I Answer Other People's Letters #5010611

Today’s Victim: Dear Abby [1/06/10] Some of the following shit snipped for useless crap:

TAKING ILLICIT PHOTOS COULD LAND GIRL IN LEGAL HOT WATER

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share some important information with "Don't Want to Lose Him in the U.S.A." (Nov. 10). She's the young lady who is being pressured by her boyfriend to take photos of her classmates in the girls' locker room. The students at the high school where I teach recently attended a program on Internet and online safety. One of the things that really surprised them was learning cell phone calls don't just go from one phone to another. .... All sent messages and photos are stored on the provider's server. This means pictures deleted from the phone are never really deleted -- and text messages and photos never go away. .... "Don't Want to Lose Him" needs to clearly understand she might be prosecuted for producing, distributing and possessing child pornography. -- A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER IN CHURCHVILLE, VA.

Because if it's not a deterrent that she'd be the sidekick of a gross, perverted creep, the law surely will be. HO HO. Young people these days DON'T EFFIN' CARE, dumbass. I mean, she named her letter "Don't Want to Lose Him". You know where her priorities lie.

DEAR ABBY: Refusing to take the photos, but keeping it quiet, is not enough. I think "Don't Want to Lose Him" should make copies of your column and paste them on every locker to warn all the girls they are at risk -- even when they think they have privacy. She should also tell the principal, who may be able to provide extra protection. -- SHEILA IN GIG HARBOR, WASH.

If there's anything youngins like to do these days, it's TO READ AND FOLLOW DEAR ABBY. LOL RLY? A copy of an advice column on some kid's locker has about as much impact as a copy of The Watchtower wedged in my porch door. And what makes you think the principal gives a shit? Or that he'd even listen. Nice try. What are you? Eighty? For the record, there's never real privacy in the flippin' locker room.

DEAR ABBY: I think the issue of that young woman's low self-esteem should be addressed. Her boyfriend is holding her hostage to his wishes and desires, and will probably always do so if she continues to stay with him. It's important that "Don't Want to Lose Him" learns to love the principled, intelligent person she already is and continue to stand up for herself. Eventually, someone will appreciate her good qualities and she won't have to settle for less than she deserves. -- BEEN THERE IN ARIZONA

How is she "intelligent" considering the loser she ended up with? Especially since she doesn't want to looo~ooose him? GAG!

DEAR ABBY: "Don't Want to Lose Him" should report this to a trusted adult or school counselor. At the very least, this girl needs to know she will be doing a great service if she lets the other girls know so they can be on the lookout for someone sneaking a camera or cell phone into their locker room. She could also use some support and affection that doesn't come from a manipulative, self-serving "boyfriend." -- LISA IN SAN RAFAEL, CALIF.

School counselors are a fucking joke. You can see how they've helped me. And if she tells the other girls, I guarantee they're all gonna be on the look out for HER sneaking in a camera.

DEAR ABBY: I am a mental health professional. What "Don't Want to Lose Him" is being pressed to do is called "sexting," and it is a criminal offense in almost every state in the U.S. The young lady and whoever receives and distributes those photos could be convicted of a felony, serve prison time and live the rest of [BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH WALL OF TEXT.] -- JACQUELINE IN GIBSONIA, PA.

Congratulations on having a degree in IT'S FUCKING OBVIOUS. I hope you at least don't owe much in student loans. Really though, I love how old people define shit for the rest of us as if they discovered it first. Except I'm fairly certain sexting would be the "Lose Him" girl sending pics of herself to her creepo boyfriend.

Who the fuck cares what the definition is or the law is in this instance? This poor girl is lonely and has never been loved before. And here's this tool playing with her heart and trying to recruit her to be his skeezy voyeur cam or ELSE. Why is no one telling this chick to love and respect herself? Why has no one asked how "Lose Him" would feel if she found out one of the other girls snapped a pic of her ass and spread it all over school? Or why didn't anyone ask her if she really doesn't like having teeth that much because some of those high school chicks would totally knock them out if they found out those kinds of pics had been taken of them?

