Book Review: Doukakis's Apprentice

With her family business in crisis, Polly Prince does her best to keep calm and carry on. But hard work alone can't save her London company from a takeover by the infamously ruthless Damon Doukakis…or her traitorous body from the lethal sensuality of her boss! As his new apprentice, Polly accompanies Damon to Paris to negotiate the most challenging business deal of her life! Worse still, Polly must at all costs resist Damon in the most dangerously romantic city in the world…

A number of notes before I get to the meat of the review--as lean a cut of meat as it admittedly is:

1. The title makes me think of two different things immediately.

2. Now that I have that out of the way, Polly is not his apprentice. He accompanies her to Paris, not the other way around. And the description would be accurate if it said "father's business" instead of "family business" since Polly has no other real family. (Yes, I know she considers her staff to be family. I'll get to that.)

3. The Harlequin cover is not the worst cover ever by any means but it really makes Damon look like a sleaze coming on to a buttoned-up trollop. The Mills & Boon cover really shows more of the spirit of the book. She's wearing a fashionable little number like she does in the book and is giving him a sweet kiss befitting of her personality. And he even has a tie with pink stripes on it, which is a nice nod to some of the dialogue in the story. The backdrop for the second cover is Paris, which is far more appropriate than the London setting for the story considering the role Paris plays.

4. This book has good reviews at Amazon but one points out the book needed an editor. If you actually click on the cover over at Amazon to look inside the book, sure enough, one of the errors the reviewer pointed out ("two mugs of and a large muffin") is on the first page. I made it into a bit of a Mad Lib by adding a line next to it. Go nuts:

The reviewer also talked about how names change and in my Mills and Boon epub version both Damon's sister Arianna and his PA change to Analisa and Janey (or was that Jenny). It's certainly no fault of writer Sarah Morgan but the PA's name in particular really confused me.

I've found Sarah Morgan's stuff to be generally enjoyable even if I found "The Greek's Blackmailed Wife" maddening at times.  "Doukakis's Apprentice" thankfully goes in the non-maddening pile with "Blackmailed by Diamonds, Bound by Marriage" and the excellent "Powerful Greek, Unworldly Wife".

The main character Polly Price is an enjoyable heroine and what I liked most about her is that she seemed to be someone I would have as a friend. (And I can't say this for any other romance heroine so far.)  Polly's a quirky yet practical, accessible young lady and doesn't snivel nor stand on a soapbox and list out all of her company accomplishments to Damon despite having every right to do so. While a romance story wouldn't be a romance story without misunderstandings, none of these are the type to induce headdesk or the classic, frustrated throwing of the book into the wall. Polly's reasons make sense and she clearly did everything she could given her circumstances. Most romance heroines don't come off as being generally caring to me. The reader is usually given so much from the heroine's perspective that she comes off as batty, egotistical, or unreasonable. But not Polly. She genuinely cares about the staff at her father's company and I could feel that. Good job, Ms. Morgan.

Damon, on the other hand, is not unlikeable. However, both Ms. Morgan and the heroine Polly call this fellow out on his crap. I'm so tired of heroes deeming heroines as being over-emotional and illogical that I was happy to see this doesn't get past the radar considering he makes the most over-emotional move in the story: Damon bought Polly's father's company just to get at Polly's father for running off with Damon's sister Arianna. And he later uses Polly herself as bait.  What does she tell him?

"I suppose you're sitting there planning new methods to use me to flush my father out of hiding. I'm just a worm on a hook." All the horrors of the night before rushed down on her and Polly touched her fingers to her forehead. "Did you put a hook through my head?"

Nice one, Polly.  Also Damon is Greek but I don't see how it matters in the least. He could've been 100% English and it would've been in the same story. In any case, at least this wasn't drummed into the reader like some stories.

My only real issue with the story is the flow. It felt a little disjointed at times (although that probably isn't the right word for it) and I found myself sorely tempted to skip parts and just move along. The ending was also very sudden and this could've been better if it just moved a little slower. We jump into love and marriage at the end when this story seemed more suited to be a one of the two-book stories. Book One could've ended with declarations of love or at least the promise of a future together while Book Two could involve a hurdle Damon and Polly have to overcome before they get married. Instead, this is another single-story book where it feels like it all had to be shoe-horned in when other parts earlier in the story could've been shortened or removed to expand on the ending.

I give "Doukakis's Apprentice" 4.5 out of 5 acorns. Not perfect, but close.
½

Book Review: The Heir From Nowhere

Heh, heh, come on, you and I know he came from somewhere. *snort* Straight from the back:

"You don't know me, but I'm having your baby."

Don't you fellas hate it when that happens?

Dominic Pirelli's carefully ordered world falls apart when a female stranger phones with staggering news: an IVF clinic mix-up means she is carrying the baby that he and his late wife dreamed of having! Though he distrusts her motives, Dominic is determined to keep waiflike Angelina Cameron close. Taking her to his luxury home, the hardened tycoon reluctantly begins to admire Angie's strength and gentle beauty as her body swells with the precious life inside her. But when their baby is born, who will have custody of the Pirelli heir?

Both of them, of course. The book can't end any other way!

Firstly, I must applaud this book for being one of several new books by Harlequin where someone with a brain finally decided to have names that don't have "billionaire", "mistress", and "secret baby" in the title. Also, that cover actually looks like how I pictured these people, depicting them in the pool. Yay for having an event that actually happens in the book.

Author Trish Morey has written a romance novel that won't have you plucking out your eyes or, to use a more realistic reaction, throwing the book across the wall in fury. She presents two flawed people who manage to both be kinda likable.

Heroine Angie Cameron is down on her luck. Her rat of a husband is leaving her and taking all of her good shit and half of her home. Angie and her husband used an IVF clinic but her hubby called it the last straw on their strained marriage when the clinic gave Angie the wrong embryo and she decided to have the baby anyway. As we learn later, Angie was once an abortion possibility herself and she doesn't want to deny the baby a right to live. Fair enough. No, but really, whether you're pro-choice or pro-life, you will agree this boner is a total jerkwad. So she contacts the would-be daddy so the baby can live with his or her natural family after entering the world.

Dominic Pirelli is handsome and rich like most of these Harlequin alpha-male bastards. However, he started out poor, living a scant neighborhood or so away from despondent Angie's current location. He has a somewhat tragic past and hopes by making a lot of money, he can help the people he loves. Unfortunately, the poor fellow ends up losing everyone along the way. This chap just can't catch a break. And his outlook doesn't improve when the IVF clinic admits their whoopsie. Yowch.

So when Angie contacts Dom, he thinks "oh no, this chick just wants to sell me my baby back." She looks sick and poor and while he can't fault her for the poor part, the sick is something else. Dom's deceased wife—that's right, the baby-mama's dead—had an eating disorder and died from it. And poor Dom's all "sigh, not this shit again."

Through a sequence of events, Dom gets to know her little by little and decides his best course of action is for his baby to grow somewhere safe: his giant-ass beach-side mansion. Hey, sounds good to me. So he moves Angie in and the whole growing-closer-together thing begins.

This book never felt like it had a slow spot and every part serves a purpose whether it be in the over-all plot or establishing the characters in the book. Dom's PA Simone seemed a little useless but that was only because I initially expected her to have a slightly larger role in the book. I actually wouldn't mind if she appeared in an equally superfulous role in several different Trish Morey books. Kinda like that Richard Scarry book "Postman Pig and His Busy Neighbors" where you had to look for that pickle in each picture. Ms. Morey, make Simone your pickle!

