Saturday, August 7, 2010

Movie Review: Inception

As you noticed, most of my reviews are just gonna be me spoiling and bitching. Meh. Onwards:

The film opens with Cobb Corncob, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, best known to teh ladies for dying in Titantic over ten years ago. He washes up on a beach not-dead. Some Japanese dudes find him and take him to a pagoda-desu. There's an old man--Ken Watanabe strangely channeling Tony Goldwyn's clone from The Sixth Day--who's all "blah blah blah" but who cares. He then sees a little metal top-thingy and is all O-M-G. Then we leave this scene til nearly the end of the film, making me wonder why the eff it was in the beginning in the first place because all it accomplishes is SPOILING A LATER PART OF THE FILM. ....DESU!

We flashblack to Corncob and a young Ken at a par-tay in the same pagoda-majigger. Corncob is selling Ken on getting into teh dreamz to take teh secretz. Corncob sees a woman there: it's the chick who played Edith Piaf. She helps sabotage his efforts. We then get into this elaborate, "just kiddin', imma here to steal y'all's secrets" from Corncob, who tries to pull a fast one on Kenny. And Kenny's all "i knew dat, sucka". It turns out the entire thing was Kenny's dream... inside of one of Corncob's pal's dreams. Ppl wake up. We're on a train. Hoo-ya. Corncob looks like he got away with it: "it" being the theft of nothing and the accomplishment of getting caught by his own mark. He tries to run to Brazil perhaps so he set up an early lawn chair for the Olympics. Kenny catches everybody. He's all "it was an audition. I got a job for j00. Do eet and you can see your kids again because for some reason you can't." It never occurs to Kenny that maybe he should do this himself since he caught 'em all like so much Pokemon with relative ease. He wants Corncob to insert an idea into some goober's head so he can make some moneyz. Inception is the insertion of an idea. [Nolan picked from his Bat Hat again and casted the Scarecrow as the target.] Kenny then hauls away Corncob's Architect. Maybe Kenny hated "Lady in White".

Corncob assembles his team for his vewwwwy important mission. The movie posters and stuff give them cool names and shit like fucking X-Men but the names really don't mean a goddamn thing. Corncob's team includes:

- Tommy Solomon from Third Rock is the Point Man or whatever. He points, I guess.

- Praetor Shinzon is Eames, teh Forger with the magic skill of shapeshifting in dreams. "Wow, he's gonna use this all the time. It's gonna be wild." Nope, twice. Boo-ya.

- Max Patel from Avatar is teh Chemist. They need his special concoctions to get into teh super dreamz.
Corncob: Chemist, you need to enter the dream with us.
Chemist: Hells, no.
Corncob: You have to! We need special chemist things to be made now y'all.
Chemist: Oh, okay.
Me: Oh, this is gonna be cool. He's gonna have to make things on the fly.
Chemist then spends the majority of the movie DRIVING A VAN.
...down by the river! I'M NOT KIDDING. I SHIT YOU NOT.

Corncob also needs a new Archy-tect. He goes to France--where strangely there seems to be a short supply of French people--and to his father-in-law Prof. Michael Caine.

Corncob: Michael Caine, I brung toys for mah keedz in dis here bag. Also, I need an Architect nao plox.
Michael Caine: Ho ho, I have the best. Even better than you. Cause you are the best. Never mind that you appear to be the only and are thus the best by default. (shows Corncob to Juno)
[insert my eye roll because "young, white, attractive, token chick on old guy team" was so damn predictable]
Corncob: Why, it's a young unpregnant girl with no experience in what we're doing and who has no idea what we're up to. Perfect.

Her name in the movie is Ariadne. Cause she makes mazes. Get it? Ariadne? From the Minotaur legend, ho ho ho. Is there nothing the combined powers of Nolan and Wikipedia can't accomplish? Corncob tests her by having her draw a maze on a piece of paper. She fails twice before she gets it right. Corncob apparently lost his receipt when he bought her from Prof. Michael Caine and can't return her because she still makes the team. They do test runs in his dreams where Corncob does a Morpheus and explains the dream state crap to her: Change too many things, NPCs will turn on you. If you die in the dream, you wake up. Past go, collect $200 dollars, and buy your little metal shoe a little metal hooker.