***BONUS ROUND!!***
From Dear Abby [1/03/11]:

DEAR ABBY: I became a grandmother a year ago. My son told me I have to join a social networking site if I want information about, or to see pictures of, my grandson. He claims I can find out all I need to know on his profile page. Abby, I'm not asking for pictures to be sent in the mail, nor am I requesting constant calls about what is taking place. I'm not completely computer illiterate, but I do have an aversion to being grouped with everyone else. I am his mother, but I don't feel as though he thinks of me as someone special. Am I totally out of touch with today's technology? -- OLD-FASHIONED GRANDMA IN MONTANA

Dear Granny,

If it's any solace, your letter made me seriously fucking mad. If I knew your son, I'd give a kick in the balls for you. Your son is what is known as a technology whore. He is part of the mostly middle-class segment of selfish, spoiled America with too much goddamn time on their hands. These people are so in love with iPhones and Facebook that anyone who doesn't conform to it is inconvenient. "How dare you not answer my text to my convenience! How dare you actually make me visit you and talk to you to communicate!" They take pictures of every other meal they eat and post song lyrics as a status at least five times a week. No, you are not old fashion for not wanting to join his [likely] crappy network of fellow peons.

If I were you, I would call him anyway to initiate conversation. Given the a-hole your son is, he'll probably talk to you while driving using his Bluetooth, but hey, make that technology work for YOU and not him. I would also let him know you can't join his profile thingy because "computers are just too dern hard" and you're too confused by that "FaceSpace doohickey". As an older person, make your age work for you! You can get away with it! What is he gonna do: get angry? Only a total dickwad would yell at a granny for not using a computer "correctly". If you're long distance, try reaching out to his wife or any other relative nearby and see if they can score you pics of your grandson that Mr. Pisspants can't be magnanimous enough to send to you.

I Answer Other People's Letters #4010311

Today's Victim: Ask Marilyn [1/2/11]:

Some of my readers’ questions would confound the Oracle of Delphi! Here’s a selection of recent unanswerable ones worth pondering anyway:

In other words, "here's some stupid questions to amuse people because poking fun at morons is one of the perks of being an effin' genius". None of them are really 'unanswerable' as they are incredibly fucking stupid and have obviously been printed in her column for lulz, which makes it terribly sad that people are getting lulz from Parade Magazine.

As I travel the highways, I notice signs that read “Deer Crossing.” How do the deer know to cross at those signs?
—from a reader in Ovilla, Tex.

The sign was put there because the deer were crossing there first, asshat. As you clearly don't possess basic logic, please stop driving before you kill someone.

Why are the Three Musketeers always depicted with swords? Why not muskets?
—Burbank, Calif.

Because it's easier to stab someone than it is to shoot them with a musket. Plus, a sword is cooler. Don't disagree with me, douchebag. A better question would have been why the Musketeers are always last to get eaten when they're so damn tasty.

I play racquetball. The court is a large, enclosed room with a 20-foot-high ceiling and one small door, which players use to enter or exit during warm--ups, etc. Why—although this door is open only briefly—does the ball go through it about 75% of the time?
—Spearfish, S.D.

Because it hates you and I hate you, too.

Why do the eyes of life-size cardboard figures of people appear to watch and follow you as you pass by?
—Tyler, Tex.

Because they are. No, seriously, bro, it's just you. You're a paranoid idiot.

I’ve heard that the Earth’s magnetic poles are reversing. Will the strip in my credit card still work? Will my refrigerator repel my magnets?
—Portland, Maine

Send me your credit card and I'll check it for you.

Why don’t eggs taste like chicken?
—St. Louis, Mo.

Because it never formed into a chicken, fuckface. You're eating an abortion. Or as the rich chickens call them, a ski vacation.

Do I have more of a chance of catching a cold if I’m chewing gum and blowing bubbles? In other words, can airborne germs be caught by my bubble and then ingested after it has deflated and the gum is back in my mouth?
—Saddle Brook, N.J.

No. Why the hell would you think you'd have a better chance catching a cold from germy-air touching your gum than by breathing in the germy-air directly? Germ-ass.