All in all, this book didn't really stay with me but it was an enjoyable read. Not too much drama and two leads who seemed to be decent people. Because I would've liked a slightly bigger moment to come along and complete the book—we were a little luke-warm here—I'm taking off a tiny sliver of acorn. Also calling the kid AC-DC wasn't cool. That poor child.

4.75 out 5 acorns. ¾

Book Review: Stay Through the Night

Liam Jameson is a world-famous writer of paranormal thrillers. But fame has its price, and now Liam lives reclusively on a remote Scottish island. Then Rosa Chantry knocks on his door and throws his world upside down. His desire for her is strong, but his conviction that he cannot satisfy a woman is stronger. But Rosa is persistent, and so is Liam's need for her. She is determined to ease his fear that the past has robbed him of his power as a man...

Okay, so this book's a bit older [from 2006] as I tend to try to review the more recent fare. I stumbled upon it and I figure I may as well blog about it since I haven't been reading all that many Harlequins of late. It's by Anne Mather, who also wrote "The Greek Tycoon's Pregnant Wife" which did make my Favorites list so I was open to reading another one.

Liam Jameson is a male Anne Rice who was attacked by some bat-shit fan who apparently scarred him everywhere but on his hot face. Rosa is an ignorant, too-thin school-teacher with flame-red hair, cheated on by her slimy ex-husband Colin and easily given to wild goose-chases due to her whining mother who favors Rosa's younger sister Sophie. Loose, spoiled Sophie is a Jameson fan and when she disappears, Rosa is pressured into following a noodle-limp lead straight to Jameson's castle.

I usually like the idea of a marred hero but I got the feeling Liam fell under the whole "hey, I'm scarred but not scarred enough". Although this book cover is less dumb than the usual lot of them, that dude in the picture doesn't have a single mark on him. Liam wears long-sleeved shit because he doesn't want anyone to see his scarred arms, why don't these damn covers ever get things right? [Also, he looks like he's biting the heroine but I'll just leave that as being purposeful since brother there writes wamper novels.]

I found it odd that Liam has some real insecurities about being physically cut up yet the heroine's all caught up with his good-looking face and gorgeous eyes. I know these sorts of books are a fantasy but it comes off a bit of a contradiction, no? Especially when he's hesitant about showing her his body and she's all "ITZ OK I LUV U NO MATTER WUT" about it. Doubt you'd be saying that if he had a donkey's face. While having Rosa have to actually go through more of an acceptance of Liam's scars would have been good, I'll just assume the word limit for the book is why we had to kinda rush on through that.

Liam, at least, isn't the standard romance alpha hero who jerks-jerks-jerks all over the place, calls the woman a whore, and then does three to four sentences of groveling and bad explanations before expecting to be taken back. Liam is just understandably grumpy about having his privacy potentially invaded, generally jaded by women after being jilted by his fiancee, and confused about his attraction to a woman he barely knows. I found him amusing and refreshing.

At least once, "virgin" is used like an insult. Which is funny because, really, does the hero ever want the heroine to be a slutty tramp? It's kinda, like, which would you prefer, dude? In this instance, the jokes on Liam when he finds out Rosa is a divorcee who left a five-year marriage and not the untouched tenderfoot that usually stars in these sorts of stories. Yay. Finally, a story with a woman in it instead of some daydreaming little girl. Anne Mather, I could hug you.

While the book does place Liam and Rosa at odds at times, as what must happen in most romances, it is the tension of two insecure people. It is not done with bile or some action that might overwise be unforgivable like an affair or a hidden baby or stealing daddy's company. The result is that it never made me want to bang my head on the keyboard and made this book a very nice read.

4.5 acorns out of 5. ½

Book Review: Gray Quinn's Baby

Magenta knows having a new employer might be tricky. But she isn't expecting the old-fashioned ruthlessness of Gray Quinn! However, plucky Magenta is up for the challenge, and tries to beat the distractingly gorgeous Quinn at his own game…. Quinn is no New Man—

Bwuh? "New Man"? Is that some sort of Britishism?

—he wants temptingly innocent Magenta in his bedroom, not the boardroom. But he can make her no promises. He'll give her the night of her life, but he might not be there when she wakes up…. And he definitely doesn't want her taking maternity leave!

Firstly, lol @ that cover. These covers never cease to slay me. The heroine looks like an alien with that long neck and gangly arm and the dude's all squinty like Brenden Fraser and Gilbert Gottfried's long-lost love-child. That being said, I am glad she has dark hair instead of those covers where the brunette heroine magically becomes blonde.

Magenta Steele—yes, I too chuckled at that name—works in Steele Design which is daddy's company though I couldn't be bothered to really learn what she does besides put together "campaigns", have themed office parties, and be the HEEEEEART of the office whatever the hell that tripe means. She meets a smokin' hot biker in the parking lot. This isn't a spoiler, it's Gray Quinn. You know it's Gray Quinn, I know it's Gray Quinn. It's Gray Quinn. Why he's all playing bad boy on a bike in the parking lot when he's, like, thirty-two years old, instead of riding in a car like a normal reclusive rich bloke who just acquired said company is anybody's guess. That's just how Gray Quinn rolls. Do not question the Quinn.

Anyway, for whatever reason Quinn's smitten with Magenta. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be able to. Maybe I didn't read closely enough. Maybe Magenta in her gym clothes is just that damn sexy. Perhaps he just likes the bitchy ones and that ain't no crime. He ends up giving her a ride back to her place and all is well. Until Chapter Four.

Chapter Four is the uh-oh chapter. This is the chapter of a perfectly good book where you kinda know something's going wrong but you go into denial and read on anyway in the hopes it will not come to pass. There had already been mention of the sixties hammered in earlier on and I had a sinking feeling it may lead somewhere but I couldn't have imagined this: the heroine gets all dressed up like she's in the sixties, goes to sleep in her office, AND WAKES UP IN THE EFFIN' SIXTIES AND STAYS THERE FOR OVER TEN CHAPTERS.

While I commend this twist on the tried and true formula, I would not have picked up the book if I knew this was gonna happen because now Magenta is IN A DREEEEEEEM and can't wake up. Worse, she's in a sexist dream where all the chicks work the typing pool and get the mens coffee. I tried trudging through it all but this stuff just isn't my bag. Gray Quinn comes in and he's the boss, of course, and they form a relationship, do it, and she ends up with a DREEEEEM baby. BWUUUH? HAHAHA. No, really.

Magenta then wakes up in the present missing her dreeeeem baby but she and Quinn—perhaps feeling rushed that they only have about three chapters to tidy it all together—pretty much pick up where they left off in the dream. There's not much mention as to how she knows who he is (for he never introduced himself in reality) and they interact like old lovers. He takes her home, feeds her, and she begins obsessing that things are happening in reality like they did in the dream. She comes off as "hey, crazy lady" but Quinn—despite voicing some protest—seems relatively cool with it. This leads me to believe he rode that motorcyle too many times with his visor up and all of them dead flies choked his brain stem. At the end, Magenta's pregnant and la-dee-dah everything's Cheerios.

