yeah, I don't either.

5. Acrostichum - I like plants but I have one window with a teeny ledge and a very dark room I keep cold. I can't really keep one, not even with a cactus.

6. Underchancellor - The higher up in student government, the bigger the asshole, it seems.

7. Orycteropus - Arthur doesn't even look like an aardvark. Did anyone else think he was some sort of bear?

8. Potability - I'm like that little girl in Signs except I have bottled water all over my shelves instead of glasses.

9. Caenolestidae - I love Australian accents on dudes but not a chicks. Sowwy, mate.

10. Muharram - Sometimes I think my sister's cat is praying to Mecca.

11. Malas - Yes, I will take a paper or magazine in the bathroom with me. What of it? Beats reading the backs of shampoo bottles.

12. Cordarone - Don't like to take even cold medicine, I would rather ride it out.

13. Ching - Love white rice, but am trying to cut it out for red, brown, and wild. Trying.

14. Switchover - I sleep with a lamp on. Pitch dark is scary.

15. Oarswoman - Can't really swim, can't really float.

16. Factoid - My feet look like flippers. (But I'll still sink in the pool.)

17. Reeducation - Took a lot of useless, fun classes in college: Four of Japanese, Two of British Literature, a weather class, and two for Tai Chi.

18. Tau - I really wanted to like Greek yoghurt, really I did. It was nasty.

19. Kishar - My closet is orange and very organized.

20. Functionalism - High heels are sexy, but they hurt so I don't wear them.

21. Telly - Got rid of satellite tv, been fine without it or cable.

22. Corticosteroid - I hiss at the sun. Too bright, too hot.

23. Cementer - I like to throw myself on my back on top of a hot sidewalk.

24. Tori - Grapefruit is my favorite scent. That and coconut.

25. Vacuole - I was an adult when I got my first cavities.

26. Litotes - I like striped and argyle knee socks. Yeah, I'm not exactly the most fashionable person.

27. Terpsichorean - I took tap dance as a kid for, like, three seconds.

28. Sonatina - Wish I could play the piano but I do have sufficient fun banging on the keys.

29. Traducer - I got sick of Family Guy years ago.

30. Saree - Scarves are cool. I love them.

BONUS: Last year, I had a lemon-flavored b-day cake in the shape of an adorable fish. This year, I had a delicious spice-cake in the shape of... a cake. Boo-ya.

Movie Review: Inception

2010-08-07T00:55:00.002-05:00

As you noticed, most of my reviews are just gonna be me spoiling and bitching. Meh. Onwards:

The film opens with ~~Cobb~~ Corncob, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, best known to teh ladies for dying in Titantic over ten years ago. He washes up on a beach not-dead. Some Japanese dudes find him and take him to a pagoda-desu. There's an old man--Ken Watanabe strangely channeling Tony Goldwyn's clone from The Sixth Day--who's all "blah blah blah" but who cares. He then sees a little metal top-thingy and is all O-M-G. Then we leave this scene til nearly the end of the film, making me wonder why the eff it was in the beginning in the first place because all it accomplishes is SPOILING A LATER PART OF THE FILM. ....DESU!

We flashblack to Corncob and a young Ken at a par-tay in the same pagoda-majigger. Corncob is selling Ken on getting into teh dreamz to take teh secretz. Corncob sees a woman there: it's the chick who played Edith Piaf. She helps sabotage his efforts. We then get into this elaborate, "just kiddin', imma here to steal y'all's secrets" from Corncob, who tries to pull a fast one on Kenny. And Kenny's all "i knew dat, sucka". It turns out the entire thing was Kenny's dream... inside of one of Corncob's pal's dreams. Ppl wake up. We're on a train. Hoo-ya. Corncob looks like he got away with it: "it" being the theft of nothing and the accomplishment of getting caught by his own mark. He tries to run to Brazil perhaps so he set up an early lawn chair for the Olympics. Kenny catches everybody. He's all "it was an audition. I got a job for j00. Do eet and you can see your kids again because for some reason you can't." It never occurs to Kenny that maybe he should do this himself since he caught 'em all like so much Pokemon with relative ease. He wants Corncob to insert an idea into some goober's head so he can make some moneyz. Inception is the insertion of an idea. [Nolan picked from his Bat Hat again and casted the Scarecrow as the target.] Kenny then hauls away Corncob's Architect. Maybe Kenny hated "Lady in White".