Do you know whether Christopher Columbus brought pickles with him aboard his ships when he explored the New World?
—Cary, N.C.

That was a pickle in his pants? I just thought he was glad to see me! [RUNNER-UP ANSWER: Who fucking cares? That's not even a legitimate question.]

The city of Toledo, Ohio, is urging its residents to lose weight to the tune of one million pounds. With that much weight exiting our planet from such a small location, could it alter the Earth’s orbit around the Sun?
—Swanton, Ohio

Yes. We're all going to die. Especially if geniuses like you have bred. We had fewer and skinnier people on this planet for centuries and you think the orbit's gonna be affected by something like that? Maybe you should be more worried about all of that stupid hurling us into the sun.

In movies, when someone gets out of a car at night, why doesn’t the dome light ever go on?
—Sebring, Fla.

It broke. I broke it. Me so sorry.

I notice that global warming increased after daylight saving time started in 1974. Well, duh! More daylight is going to make the world hotter, isn’t it?
—Altadena, Calif.

Well, duh, making it 11 o'clock instead of 12 o'clock doesn't affect the actual amount of sunlight. People don't control the sun, dork-ass.

If a person on television held up a mirror facing a camera, could someone at home see his reflection in it?
—Colorado Springs, Colo.

I'm going to punch a camera and hope you feel it.

I Answer Other People's Letters #1100810

Today's Victim: Carolyn Hax [10/6/10 – 10/8/10]

First off, Care Bear hugs and kisses to the Detroit Free Press. The Washington Post and some Dallas rag both wanted me to register to read Carolyn Hax. REGISTER? To read people crying about their lives? I think not.

Following letter and final letter both edited for superfluous bullshit:

Balance your attitude about check

Dear Carolyn: A friend agreed to keep my pet while I was away. I gave her a check when I returned simply because I appreciated her help. I told her I had postdated it. She cashed the check ahead of the date and the bank charged me $175. Her response: She hadn't heard me ask her to hold the check and she was really sorry. I believe she was not truthful and, even if she was, she feels no responsibility for sharing the expense. This woman is in a group that meets in my home. Because of this incident and another which has caused dissension in the group, I do not want to continue to invite her. What do you think?
--Anonymous

Dear Anon,
I think you have other motives for not wanting her in your home and just want to make a tally on this woman. If this had been someone you wanted to keep as a friend, you'd see the thing with the check was your own damn fault and eat the cost. There's a reason you're not supposed to write post-dated checks, you ninny. If you don't like the woman then don't invite her into your home. However, be prepared for the rest of the group to turn on you if they disagree. Especially if your other reason is as equally flimsy as this one.

Mr. Nice Guy complains about women

Dear Carolyn: If a woman has dated both nice guys and abusive guys, how come you'll find out that in just about every case, her longest relationships have been with the abusive guys? Why do so many women require some form of drama to remain entertained in a relationship, and do you find this to be childish behavior?
--D.C.

Dear Distict of Columbia,

Her longest relationship is with the abuser because if she leaves he'll fucking kill her. I don't know why you seem to surround yourself with women who LOOOVE drama and it's not childish, it's just sad. The End.

Of course Carolyn didn't answer this way and provoked the following response:

Carolyn: So you're saying there's no segment of women who require drama to be entertained, and I have an attitude problem for disliking drama? Again, when you confront a woman who has been in abusive relationships, which is relatively common, why are their abusive relationships the longest relationships they have? You'd think the relationship with non-abusive men would be the longer relationships, right?
--D.C. again

BECAUSE SHE'S AFRAID THAT IF SHE LEAVES HIM SHE'LL DIE. No, dumbass, I don't think non-abusive men would be in the longer relationship because the non-abusive man would be all "Oh, so this isn't working for you? All right, I can respect that," and then he'd go on his merry ol' way because he has a shred of self-esteem and isn't an effin' sicko. The abuser is a sad shell of a guy with serious issues who will guilt her and then give her a shiner. NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T REMAIN IN RETARDED SITUATIONS. SICK PEOPLE DO. See the fucking difference, sportsfan?