MEH. This made me kinda sad, I do admit. The writing itself is really top-notch and the hero is really good. I guess it was disappointing to start out with a hero like Gray Quinn and feel like we didn't see too much of the REAL Quinn but instead had to settle for DREEEEM Quinn for the majority of the book. The beginning seemed to set itself up for an interesting meeting when Magenta discovers the biker in the parking lot is the new owner of her father's business, but that tension is never hit upon. And although the parallel is obvious that Dream Quinn and Real Quinn are likely exactly alike, it doesn't change that one was still a sixties dream and a product of his own "era" and real interactions would have made a tastier book. It doesn't help that I'm no fan of the sixties either and I just wanted the dream sequence to GO AWAY. I have to wonder if it might've for a while as I got to the point where I just had to scan over the dream as I found it tiresome.

As for Magenta Steele herself, the name sounds pornish and she came through as being sheltered and entitlement-minded. Yeah, her daddy's a sexist pig, but why should Magenta expect to get a company for free? Go work your ass off like Gray Quinn did and get your own company to run, woman. I would like to have been given a reason to like Magenta as much as Quinn appears to. Is it her body, her eyes, her razor sharp wit, her caring heart, her creativity? I DUNNO. If she was even described as being anything other than a "good-looking woman", which could really be ANYTHING, I've completely forgotten. Magenta seems made to be generic so the reader can relate to her, but this quality made her kinda unlikable to me.

Because of the length of the dream, the ending felt rushed despite being about three chapters long. It also turns the focus on Magenta's lost dreeeem baby half-way through, which would've been a more enjoyable concept with a little more time. As Harlequin/Mills & Boon have started doing two-part books, this one probably could've focused on the dream in the first one and taken us back to reality in the second.

As it is, I'm only docking it an acorn for my own enjoyment value. As I said, this is well-written and you won't be pulling your hair out even if you don't dig it. Someone else will love this book, I just know it. If you have a hankering for a book that takes you into a sixties dream sequence for the majority of it, this is the one for you. As for me, I'd rather just read an older Harlequin than be taken there by a newer one.

4 acorns out of 5.

Book Review: Her Last Night of Innocence

One of the latest out of Mills & Boon, fairly certain to be published over here as a Harlequin at some point in time:

World-famous racing driver Cristiano Maresca always spent the night before a race in the arms of a beautiful woman… Three years ago that woman was Kate Edwards, and her time with Cristiano awakened her to unimaginable pleasure. But the following day the untameable Cristiano had a near-fatal crash…and then Kate discovered she was expecting his baby… Now Monte Carlo is set to celebrate Cristiano’s return to the track. Shivering with nerves, Kate braves the paparazzi to find the man who set her body aflame – and tell him her scandalous secret… That Italy’s most notorious playboy has a surprise love-child!

Firstly, I tend to like the UK covers better but this cover made me rofl. Seriously, dude looks like a Head Boy from Harry Potter. Of course, most of the people on the covers of these things don't work for me anyway but I liked this cover better when they cut off part of his face as seen on the M&B website.

"Her Last Night of Innocence" is another foray by India Grey, a relatively new author first published by M&B in 2006 with "The Italian's Defiant Mistress". The only book of her's I've read besides the one in this review is "Powerful Italian, Penniless Housekeeper", which if I recall correctly didn't wow me but certainly left me open to try her other stories.

I have to say I really, really liked the prologue, which must be a 5-acorn beginning fer sure. We meet the hero—Italian race car pimp Cristiano Maresca—and the heroine—British bottled-water marketing assistant (I guess) Kate Edwards—and immediately jump into the action, which literally ends in flames and derails Cristiano's career.

Four years later, we discover Cristiano baked his ciabatta loaf in Kate's oven, resulting in a son named Alexander. Kate was never able to see Cristiano since the fateful day of his crash and has the chance to confront him now that he's re-entering the racing game. I liked how both of the main characters have a heavy personal demon to fight. Kate lost family due to reckless driving, which creates a conflict when it comes to her feelings for Cristiano. Meanwhile, Cristiano has esteem issues from a learning disability and on top of that is struggling to race again. He lost a small chunk of his memory from before the crash and it's screwing with his ability to race. Additionally, that particular chunk of memory was super-important and without it he remembers virtually nothing of Kate or their magical evening.

Side characters like Kate's boss Dominic and Cristiano's lady-doc Fournier do their part to move the story along without feeling forced upon us. The moment when Kate becomes sick at a particular "art display" is strong and when Cristiano kisses Kate and she believes he remembers her was one of the top genuinely heart-breaking moments I've read in one of these books. Kate's urgency to return home when Alexander gets sick was also well written. All that said, this book isn't without its flaws.

It was maddening that during Kate's subsequent stay with Cristiano, telling him he had a son took priority under getting herself some hot Nascar lovin'. It was only through a misplaced letter—which you know is getting misplaced the minute the idea of writing down a secret is mentioned—that Cristiano follows Kate and meets his son. From then on, it gets a little... well... boring actually. I found myself struggling to read through the rest of this about as much as Cristiano would.

Cristiano's vampish assistant Suki was also underused. I really wanted the claws to come out with her and she was kinda "meh" throughout the whole thing that I saw no point in including her in the first place. I saw the stepping stones for some high drama in her character as Suki was at least somewhat infatuated with Cristiano but that never came to fruition other than she MAY have told a little lie. It would've rocked if she had somehow gotten that letter first but alas, she doesn't do much but snark here and there and help move Cristiano's career forward.

More drama also should've come into play with Cristiano trying to win Kate's love. As I've seen in a lot of these books, the heroine becomes a bit of a jaded pill (and rightly so) but the hero's all "I'm here now, deal". I wanted him to be more dashing and romantic! He has his jerk-modes at times and it makes him difficult to love. There was also a tidy helping of father-son mush between Cristiano and Alexander that will make fans of that sort of thing go "AWWWWW" but made me kinda stick in my finger in my mouth. I don't read these books to read about keedz.

For those that may be wary of the whole race car romance thing, the racing and the cars of said racing really take a backseat to the story so there's nothing to worry about on that front.

In any case, I felt this book was among the more decent ones I've read. Despite that it lost me in the last few chapters, there are parts of it that are pure gold. While it doesn't make my keeper list, I'm giving it a solid 4/5 acorns and will definetely check out more by India Grey.

Book Review: Falco: The Dark Guardian

Revered businessman Falco Orsini has left life in the special forces behind—though he uses his powerful skills occasionally, when duty calls. But duty is always on Falco's terms! When his estranged father asks him to protect a young model who is being stalked, he begrudgingly agrees…only because of the vulnerability he can see in her eyes. Elle Bissette won't be a victim—she can take care of herself! And surely big, dark, devilish Falco is dangerous. Because one kiss from a man like him will leave her breathless….

First a little background: this book is the third in a mini-series by author Sandra Marton known as The Orsini Brothers, which centers on the romantic lives of each of four slutty Sicilian brothers:

The patriarch of a powerful Sicilian dynasty, Cesare Orsini, has fallen ill, and he wants atonement before he dies. One by one he sends for his sons—he has a mission for each to help him clear his conscience. His sons are proud and determined, but they will do their duty—the tasks they undertake will change their lives forever! They are… THE ORSINI BROTHERS. Darkly handsome—proud and arrogant. The perfect Sicilian husbands!

Done the wrong way, this is the sort of thing that really makes you put your finger in your mouth and gag. That said, I believe The Orsini Brothers is the first mini-series where I'm actually excited for the next book. The brothers have a flourishing business together and are great friends who all find themselves summoned by daddy. This gives them more than enough excuses to interact with one another and they do so naturally enough that you forget for a while that each one is being systematically hooked up for our reading pleasure.