Corncob assembles his team for his vewwwwy important mission. The movie posters and stuff give them cool names and shit like fucking X-Men but the names really don't mean a goddamn thing. Corncob's team includes:

- Tommy Solomon from Third Rock is the Point Man or whatever. He points, I guess.

- Praetor Shinzon is Eames, teh Forger with the magic skill of shapeshifting in dreams. "Wow, he's gonna use this all the time. It's gonna be wild." Nope, twice. Boo-ya.

- Max Patel from Avatar is teh Chemist. They need his special concoctions to get into teh super dreamz.
Corncob: Chemist, you need to enter the dream with us.
Chemist: Hells, no.
Corncob: You have to! We need special chemist things to be made now y'all.
Chemist: Oh, okay.
Me: Oh, this is gonna be cool. He's gonna have to make things on the fly.
Chemist then spends the majority of the movie DRIVING A VAN.
...down by the river! I'M NOT KIDDING. I SHIT YOU NOT.

Corncob also needs a new Archy-tect. He goes to France--where strangely there seems to be a short supply of French people--and to his father-in-law Prof. Michael Caine.

Corncob: Michael Caine, I brung toys for mah keedz in dis here bag. Also, I need an Architect nao plox.
Michael Caine: Ho ho, I have the best. Even better than you. Cause you are the best. Never mind that you appear to be the only and are thus the best by default. (shows Corncob to Juno)
[insert my eye roll because "young, white, attractive, token chick on old guy team" was so damn predictable]
Corncob: Why, it's a young unpregnant girl with no experience in what we're doing and who has no idea what we're up to. Perfect.

Her name in the movie is Ariadne. Cause she makes mazes. Get it? Ariadne? From the Minotaur legend, ho ho ho. Is there nothing the combined powers of Nolan and Wikipedia can't accomplish? Corncob tests her by having her draw a maze on a piece of paper. She fails twice before she gets it right. Corncob apparently lost his receipt when he bought her from Prof. Michael Caine and can't return her because she still makes the team. They do test runs in his dreams where Corncob does a Morpheus and explains the dream state crap to her: Change too many things, NPCs will turn on you. If you die in the dream, you wake up. Past go, collect $200 dollars, and buy your little metal shoe a little metal hooker.

Ellen Page gets sentences out more coherently than Keanu Reeves. Whoa. The city folds as you've no doubt seen on the posters and we're all very impressed. She does a bunch of crap with making random things appear and does some mirror trick.
ME: "Oh wow, this is so cool. I wonder how they're gonna use this later--" [THEY DON'T.]

The subject of a token comes up. Corncob's token is the little spinner thing from earlier in teh movie. He tells the chick to make a token. She nicks a piece from her mom's chess set. Her and Mr. Third Rock compare tokens. Surely their tokens are important later. [THEY AREN'T.]

After convening in their study group, they decide on how to plant the idea in Scarecrow's head and somehow deem they'll need to go into a dream, within a dream, within another dream to do it. They explained this somehow but it sounded like a load of crap. They plan to wake up in each dream in a dream with "kicks", which is something causing their bodies to fall and wake them the eff up.

We find out Corncob is traumatized due to the death of his wife and his wife and kids appear in his dreams, which is why he can't build dream environments no mores. Apparently, he killed her. Okay. I'll go with that. Then we find that he keeps forcing himself to dream to be with her in his memories. Nosy-ass Juno invades and discovers this secret. It endangers the whole team but they share it with no one. Way to go.

So we hop in Scarecrow's dream and shit immediately hits the fan. "They're militarized." Apparently, the NPC that are in our dreams will turn on people who invade the dreamer's dream... or something. Usually they aren't so powerful, but these ones are decked to the nines y'all and this is highly unusual. IT IS NEVER EXPLAINED WHY SCARECROW HAS "MILITARIZED" PEEPS IN HIS MIND. Y, BRO? Third Rock apparently failed in his research, which probably involved passing the guy's name through Google a couple of times.

Kenny gets shot in the skirmish. He proceeds to take Trinity X 5 time to freakin' die. It's just how time works, bro. Ppl are like "omg, let's shoot him so he can wake up" and Corncob is all "No! He's too heavily sedated" and introduces the "what the eff, y'all" ~~ass-pull~~ concept of limbo. If you're too doped up or miss your escape from the dream world, you end up in limbo where your brains may turn to mush. EXCEPT WE FIND OUT... it seem THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE. Unless they're all mush at the end, which is retarded.