Instead Carolyn and her readership BAAAWW about sterotypes. Since this guy is too stupid to understand how abusive relationships work, they may as be trying to teach a donkey calculus. They dub him as having "Nice Guy Syndrome". Why is everything a disease these days? Why can't a stupid person just be stupid?

He's having an affair, she can't be bothered to care

Dear Carolyn: My husband is having an affair. I have proof. I'm not surprised; he was texting her while we were on vacation with my family. I have not confronted him. I'm expecting him to say, "Well, can you blame me?" He has asked to go to counseling. I have agreed and told him to set up the appointment, but he has not. Sadly, I'm not really bothered, but if it begins to affect our children, there will be hell to pay. I have several e-mails over the past six months, including one where he calls my family pathetic. That bothers me more than the affair. I'm sure he thinks I am unaware. The immature part of me just wants to say "gotcha." Should I wait for counseling to bring this up so there is a witness there?
--Aware But Don't Care

Dear Messed-Up Lady,

1. People who don't care wouldn't have bothered writing an advice columnist, liar.

2. Why haven't you confronted your husband? Even if he does act as predicted, WHO FUCKING CARES. PAST SIX MONTHS? WTF! Get up off your ass.

3. Why didn't you make the appointment with the counselor? Why is the marriage counseling just HIS deal? Do you want a prize for just agreeing or some shit? Well, you don't get one.

4. Your children have noticed something. Don't front with this mamma bear bullshit: "If he hurt mah keedz, thar be hell ta pay!" If you don't think your own behavior in this doesn't hurt your kids, think again. I grew in similar circumstances and IT HURT ME BADLY. I'll bet your kids are feeling it, too.

5. "Boo hoo, he called my family pathetic." The fact that this bothers you more than the affair itself is icing on the cake. And then you want to gloat "gotcha" and want a witness? Name calling and bragging rights? You have all the priorities of a five-year-old in front of the claw machine at Chuck E. Cheese.

WOW, and he cheated on you. I can't imagine why.

Look here, missy, you can't control him but of the things you could control—confronting him, making the appointment, etc.—why haven't you done them already instead of spending your time being a petty, over-prideful little plotter? A mother concerned with protecting her children from this crap doesn't just twiddle her thumb up her ass and proclaim herself "aware but don't care." Whether the lout thinks you're aware or not is utterly meaningless. "Should I wait for counseling to bring this up so there is a witness there?" You mean the counseling that will never happen since neither of you can pick up the goddamn phone? A "witness" for what exactly? "Oooh, you got him good, gurl!" Will that fix your marriage? Um, NO! Confront him already. It's the first step.

I Answer Other People's Letters #30093010

Today’s Victim: Dear Abby [9/26/10]

DOG LEFT HOME ALONE CAUSES CONCERN FOR WORRIED OWNERS

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a precious 2-year-old Boston terrier, "Bailey," who is our life. We consider him our child and are heartbroken any time we must leave him alone. I am wondering if there is any way I could train Bailey to use a fire blanket in case of a fire if we're not there. Bailey loves to burrow into blankets, so it's not too much of a stretch. I couldn't bear the thought of our little one not being able to help himself if he was locked in during a fire. Any suggestions? -- BAILEY'S MOMMY IN TOM'S RIVER, N.J.

Dear Scary Lady,
WTF? Seriously. WTF? Okay, okay, in the interest of full disclosure: I have two cats and call myself their mommy. Meh, a lot of animal folks do. Whatev. I used to have a cat that would comb my hair with her claws but I wasn't gonna train her to cut and style. Be realistic. Teaching the dog to use a fire blanket? Humans are still trying to master fire blankets. ADULT HUMANS. And you want to teach a two year old dog? I guess this is a toy breed and the fire extinguisher's too heavy. Does a box of baking soda fit in his mouth? Just wondering.

Real Abby's advice was to get a dog sitter. I mean, if this woman really considers the dog her child and leaves him home alone, we could theorectically call Dog-Child Protective Services, amirite?