Late last year, we got the stories of Raffaele and Dante in "Raffaele: Taming His Tempestuous Virgin" and "Dante: Claiming His Secret Love-Child" and this year it will conclude with "Falco: The Dark Guardian" and "Nicolo: The Powerful Sicilian". I admit, I was wary of the Falco book probably because he's the ex-Special Forces guy. That's usually one of my kill-switch phrases along with prince, sheikh, cop, cowboy, and Texan. [Full disclosure: I'm Texan and of the race, class, and political-slant rich, white, cowboy ranchers thumb their noses at. So, no, I can't say the Rich Texan particularly turns me on.]

So anyway, Falco is called in by Dad, a.k.a. Cesare Orsini. Cesare was into crime or something like that so Falco and his brothers aren't too "wild about Mary" if you get my drift. Cesare charges Falco with protecting Hollywood actress Elle Bissette from some nutjob sending her frightening mail and such. I really would've preferred if Falco hadn't kissed Elle so early on. Elle's this friendless actress with a horrible past who fears for her life and this dude appears in her trailer out of the blue, gets up in her grill, and plants one on her. It would take quite a while for me to wash out the idea that he's a sicko, attempts at helping me or otherwise. That just should not have happened, I don't care how sexy he's supposed to be. The scene where Elle later fantasizes that she's kissing Falco could've been that much hotter and instead I'm wondering about this poor woman's victim complex.

Then there's the part where they end up sleeping in the same bed. And Falco's all derrrr...

"Well, it never occurred to me to ask the character in the front office what the sleeping arrangements were."

I have problems when a guy portrayed as capable and traveled as Falco forgets something basic like that. It comes out contrived and tension is lost. Picture this: Falco gets a double room or something and spends a rough night thinking about Elle because she's so gosh-darn purty or whatever. Then Elle has a nightmare and Falco decides to hold her. The last part is what basically happened anyway and it could've been done without Falco looking like a creep who planned this. Or even the age old "this was the last room available and it only has one bed" or something. That Elle fell fast asleep earlier on and was thus completely powerless in this entire process did not assuage me.

The book then becomes a giant waiting game for when Falco and Elle were gonna do it. This would have been less noticable were it not for the lack of interaction with other characters. Raffaele and Dante dealt with human obstacles to their love-interests while Falco and Elle just have each other and some unknown weirdo lurking off-page somewhere. Thus Falco and Elle are in the trailer, on the road, in the cabin, in the car, in the hotel, in the car, in the cabin, at the airport to Maui... see a theme? Sadly, neither one is enough to make this work for me.

I wanted the stalker to be confronted or Falco's idea of calling in a bodyguard buddy to materialize earlier on so they could be given somebody else to deal with. I wanted one of Falco's brothers to reappear somehow. There are other characters—Elle's director Farinelli and co-star Chad and Falco's pals Rick and Jack—but they all end up as props to move the whole thing along. While I didn't want anyone to come in and hijack the story, another person was needed to actually make Falco and Elle bond and provide some outsider perspective. (No, not just Falco flirting with the airport counter girl.) Elle should have confronted Farinelli with Falco in tow as to why she had a bodyguard she never asked for. Farinelli's part in the story emphasizes the tell and lack of show because he does quite a lot but we see almost none of it here. Or Elle should've been present when Falco deals with the dude victimizing her so Falco could be inspired by her fear or pain. Which brings me to that.

Ultimately, Elle confesses to Falco that she was molested by her step-father, crazy-ass pedo-preacher Willy Joe who just got outta prison. YUCK. So Falco leaks their location to lure Willy in. This gets Elle so hot she and Falco do it again. YUCK. Then Falco confronts Willy Joe and kills him in combat. Now this is a guy who was able to get mail to Elle and track down her phone number. He broke into her secluded cabin that no one in the world even knows about—not even the paparazzi—and meticulously entered so no one would realize he had broken in. Then he took out light bulbs in order to force Elle to switch on the right light to discover a toy cat hung on her wall. So you'd think he'd have to be a clever guy, right? Instead we get a "six feet six inches of lard laid over prison-honed muscle" [I had to read that twice, too] fat-ass who Hulk-smashes his way into an atrium at three in the morning brandishing a knife. HE COULD BUY A TICKET TO MAUI BUT NOT A GUN. APPARENTLY HE COULD ONLY CHOOSE ONE.

Willy Joe spat on the terrazzo floor. “She lured me to her. Seduced me. She’s a whore, just like her mama.” He curved his body forward, spread his feet apart. It was the stance of a man who knew how to use the silvery blade he held. “Now she’s your whore, Orsini. But not for long. I’m going to kill you and then I’ll kill her.” He smiled, the smile of a maniac. “Get ready to meet your maker.”

Corny dialogue aside and maybe I just missed this but how the hell did he know Falco's name? I know Falco had his and Elle's location leaked, but Falco also assumed Willy Joe had more than a bowl of cornflakes above his eyeballs. WHY would he chance Willy Joe making the connection that Falco had been in the service OR was a rich connected guy OR had possible underworld connections given his last name? Any one of these things is a big problemo for a sick-ass stalker as well as for the man trying to catch him.

Suddenly, the knife was driving down toward Falco’s throat. “Whore-master,” Willy Joe shouted--

Whore-master? Is this a British insult? Did anyone else think of Beastmaster? Maybe it was just me. I guess it's still better than I what I would've written:

Suddenly, the knife was driving down toward Falco’s throat. “Bitch, you be pimping!” Willy Joe shouted--

So Falco tosses his gun aside and shanks WJ with his own knife. Counting uses of "the" and "and", there are about 340 words between Willy Joe's first entrance and when he dies. FTW? It reminds me of when I would stay up late to see "Tales From The Darkside" and it was rerun. I am disappoint. Most importantly, is that supposed to be hot? This is why I don't like Special Forces, cops, or any of the type in romances. They's always gots ta kill someone, Special Forcing and whatnot. Of course, getting a book without one's no guarantee either. I remember reading this one Harlequin where the hero had the heroine's evil father beaten to death. BEATEN. TO. DEATH. I don't care if the guy was evil and had it coming: Violent death != Romantic. Child rape != Romantic. I'm sure it's floating somebody's boat, but mine just sank on top of a family of unsuspecting sea sponges. And what's more, Falco killing Willy Joe's supposed to be comparable to a knight slaying a dragon. You know this because it's hammered in over and over again. I get the knight-fantasy, I really do, EXCEPT THE DRAGON NEVER RAPED CHILDREN. Just putting that out there.

For my final gripe: The brothers did not need to be in Falco's office when Elle arrived for a reunion. Everybody's there for Falco and Elle's wedding in the sappy epilogue and it would have been more appropriate to have them interact with her there or even in the beginning of Nick's book. Here it felt like a big ol' setup for all of them to meet, which was a bit disappointing. At least Falco seemed to think so too and booted them out.

This book gets 3 acorns. I like the series and wanted to enjoy this one more, but Falco has to be the least likable Orsini (although there aren't too many differences among the four of them to begin with). Elle was a difficult character to sell as well and a hero with a bigger heart and a cooler head would have been a better complement to her. Somebody with her past needed a man to help her heal and I couldn't buy that this would be Falco. Furthermore, interactions with other characters probably would've given these two a chance to shine as duo. It was hard watching them bouncing off of each other so much.

BTW, my recommendation, if you haven't done so already, is to start at the beginning with Raffaele's book and decide whether or not you want to continue reading the series from there.