With Chemist driving a van per his job description, the others enter another dream. At this point, the movie's too good to make fun of and tricked me into thinking we're actually getting somewhere.

Scarecrow is killed by Corncob's projection of Mrs. Corncob in the Snow Level. Corncob and Girl Architect decide to venture into spooky-arse limbo to get him back. They enter that neat world of crumbling buildings and old houses. What mysteries do they hold? Nothing, jerks. We just look at them. RLY. Corncob and Mrs. Corncob made them in 50 years of dream boredom. We go to Corncob's house and Nolan saves money constructing a new set.

Meanwhile. Kenny finally dies. Those bastards. Scarecrow is successfully tricked into thinking Daddy loved him in the Snow Level. He plays with a giant pinwheel and sucks his thumb. Solid Snake misses his cameo.

Corncob admits that he knew the rare task of inception would work cause he did it on his wife. OMG that's how she died. And she was so mentally sick she framed him for her death so he can't see his KEEDZ. The idea that maybe he could've jumped back in and attempted to reverse it was never brought up. The idea that maybe evidence, such as witnesses at the hotels where the wife died and such, could clear him is never brought up. It also appears that he did inception accidentally (as he never intended her to keep the idea later), so it was pretty arrogant to think he could easily duplicate it in Scarecrow.

At the end of the movie, everything is tied up with neat little bow. Corncob sees his keedz faces and Mrs. Corncob's dumb spinner thing keeps on spinning. Roll credits. Gnash teeth. Was it all a dream? And even if it was, so what? Seriously. SO. THE. FUCK. WHAT. What a piss-ending. Isn't the horror movie style "...or was it" ending overdone already?

Why are so many fanboys and -girls splooging over this? The common counter is that anyone who doesn't like this can't appreciate an intelligent movie. What's so "intelligent" about not answering your own questions? Are these the same people that appreciated the intelligence of LOST, the biggest let-down rip-off that ever ripped an off? Anyone actually satisfied to find them in freakin' purgatory is an asshat.

Inception is pretty to look at. There's worse ways to pass the time. The acting isn't horrible. It's good products that add up to wasted potential. They used the finest silks and the goldest golds to make a very lovely toilet brush. It's a five acorn movie with a two acorn ending. I'm splitting the difference. Deal with it.

Three and 1/2 acorns. ½

Book Review: Untouched Until Marriage

2010-08-06T21:34:00.004-05:00

Yes, my latest bad habit: reading Harlequin romance books, better known across the ocean as Mills & Boon. Granted, I won't knock the entire line. Now and again there are a few titles I actually enjoy, but that's a post for another day. Let's be frank. There's a perfectly good reason these books have the reputation they do. You have to sift through a lot of poo to find, uh, a poo-diamond.

"Untouched Until Marriage" is at least the second book I've read by Chantelle Shaw. Far from the worst Harlequin I've ever read, I could see someone else enjoying this... somehow. Maybe. Frankly, it's very straight-forward relying on the old Harlequin/Mills & Boon formula: lily-white, young virgin meets older, cynical, rich foreign man. Read one and you've read most. Judging from this and the other book of her's I've read, it does seem Ms. Shaw attempts to add her own little twists to the formula. The other book, "The Greek Boss's Bride", had the rarity of an infertile heroine and the couple ultimately adopting--which I loved--but really seemed to drag and not be enjoyable to read though. This book, like that one, has a unique premise. Beyond that it falls into the trap of Harlequin plot same-old same-olds, but I guess that was the point.

"Untouched Until Marriage" focuses on 22-year-old, red-headed, hippy-virgin and painter Elizabeth Maynard a.k.a. Libby. Libby's troubles stem from her now-deceased, hippy lap-dancer mother, also Elizabeth Maynard a.k.a. Liz. Liz decided it would be a great idea to use inheritance from grandma to open a health food store in the middle of nowhere. Go Mom. Then she managed to win a cruise vacation which inexplicably seemed to be for one but whatever. There she met mega-rich, much older Italian Pietro Carducci and got knocked up. Ew, Old People sex. Liz hears nothing further from Pierto once the cruise is over and dies later, saddling Libby with her baby half-brother Gino and the damn store which is of course failing. Enter Raul.