Following letter edited for redundant bullshit:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman with one child. I looked into international adoptions and foster care adoptions. I have always wanted to expand my family, but adoption is expensive and foster care wasn't the right fit. My younger sister, "Caitlin," married her abusive high school boyfriend and immediately became pregnant. She's now pregnant with a second child and this time she has no intention of reconciling.

I would desperately love to adopt this baby. When I approached Caitlin about it she said allowing me to adopt her child would make her feel "too guilty." How do I convey to her my great desire to adopt her child without making her feel like less than a parent? I wouldn't feel so strongly if I thought she actually wanted this baby, but she acts like this pregnancy is a burden. -- MATERNAL IN TULSA

Dear Creepy Baby Thief,
Stop being creepy. Stop it now. It's very "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle". Eww.
First off, you have one child and never state whether or not you can still conceive. You know what, never mind. I don't want you to multiply anymore. Next, I question that you've looked into international adoptions. Enough with the Angelina Jolie guano, people, kids in this country need loving parents, too. Third, the notion that adoption is expensive is even more apalling: like your new young relative is the K-Mart option or some shit. Obvious implications are obvious. Finally, I don't see how not reconciling with the baby-papa has anything to do with your sister keeping or not keeping her own child. Your idiot sister obviously feels some obligation--like a motherly duty, almost... maternal if you would--to this child. There is really no nice way to say "Gimma your babee!" You've put your cards on the table, now back off nice and slow.

As for not wanting the baby or being burdened by the pregnancy, honey, that's nearly every mother I know. It doesn't mean a damn thing in the long run. Be honest: you're not being altruistic to your niece or nephew. You "feel strongly" because you want to steal her baby to feed your own raging mommy cravings and for no other reason. Get some therapy.

DEAR ABBY: My supervisor "Valerie" is smart and beautiful. However she is a few pounds overweight. The problem is she thinks she can still squeeze into a size 8. You can tell she's interested in looking professional and stylish by the clothes she picks out, but she still looks terrible. She is obviously in denial about her appearance, and her co-workers and underlings talk about her behind her back. Because Valerie is my supervisor, I do not feel comfortable telling her how unprofessional she really looks. I am surprised that none of her friends has told her (tactfully), or that her supervisor hasn't told her how unprofessional it is that we all can see the outline of her underwear. The shame of it is that it's hard to take Valerie seriously in her professional capacity when all one can think about is her clothes don't fit. How does one approach such a subject with someone who isn't really a friend? -- GROSSED OUT AT WORK

Dear Fashion Popo,
This grosses you out? Rly? Here's an idea: knock off the Gossipy Gloria shit and concentrate on doing your goddamn job.

I Answer Other People's Letters #2091510

Today’s Victim: Miss Manners [9/12/10]

Rules for a proper tea party
Dear Miss Manners: Tea gatherings are becoming more popular, and I would like to plan a tea party. I have only attended one and would like to learn how to host a very nice experience.

Ha. HA HA. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

No, really. Tea party? Didn’t we fight the British to get away from this shit? Fuck you, snob. Why don’t you just have Jeeves and Consuela organize it for you since they already clean your house and watch your kids? Or you could always buy a few jugs of Arizona and put on some Ke$ha. HA HA. Tea party. My effin’ word.

Don’t be the bitter one
Dear Miss Manners: A young man I occasionally dated e-mailed me for my home address to send me his wedding announcement for his upcoming marriage. How do I graciously respond that I am not interested in receiving one, given the fact that I am still a little put out by the fact that he is marrying someone else?

Gentle-Ass Reader:
Did you really just "occassionally" date him or is you lying? I mean, why else would you be "put out" that he's marrying someone else. Who gives a shit, right? If it never moved past "occassionally" then neither of you was interested enough to pursue it. Is this just sour grapes? Wanted to get married before he did mayhaps? OOPS. Well, what can you do?

Anyway, he thought enough of you to want to invite you the big day. Why do you need to "graciously" decline? This is the information age, you could always claim you never got the e-mail. Or you could conveniently forget to reply. Tee hee. Or if you're fine giving him the address--shows how often you dated if he didn't know it already--you can always manage to not make it. Don't be a bitch trying to be politely bitchy. I hate it when chicks do that shit.