Book Review: Bride in a Gilded Cage

Haven't reviewed one of these in a while. Here's the synop:

The tango is an Argentinean dance of possession and passion...and that's exactly how aristocrat Rafael Romero intends his convenient marriage to teacher Isobel will be. First he will take her as his bride. Then he'll lead her to the marriage bed, where he'll make her his. Isobel may have no choice but to give her hand to Rafael in matrimony, yet she intends to stay as free as a bird. But her new husband will keep her caged once he discovers he's wed a virgin....

This isn't the first book I've read by Abby Green. Previous reads include "Ruthless Greek Boss, Secretary Mistress", which I mostly enjoyed; "Ruthlessly Bedded, Forcibly Wedded", which kinda annoyed me; "The Mediterranean Billionaire's Blackmail Bargain", which was cheesy and barely readable; and "The Kouros Marriage Revenge", which I kinda liked. "Bride in a Gilded Cage" gave me some gilded rage. I just did not like this book.

The story opens with the hero, billionaire Argentinian Don Rafael Ortega Romero, confronting the heroine Isobel Miller at her 18th birthday party. With deep olive skin, hair as black as midnight, and two "green and gold" "pools of dark sin" for eyeballs, Raff is a pretty classy guy, eh beds many womens and doesn't afraid of anything. Due to retarded rich-people circumstances, he and Isobel have been betrothed to each other. Upon their marriage, Isobel will get back her family's estancia and net her greedy-ass folks a tidy sum. Rafael will get the business perk of fronting himself as a stable family man because they hates single dudes in Argentina. He'll also get to use Isobel's English-tainted half-Argentinean aristocratic pedigree to breed more Romero-assholes for the debatable enjoyment of future generations. Whatev.

In truth, neither really wants this marriage and I don't either. Isobel feels trapped by both the "medieval" notion of arranged marriages and apparently oppressive Argentinian society, yearning to learn dance-shit in Europe. Rafael had originally wanted to marry another woman and isn't jazzed about being tethered against his will. He is magnanimous enough to deem that since Isobel gives him a woody anyway, she'll do, pig. After a punishing kiss, Rafael announces they'll marry when she's twenty-one and goes off to pork his latest conquest:

"...I can assure you that the woman in my car will be perfectly happy once she’s in my bed and underneath me. She doesn’t care about marriage any more than I do. She’s already been twice divorced.’"

He even made it clear to Isobel that once they marry, he'll "make full use of" her. Ew, what a toad. Meanwhile, Isobel returns to Europea, sticks her head in sand, and literally spends the next three years hoping it'll all go away. Despite her proclaiming that she's a firebrand and won't just meekly agree to marry him, that she hates him and despises him, and even that she'd rather die, Isobel really does nothing with her time but dance, dance, dance and spend each day that goes by thinking about Rafael and getting hot from that kiss. Huh?

Which leads to my problem with "Bride in a Gilded Cage": I don't like either one of these bozos. Both of them spend the first chapter being so over-dramatic (mainly her) or disgusting (mainly him) that nobody's likeable. I consider Rafael a no-brainer but what about Isobel did I instantly loathe first? The way she prickishly infers Argentina as "barbaric" and inferior to Europe? Or that her idea of standing up to him consists of whining in his face and simultaneously being turned on by him? I don't know what about an arrogant slimeball walking in and killing my dreams—on my birthday no less—could possibly make my panties moist. Not mention Isobel's so fidgety she may as well have Parkinson's. Isobel flinches, she quivers, her chest constricts with fear. Panic grips her, her hand shakes, the color drains from her face, her future crumbles in front of her... all in the span of a few pages. And it doesn't stop. I understood she's very young but, damn, it got on my nerves, especially admist Rafael making himself as yucky as possible.

In Chapter Two, we immediately fast-forward three years later and Rafael still can't get over the kiss he "shared" with Isobel—um, no buddy, you took that one for yourself—and how Isobel stood up to him. Whining and sniveling impresses him. Hoo-wee. In fact, he's changed his mind about not wanting the marriage and is so goddamn excited about his future wife that not one woman made it into his bed in the last six months.

Is that really supposed to fucking impress anybody? Now, I'm not picking on Abby Green. She is not the only author to use this, but I have to call it out just the same: that shit's not even romantic. Not even. Within the other two and a half years who the hell knows how much head, anal, and what-have-you this constantly hard jerk-off got with countless numbers of Argentinian society-hos. Yeah, we were supposed to be sold on that line in the first chapter about "two consenting adults coming together to enjoy one another…without lies" but this chap undermines that message when he acts like a louse talking all vulgar to and stealing a sloppy kiss from an unwilling teen ruthlessly bartered by her own family. Seriously, I hate this fucking guy.

So, back in Chapter Two, Rafael's all excited and shit and looks at a picture of Isobel running hand-in-hand with another man in Paris. But it's okay, cause that guy's GAY. You see, if he were straight, it wouldn't be okay because all the straight men are potential sexins for Isobel. ALL OF THEM. But this guy is GAY and likes to dance, so he's perfectly SAFE. That still doesn't stop "the surge of hot anger" in Raff's horny old belly. UGH. Have you torn your hair out yet? If no, wait, there's more.

So he's looking at the picture and all practically "Whoa, she's less fat now. Rock on." It is around this time Abby Green tells us Isobel's hair is now "very short", but that sure as hell has never stopped the cover artist from putting something completely different on the front of the fucking book. Raff's all "Boo hoo, she's so purty now! I am regret. There's no way she's still a virgin." This is because all women are sluts.

More so, Rafael is impressed that Isobel has used her "extensive and expensive British education" to not "carve out a high profile career" but instead barely scrape by living in a hovel and teaching jerks in France to tango in a tiny studio. I mean, I'd call that wasteful and retarded myself but what do I know? So paragraphs after he just knows she's no longer a virgin because why would she be, he admits to himself that three years ago Isobel "blasted apart any misconception he had about her character". In fact, it seems she blasted it so far apart that Rafael's been spending these last three years making new ones. UGH. Have I said that word already? UGH.

At this point I did continue reading on for God knows what reason. The following shit happens: Raff crashed Isobel's tango class. He dances great. Isobel's all turned on. He's all "we gonna get married" and she gets hysterical and shocked despite getting a THREE YEAR WARNING THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. She protests and he bullies and she caves in. "All avenues of escape were cut off." Well, yeah. When you sit on your ass for three years DOING NOTHING ABOUT IT, that shit can happen.

To continue: The couple return to Buenos Aires. They get married and do a tongue kiss in church. Spots dance before her eyes yet again (they keep doing that, those damn spots!) because she didn't really want to tongue kiss, oh, damn this reaction Rafael causes within her! Stupid, sexy Rafael! They argue about Rafael buying her new clothes. Her chest tightens, her belly quivers. We meet Rafael's half-brother: grey-eyed, industrialist, Greek playboy billionaire Rico Christofides. Rico no doubt has a book or will have a book of his own. Way to sloppily work that in, Green.

At one point later in the book, Isobel talks to a man about acquiring a property to use as a studio to teach disabled children and poor folks to dance. Oh, what a sweet girl! Wants to help teh disabled keeds! And people and Rafael think she's a slut because she was photographed or something talking to this man. And she's all "Boo hoo, my cage is so small." There is so much headdesk here I can't go on. Who even cares anymore?

At the end, Isobel has her own dance studio and two kids. Rafael now knows what loves is because Isobel wanted to show him. Or something like that. There, I saved you some monies. Oh, BTW look what I found! It's Rico's book: "In Christofides' Keeping":

Gypsy Butler spent one explosive night with a charismatic stranger, but when she discovered that he was exactly the kind of man she despises most, and that she was pregnant with his child, she prayed she’d never see him again. But fate is not kind, and when Gypsy bumps into Rico Christofides the explosive passion between them is as strong as ever. He wants her. What will he do though when he discovers the secret daughter she’s been keeping from him?