Ellen Page gets sentences out more coherently than Keanu Reeves. Whoa. The city folds as you've no doubt seen on the posters and we're all very impressed. She does a bunch of crap with making random things appear and does some mirror trick.
ME: "Oh wow, this is so cool. I wonder how they're gonna use this later--" [THEY DON'T.]

The subject of a token comes up. Corncob's token is the little spinner thing from earlier in teh movie. He tells the chick to make a token. She nicks a piece from her mom's chess set. Her and Mr. Third Rock compare tokens. Surely their tokens are important later. [THEY AREN'T.]

After convening in their study group, they decide on how to plant the idea in Scarecrow's head and somehow deem they'll need to go into a dream, within a dream, within another dream to do it. They explained this somehow but it sounded like a load of crap. They plan to wake up in each dream in a dream with "kicks", which is something causing their bodies to fall and wake them the eff up.

We find out Corncob is traumatized due to the death of his wife and his wife and kids appear in his dreams, which is why he can't build dream environments no mores. Apparently, he killed her. Okay. I'll go with that. Then we find that he keeps forcing himself to dream to be with her in his memories. Nosy-ass Juno invades and discovers this secret. It endangers the whole team but they share it with no one. Way to go.

So we hop in Scarecrow's dream and shit immediately hits the fan. "They're militarized." Apparently, the NPC that are in our dreams will turn on people who invade the dreamer's dream... or something. Usually they aren't so powerful, but these ones are decked to the nines y'all and this is highly unusual. IT IS NEVER EXPLAINED WHY SCARECROW HAS "MILITARIZED" PEEPS IN HIS MIND. Y, BRO? Third Rock apparently failed in his research, which probably involved passing the guy's name through Google a couple of times.

Kenny gets shot in the skirmish. He proceeds to take Trinity X 5 time to freakin' die. It's just how time works, bro. Ppl are like "omg, let's shoot him so he can wake up" and Corncob is all "No! He's too heavily sedated" and introduces the "what the eff, y'all" ass-pull concept of limbo. If you're too doped up or miss your escape from the dream world, you end up in limbo where your brains may turn to mush. EXCEPT WE FIND OUT... it seem THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED TO ANYONE. Unless they're all mush at the end, which is retarded.

With Chemist driving a van per his job description, the others enter another dream. At this point, the movie's too good to make fun of and tricked me into thinking we're actually getting somewhere.

Scarecrow is killed by Corncob's projection of Mrs. Corncob in the Snow Level. Corncob and Girl Architect decide to venture into spooky-arse limbo to get him back. They enter that neat world of crumbling buildings and old houses. What mysteries do they hold? Nothing, jerks. We just look at them. RLY. Corncob and Mrs. Corncob made them in 50 years of dream boredom. We go to Corncob's house and Nolan saves money constructing a new set.

Meanwhile. Kenny finally dies. Those bastards. Scarecrow is successfully tricked into thinking Daddy loved him in the Snow Level. He plays with a giant pinwheel and sucks his thumb. Solid Snake misses his cameo.

Corncob admits that he knew the rare task of inception would work cause he did it on his wife. OMG that's how she died. And she was so mentally sick she framed him for her death so he can't see his KEEDZ. The idea that maybe he could've jumped back in and attempted to reverse it was never brought up. The idea that maybe evidence, such as witnesses at the hotels where the wife died and such, could clear him is never brought up. It also appears that he did inception accidentally (as he never intended her to keep the idea later), so it was pretty arrogant to think he could easily duplicate it in Scarecrow.

At the end of the movie, everything is tied up with neat little bow. Corncob sees his keedz faces and Mrs. Corncob's dumb spinner thing keeps on spinning. Roll credits. Gnash teeth. Was it all a dream? And even if it was, so what? Seriously. SO. THE. FUCK. WHAT. What a piss-ending. Isn't the horror movie style "...or was it" ending overdone already?

Why are so many fanboys and -girls splooging over this? The common counter is that anyone who doesn't like this can't appreciate an intelligent movie. What's so "intelligent" about not answering your own questions? Are these the same people that appreciated the intelligence of LOST, the biggest let-down rip-off that ever ripped an off? Anyone actually satisfied to find them in freakin' purgatory is an asshat.

Inception is pretty to look at. There's worse ways to pass the time. The acting isn't horrible. It's good products that add up to wasted potential. They used the finest silks and the goldest golds to make a very lovely toilet brush. It's a five acorn movie with a two acorn ending. I'm splitting the difference. Deal with it.

Three and 1/2 acorns. ½

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