I Answer Other People's Letters #1090910

Today's Victim: Heloise [9/5/10]

Dear Heloise: Keeping up with the housework is a challenge. I have three kids, both my husband and I work, and the house is a mess. So I came up with a plan for everyone to help. I wrote down each room on a piece of paper and placed slips in a jar. We took turns pulling out slips, and we cleaned whichever room we picked. If the kids don't do their chores, then they don't get their allowance. I still do the laundry and the cooking, but it is nice to have helped with everything else.

First off, what do you and your husband do for a living? I ask because I'd love to get a job where I can afford to live in such a huge-ass house that five people have to resort to picking from a jar in order to clean it. Since you still do laundry and the cooking, I can't help but think that your kids may be kinda young and you're just exploiting child labor. As much as eight year-olds need to be taught values of cleanliness, let's keep them cleaning their own rooms, picking up after themselves, and doing weekly vacuuming. You really don't want grubby hands cleaning where you prepare food or where you put your toothbrush.

Dear Heloise: When a bag of straws was opened, the straws would scatter everywhere when we tried to take one out. So my husband took a potato-chip can, rinsed it out and dried it, and cut a hole in the plastic lid. He added the straws. A quick shake yields one straw at a time. When we have straws left over from fast-food restaurants, I add them to the can.

You're old, aren't you? I mean, aside from going "HULK WANT STRAW!!" to the straw bag, for what other reason would the straws go everywhere unless you were an arthitic biddy? Unless you're a chronic masterbater but those don't typically write to Heloise. Anyway, don't be so cheap. Go buy a nice jar for the straws or something. I tend to reuse and recycle a lot of shit but I'd hardly use a chip can people were cramming their hands in for something that's destined for my mouth.

Dear Heloise: My teenage son has a cell phone. I always have my family check their pockets before they put their clothes in the dirty laundry for anything left in their pockets. Unfortunately, I didn't check his pockets first and washed his cell phone. To teach him some responsibility, I said he'd have to use his own money to replace it, which he did. Two weeks later, I washed my cell phone. Needless to say, I returned his money with a red face

Congratulations on completely negating your own lesson. You were trying to teach your son to be responsible for his own actions so he had to pay to replace his phone that was ruined by his own negligence. When the same thing happened to you, it meant it was up to you to replace the phone you ruined by your own negligence. What about that situation means you had to give him a refund as if admitting a mistake? This was another lesson for your son, showing him even authority figures such as parents make honest oversights and are subject to the same rules. And you fucked it up for him. It's not your job to check his pockets, it was his and he failed and ruined his property as a result. Doing the same thing yourself doesn't entitle him to shit.

Dear Heloise: We get several magazines a month, and I sometimes cannot remember which ones I have read. I usually pass them on to my mother after I read them. So I now put the initial "R" on the upper right-hand corner. It stands for "read," and I know that I can pass along the magazine.

You're old, too, aren't you? Assuming your mom doesn't cohabitate with you and this isn't a matter of taking them downstairs to her room, just toss in already read magazines into a box, bag, or basket by the front door. Then take it to her on your way out to see her. Not that it really matters if you deface a magazine but I like to get useless crap out of my way. Having a bunch of read magazines with barely discernable R's in the corner doesn't seem as effective as getting them out of the way.

JUST FOR KIDS

Dear Heloise: I came up with this idea: I use markers, crayons, and other craft materials to decorate tissue boxes so they can match whichever room they are going into. After the tissue runs out, I use them to store things like hair accessories or cotton balls.

Wow, you must be really poor to only be able to afford plain-ass tissue boxes that actually need to be decorated. Even the generic ones I see at the store have some pattern on it already. And keep your cotton balls in the baggie. There's nothing worse than trying to clean off your nail polish or wipe off your make-up with a pair of dirty balls. Learn this now or learn it later the hard way.

Names were eliminated for the purposes of this post. I'm mean enough already.