What an odd title! Where's he keeping her, chained in his basement? Also, that dude on the cover looks d-bag-ish. Abby Green has an excerpt at her website and Gypsy is Rico's waitress during his date with someone else. The excerpt more or less reads decently. ♫ Oh ho, I know what book I'm torturing myself with next year. ♫

No acorns for "Bride in a Gilded Cage" because the protags are balls. Go read any of the other books I've mentioned here. ANY of them. All of them are better than this one.

Book Review: Innocent Secretary…Accidentally Pregnant

Ah, another day, another trashy book.

SEXY SICILIAN BOSS - HANDLE WITH CARE! Plain Emma Stephenson might not look like a tycoon's glamorous assistant, but for Luca D'Amato - a playboy who likes to play - breaking through her no-nonsense attitude is his favourite new game. Sensible Emma thought all they'd be sharing was an office - not a bed! But she's learning fast what being Luca's personal assistant really means! Now he's standing there offering her a promotion, and she's trying to find the words to tell him....she's pregnant!

Sounds like sexual harassment to me. That title, too, oh, boy. That title reminds me of that Bruce Willis line in The Last Boy Scout: "It was an accident, right? You tripped, slipped on the floor and accidentally stuck your dick in my wife." And holy crap, check that cover. She's like a twelve year-old hiding a watermelon under her dress. The window view's incredible, too. Apparently his office resides on a boat!

After a not-so-promising job interview, our heroine Emma Stephenson ends up meeting her prospective boss: good looking, Italian-something-or-other, mama-mia billionairo Luca D'Amato. Of course, Luca's magic boomstick wastes no time honing in on Emma. She disses his night in Paris to go home and watch tv. My first thoughts were that this was totally awesome. Although she's immediately attracted to Luca, she also has the pluck that comes from growing up in the den of hot womanizers that were her father and older brothers. She knows Luca's type of guy and is having none of his poo-poo.

Emma ends up walking in on Senior PA Evelyn's "WAAH, I JUST WANT A BAY-BEE" session. As they bond awkwardly over the latter's barren womb, Evelyn admits she just wants Luca to stop boning the help.

Emma: "Maybe you should look for a male PA."
Evelyn: "They'd fall in love with him, too."

Fuck a duck, Luca's Johnny Depp. Hell, that might’ve been a better book. Anyway, poor Evelyn just wants to do her job and get a bun baking in the old oven. Newly impressed with Emma, Evelyn decides to give her the job after all.

Okay, so Emma finds she's just too darn attracted to the wrong damn guy. Fair enough. That shit happens. Luca is also very drawn to Emma.

"...and they shared a glass of water. Funny that he noticed a little thing like that--funny that to Luca it mattered that she didn't go and get another glass."

UHHH-HUH. Well, you know, dude, she could've just been lazy. Or not even thinking about it. Just putting that out there. Despite his feelings, Luca made a vow to eighty-six all relationships and decides he better keep his hands off Emma because once he gets involved, he'll need her to GTFO of his life. Still, he's dying take her to Italy for hot pizza lovin.

I'm still trying to figure out at what moment this book proceeds to sink into quicksand and never come back to us.

Maybe the first thing is that it kinda twiddles its thumbs getting off the ground. We spend a good third of the story acquainted with both Emma and Luca's misgivings about getting involved. Second, instead of either one making any real concession to get over that hurdle, Luca just storms in and lays one on Emma and that’s that. Because he's Luca and he can. Then Emma finds her dead mother had actually left the family before her fatal accident. Emma all but immediately tells Luca they’ll go to Italy and he can have her virginity.

BWUH?

While Emma has admittedly wavering confidence from the start of the book, I just don't even see that happening. Emma established that she likes him a lot but can’t compromise her goals because she knows his type. She's seen it a dozen times in her own family AND with Luca's ho-parade. Evelyn told Emma to her face how Luca plays. If Luca had given any hint having something different with Emma, maybe I could see her tricking herself into it.

"I know the rules, Luca. And I'm prepared to play by them."

Except she doesn't. She wants to do it with no condom. She pushes and prods into his personal and family business. She concludes sex is "making love". She counters his inevitable verbal lashings with too many whiney "I hate you"s. Then, after all of that hurt and no apology on his part, they do it again and Luca ditches her again! "No! You said you loved me!" she sobs, flailing her arms at him like a harpy. Yes, really. What the hell happened to the strong woman in the beginning of the book? The one who appeared to have at least two brain cells to rub together? After all of that, I just could not imagine how Emma was any exception among the other clingy women that populated Luca's life. The author states in the preface that when she created Luca, she knew she would have to create a "special" heroine for him. Yes, that's one word for it.

Luca for all of his faults was written better and I wish author Carol Marinelli just made the book completely from his point of view. Not only would we have been spared the bird's nest that is Emma's thoughts, we might've known what the hell he was thinking taking advantage of Emma—a woman he admits he actually likes as a human being—in her ridiculously over-fragile emotional state. Then, for not wanting Emma to get attached to him, he does several personal kindnesses a young, besotted virgin would surely misread. When Emma presumes too much concern, he tells her to drop the act since he's paying her for sex. He then proceeds to bully her out of her job. You're a real professional, bro.

But he's only hurting her because he loves her! BAAAAAAW. She does eventually leave him and doesn't even tell him about the baby. Luca not only already knows but ACTUALLY ADMIRES HER for not playing "her last card". EW. At the end, Luca finds out he's some other guy's kid and it seems to magically negate his fears of the past. God forbid he actually conquer those things without such a neat escape hatch.

And witherto the romance? I really couldn't find any at this point. Luca brings Emma breakfast in bed before he dicks out, does that count? I mean this is a Harlequin Mills & Boon book but it’s more devoted to the freakin' family drama fucking the two leads over than having them plausibly fall in love through mutual understanding. Or some shit.

One and a half acorns. I consider the extra half generous. I'm not even gonna bother with posting the actual acorns. You're just getting a picture of my face after reading this book. For a good laugh, read this five-star review from a plant over at Amazon. "She's different from the other women he's dated, she's a challenge,..." So's a chick who eats paint. Or a circus bear. C'est romantique!

Book Review: The Spanish Secret Love Child

New boss-love-child scandal! When plain-Jane Alex McGuire indulged in an innocent flirtation with a staggeringly perfect stranger, she never expected their paths to cross again. Meek and dowdy Alex was the ideal distraction for Gabriel Cruz in his heady playboy days- But, since running the Cruz family business has beckoned, frivolous distractions are a thing of the past- So on Alex-s first day of her new job she not only finds her perfect stranger is her boss-but she must tell him that their short affair left a lasting impression!

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but "an innocent flirtation" is hardly what I call knocking boots with a "perfect stranger". This book's author is Cathy Williams and I've never read an ending by her that I've liked. That being said, a handful of her books have still made my favorites so I gave this one a shot.

Williams seems to be geniunely trying to do something a tad different from other Harlequins. She uses unconventional heroines. She had the heroine marry the hero and forget about it. She had a heroine paying an unannounced visit to the hero and not for the expected "pregnancy surprise" reason. So I appreciate what she's doing.