Raul is the tall, irate, and olive-skinned 36-year-old adopted son of Pietro who apparently has "hair as sleek and dark as a raven's wing", leading me to conclude he is using a dead bird as a toupee. Nevermore. He immediately wants to rail Libby all of six pages into the book. Paranoid about losing a baby she was never given legal right to (because hippies always ignore the law), Libby--with the same legal name after all--has been passing herself off as Liz so she can keep Gino. Thus, she lets Raul believe she is Liz. Visions of Libby lap-dancing and getting boned by Daddy Deadbucks run rampant in Raul's head and he's so digusted he doesn't nurse his hard-on for Libby again until page fifteen.

Bitchy Raul informs Libby that she's "hit the jackpot": Pietro is dead and provided for Gino and Liz in his will. Pietro, in true #1 Dad fashion, let Raul find out in the WILL about Gino. Pietro's company will be split in half between Raul and Gino, with that latter's shares managed by Liz because goodness knows Pietro deemed by a quick cruise lay that a reckless, dancing hippy was just what his ailing company needed. Go Pietro. Note that although Raul bitterly identifies Libby as his father's "mistress", Pietro's wife has been dead for TEN YEARS. Sheesh, Raul, even boneheaded 65-year-old codgers need a little fun. Chillax, dude.

Raul insists Libby and Gino must go to Italy with him because that's where Italians live. And also, our boy Raul want control of those shares and some of Papa's sloppy seconds. After some boring pages of evoking sympathy from each other, Raul decides he simply must raise Gino as his own son and marry Libby to give Gino a stable childhood. Kinda weird, bro, but whatev. [We also learn Raul has been burned by a prior marriage to his then PA Dana and I half-expected that relationship to be its own Harlequin because, really, you find the PA x Rich Boss plotline in about a third of them anyway.] Meanwhile, Libby's all "Can I marry a man who doesn't love me?" and I'm thinking "It's page 69, girlfriend. If you love him already, why don't you at least tell him you're not Liz and rely on the better nature you know is there within him to share Gino with you?" Because that would be too reasonable, Libby persists with her lie and caves in the next chapter.

This set-up allows Raul to predictably "Harlequin Hero Post-Coital Rage"™ at Libby when he tears through her hymen on their wedding night. Well, actually he pumps "his seed into her in a spectacular release that racked his body with exquisite aftershocks of pleasure". Then he raged. You'd think Raul would be overjoyed to find the woman he wanted never had old man sex with his old man, but he's too busy being preoccupied with the fact that he could've had the shares and the kid without any marriage. He even says crap like "you were presented with the opportunity to marry a billionaire and you seized it." Dude, isn't that what prenups are for? Never mind the marriage was HIS idea. HIS idea to take control of Gino's shares. Maybe those "exquisite aftershocks" rattled his brain loose from the stem. Even more so when you consider that even though this is an interesting dilemma, Raul changes his mind five pages later. Bi-polar much?

We also meet Aunt Carmina who interestingly was in love with Pietro herself. As if suddenly becoming mindful of the Mill & Boon page limit, this story like the above conflict is never expanded upon like it could've been and Carmina doesn't do much of anything in the book besides be a bitch. She brings up to a now complacent Libby that Raul only married Libby to control Gino's shares. Libby freaks, it never occurring to her that this ceases to make any freakin' sense because Liz is dead and Libby never had any legal claim to jack-squat. If Raul stayed married to her, it was obviously because he wanted to remain that way. However, obvious reason is not obvious. Who cares anyway because it OCCURS AND IS RESOLVED IN TEN PAGES. See a pattern here? When we discover Raul gave the shares back to her two weeks into the marriage because he's a lovesick idiot, you will headdesk with me.

If that's not enough, we get an epilogue that basically serves as a tacky bow on the entire thing. Libby is such a gifted artist and a beautiful, eccentric hippy. All the men want her. Raul is possessive cause he LUVS her. Libby and Raul have multiplied and are so damn happy. WHO. FREAKING. CARES.

This thing is just dull. Other authors have made entire books over the situations that get brought up and resolved within the same chapter in this one. Because some of the plot points are resolved so quickly, it just makes the characters seem flighty. "I'll divorce you. Wait, never mind." "You married me for the shares. Oh, you gave 'em back? Cool."

Two acorns out of five.