I had so much hope for this book and not by the title. The title, like the cover, is a mess. Get a load of it. Not an official Harlequin one, but they all use the same Mills & Boon artwork. Never mind that the chick in the book is described like Jane Wiedlin. WTF? One of the few times we get a heroine without Titian curls or a "silky curtain" of blonde hair and they still muck it up. Also, that guy looks skeezy.

Our heroine is Alex McGuire, a tall, Irish, boyish, horse-like (heh, don't ask) spitfire of a woman with a dark pixie haircut. Our hero is Spaniard Gabriel Lucio Cruz, described as a "billionaire whizz-kid" by the press. Don't let this fool you, he's not self-made and he's thirty. Gabriel owns the London firm Alex works in although who knows what business he's in. It doesn't matter.

Years ago Gabriel had posed as a local and had a little fun with Alex. When she got serious, he disappeared and left her with a one-way train ticket to dumpsville and a bun in the oven. Oops. Therefore, the "secret love-child" being a secret in the first place IS ALL GABRIEL'S FAULT. Gabriel completely lied to Alex and she couldn't FIND him to tell him about the baby. Thankfully, we are pretty much spared but the barest accounts of this history.

Alex is brought up to Gabriel's office to translate for Gabriel's English-impaired spoiled fianceé Cristobel. Alex goes into immediate denial and can't believe the rich bitch Gabriel was her dirt-poor loverboy Lucio. Gabriel also recognizes her. He calls her back to his office later and cruelly gets the truth of who he is out in the open. When he shoots himself in the foot and says that Alex will be regularly catering to Cristobel, Alex tells him to stuff himself and her job. Yay for cajones.

Alex doesn't tell him right up front he has a kid. Though part in selfishness, Gabriel DID completely lie to her among a host of other reasons. Gabriel quickly condescends to feel guilty for Alex's speedy resignation and seeks her out. She declines the offer to return to her job and suddenly decides to introduce Gabriel to their son Luke instead.

Gabriel offers Alex a marriage of convenience and she said HELLS NAH. That was awesome but unfortunately Gabriel just plain doesn't mean it when he accepts no as her answer and has zero respect for Alex's decision. He never seems to grasp how appalling it was for him to suddenly dump Cristobel, coldly offer marriage to Alex, or even how traumatized Alex may feel to find out the great love of her life was "a piece of innocent fiction."

In fact, Gabriel manages to constantly feel inconvenienced, bothered, and ruffled that his magnanimous generousity, a.k.a. Gabriel trying to buy himself his own way, is rebuffed. Instead of bringing him crashing down, Alex weakens to him instead and her behavior comes off more like an idiotic ruse. For all of his rudeness and arrogance, sexy Gabriel still gets Alex hot all over. EW. At one point, instead of finding another place to sleep or calling the hero out on his crap, Alex climbs into bed with Gabriel who of course sleeps nude. Then she shrugs, tosses her prior values and characterization out of the window, and goes "Well, why not?" No really, it actually says "Well, why not?" in the book. And I rolled my eyes and pretty much gave up.

The book hastily degenerates back into standard fare, like Williams's editor shook her and reminded her it needed to be a piece of crap. Alex accepts a second offer for a marriage of convenience for really shitty reasons. She then manages to act secure enough to trust Gabriel and then flips her shit when she sees a picture of him and Cristobel. This didn't make sense seeing how Gabriel never portrays himself as anyone to be trusted. He hadn't declared any love and they had barely made any sort of progress besides the kind below the waist. Alex, I am disappoint.

Additionally, Gabriel never answers for his behavior and probably grovels for about a single page. This doesn't cut it. He was given everything in life. His parents are happily married and stable. He's had no great traumas or troubles. Yet, he was turned off of marrying for love since his employees had failed marriages because his company, like, worked them too hard or something. WTF? I don't even have the words for that. When Luke was conceived, Gabriel jerked around an innocent eighteen-year-old Alex for his amusement. And for all of his talk of how he dodged a bullet by breaking up with Cristobel, you wonder how Gabriel would be so blind to all of her ridiculously numerous faults in the first place. Maybe if he were in love or lust or even under pressure to be with Cristobel in particular, but none are those are the case. He really had a lot to make up for and he never does.

Four acorns for the first five chapters, one for the rest. Averaged for two and a half. ½

Book Review: The Sabbides Secret Baby

Oh, secret babies. These Harlequins are so much fun. It's hard to pull off the "secret baby" storyline without it coming off utterly ridiculous and this one starts out above the curve though it ends up undermining itself. Here's the official synopsis with my comments:

Discarded for breaking his rules… Naïve Phoebe Brown fell for Mediterranean--

In other words, who gives a fuck what country this guy's from? He's Italian or Greek or Spanish or Sicilian. It doesn't matter. The Harlequin readership knows they all look alike: cue in the dark hair, dark skin, giant honking famblee, inexplicable height, and massive hard-on for loose socialites and archaic traditions.

--magnate Jed Sabbides--

JED? LOL WUT?

--after he wined, dined and bedded her with a fervour that made her feel cherished.

Because everyone knows sexing = lub

But when Phoebe happily announced she was pregnant Jed was appalled.

How dare she!? How could this have happened!? HOW? ...OHHHH.

Didn’t she understand – she was only a pleasing distraction? Sadly Phoebe lost the man she loved--

Loved for God knows what reason. The sexings, I guess. He was just THAT. GODDAMN. GOOD.

--and her baby… Claimed for having his child! So it is with disbelief that, years later, Jed discovers Phoebe has a little boy…who looks just like him!

HMMM. Could it be his? Can he has son nao?

This probably the fourth or fifth I've read by author Jacqueline Baird. She sets up the couple and their past in the first two chapters and devotes the rest to rekindling their relationship, which I liked. Some other Harlequins seem to be fond of meandering in time and inserting several confusing, boring flashbacks no one really gives a fuck about. Baird is succint in this regard and we spend the majority of the story in the present. Good on her.

Thirty-year-old Jed Sabbides is a hot, foreign rich guy like most of these dudes are. Brother made his money first as an online poker millionaire. Hey, it's possible. He uses his poker winnas to set up a successful investment firm, later taking over his father's company Sabbides Corporation. Overkill much? Having a dude get rich by his mad poka skillz alone would've been tiz-ight and hella more interesting. But Baird decided to make him the Harlequin Standard Greek Tycoon™ after all. Boo, he was already rich by default through daddy. Oh yeah, and he doesn't believe in marriage. HAHAHA.

Phoebe is the requisite Harlequin blonde heroine: an innocent, slender, blue-eyed, creamy-skinned, 5'8" virgin nine years Jed's junior. She wants to finish her college degree and travel the world: first stop, the tiny peninsula nation of Jed's pants. He manipulates her into giving up the goods and after a year on tour--if you get my drift--she's in love with him. In fact, she's fantasizing about marriage despite that he TOLD HER FROM THE START he would not marry her. They don't even so much as live together. *headdesk*

She tactlessly tells him she's pregnant and hell breaks loose. They part ways a short time later under the assumption that Phoebe miscarried. Wires are crossed of course and she thinks he never cared about her or the baby. Jed... well Jed doesn't really HAVE an excuse. He does nothing to overtly suggest that he ever loved her or to disprove that she was just a warmer for his meatstick after all.

They meet again some five years later. Despite having a new woman in his life--family friend and almost-fiancée Sophia--Jed becomes obsessed with Phoebe again. That's right, he was on the verge of proposing even though he doesn't believe in marriage. Make up yo' damn mind, foo'. He is floored to discover Phoebe is a single mother and her nearly five-year-old son Ben looks JUST LIKE JED. Yes, it is his kid. You can guess what happened.

Jed is naturally pissed and hilarity ensues. Well, not really. After a good start, it gets kinda dull. Jed proceeds to manipulate his way back into Phoebe's life. Somewhere around Chapter Eight or Nine he ends up bagging her again. Without contraception, he's too happy to note. UGH. Way for her not to learn her lesson. And she teaches sex ed classes at a school. ARGH.

At one point Phoebe confronts almost-fiancée Sophia: "In a way Phoebe almost felt sorry for Sophia. She had come closer than any other female to marrying the most eligible bachelor in Greece." Good lord, the conceit! Over the selfish, manipulative asshat that Phoebe believed for years had treated her like a disposable whore and wanted her to abort her baby. Considering Sophia was never jerked around this way, Phoebe should stick to feeling sorrier for herself.

Jed eventually admits his love for Phoebe in the last damn chapter. In fact, he loved her from the moment he saw her. HUH? ORLY? Then why did he SIT ON HIS ASS FOR FIVE YEARS and never use his considerable resources to win Phoebe back? Then Jed sweetens the pot: "I never even looked at another woman for over two years since you left." That admission is soooo special and flatters Phoebe because Jed is a "highly-sexed man." Him going without cooter for a lil' while is, like, a big step. Never mind he started porking Sophia and whoever when his highly-sexedness returned. He's a proud Greek male after all, all Greekness all the Greeking time. Meanwhile, Phoebe's had nothing but Hitachi and Kenny G. Jed likes the way Phoebe rolls. It gives "him immense pride and satisfaction to know he was the only man who had ever made love to her." HYUCK.

And of course, in the end the whole famblee gets together for a big Greekity, Greek wedding. Jed's father, who was supposedly at his death bed, gets his mack on with Phoebe's Aunt Jemma who now lives in Greece, thus keepin' it in the family y'all. Ben magically speaks fluent Greek like a Greekian should. Phoebe pooped out twins, giving Asshole "the heir, the spare, and the bonus." Yeah, real nice. And thus their kids shall grow up to hate them both.

With less reliance on the tired Harlequin tropes, a more contrite, devoted hero, and a heroine who isn't so ready to fling her panties off and her brain with them, this probably would've been a more enjoyable read. The ending was tied up so neatly with a bow I almost choked on ribbon. I did, for the record, like the first few chapters.

Three acorns out of five.

Book Review: Untouched Until Marriage

Yes, my latest bad habit: reading Harlequin romance books, better known across the ocean as Mills & Boon. Granted, I won't knock the entire line. Now and again there are a few titles I actually enjoy, but that's a post for another day. Let's be frank. There's a perfectly good reason these books have the reputation they do. You have to sift through a lot of poo to find, uh, a poo-diamond.

"Untouched Until Marriage" is at least the second book I've read by Chantelle Shaw. Far from the worst Harlequin I've ever read, I could see someone else enjoying this... somehow. Maybe. Frankly, it's very straight-forward relying on the old Harlequin/Mills & Boon formula: lily-white, young virgin meets older, cynical, rich foreign man. Read one and you've read most. Judging from this and the other book of her's I've read, it does seem Ms. Shaw attempts to add her own little twists to the formula. The other book, "The Greek Boss's Bride", had the rarity of an infertile heroine and the couple ultimately adopting--which I loved--but really seemed to drag and not be enjoyable to read though. This book, like that one, has a unique premise. Beyond that it falls into the trap of Harlequin plot same-old same-olds, but I guess that was the point.

"Untouched Until Marriage" focuses on 22-year-old, red-headed, hippy-virgin and painter Elizabeth Maynard a.k.a. Libby. Libby's troubles stem from her now-deceased, hippy lap-dancer mother, also Elizabeth Maynard a.k.a. Liz. Liz decided it would be a great idea to use inheritance from grandma to open a health food store in the middle of nowhere. Go Mom. Then she managed to win a cruise vacation which inexplicably seemed to be for one but whatever. There she met mega-rich, much older Italian Pietro Carducci and got knocked up. Ew, Old People sex. Liz hears nothing further from Pierto once the cruise is over and dies later, saddling Libby with her baby half-brother Gino and the damn store which is of course failing. Enter Raul.

Raul is the tall, irate, and olive-skinned 36-year-old adopted son of Pietro who apparently has "hair as sleek and dark as a raven's wing", leading me to conclude he is using a dead bird as a toupee. Nevermore. He immediately wants to rail Libby all of six pages into the book. Paranoid about losing a baby she was never given legal right to (because hippies always ignore the law), Libby--with the same legal name after all--has been passing herself off as Liz so she can keep Gino. Thus, she lets Raul believe she is Liz. Visions of Libby lap-dancing and getting boned by Daddy Deadbucks run rampant in Raul's head and he's so digusted he doesn't nurse his hard-on for Libby again until page fifteen.

Bitchy Raul informs Libby that she's "hit the jackpot": Pietro is dead and provided for Gino and Liz in his will. Pietro, in true #1 Dad fashion, let Raul find out in the WILL about Gino. Pietro's company will be split in half between Raul and Gino, with that latter's shares managed by Liz because goodness knows Pietro deemed by a quick cruise lay that a reckless, dancing hippy was just what his ailing company needed. Go Pietro. Note that although Raul bitterly identifies Libby as his father's "mistress", Pietro's wife has been dead for TEN YEARS. Sheesh, Raul, even boneheaded 65-year-old codgers need a little fun. Chillax, dude.

Raul insists Libby and Gino must go to Italy with him because that's where Italians live. And also, our boy Raul want control of those shares and some of Papa's sloppy seconds. After some boring pages of evoking sympathy from each other, Raul decides he simply must raise Gino as his own son and marry Libby to give Gino a stable childhood. Kinda weird, bro, but whatev. [We also learn Raul has been burned by a prior marriage to his then PA Dana and I half-expected that relationship to be its own Harlequin because, really, you find the PA x Rich Boss plotline in about a third of them anyway.] Meanwhile, Libby's all "Can I marry a man who doesn't love me?" and I'm thinking "It's page 69, girlfriend. If you love him already, why don't you at least tell him you're not Liz and rely on the better nature you know is there within him to share Gino with you?" Because that would be too reasonable, Libby persists with her lie and caves in the next chapter.

This set-up allows Raul to predictably "Harlequin Hero Post-Coital Rage"™ at Libby when he tears through her hymen on their wedding night. Well, actually he pumps "his seed into her in a spectacular release that racked his body with exquisite aftershocks of pleasure". Then he raged. You'd think Raul would be overjoyed to find the woman he wanted never had old man sex with his old man, but he's too busy being preoccupied with the fact that he could've had the shares and the kid without any marriage. He even says crap like "you were presented with the opportunity to marry a billionaire and you seized it." Dude, isn't that what prenups are for? Never mind the marriage was HIS idea. HIS idea to take control of Gino's shares. Maybe those "exquisite aftershocks" rattled his brain loose from the stem. Even more so when you consider that even though this is an interesting dilemma, Raul changes his mind five pages later. Bi-polar much?

We also meet Aunt Carmina who interestingly was in love with Pietro herself. As if suddenly becoming mindful of the Mill & Boon page limit, this story like the above conflict is never expanded upon like it could've been and Carmina doesn't do much of anything in the book besides be a bitch. She brings up to a now complacent Libby that Raul only married Libby to control Gino's shares. Libby freaks, it never occurring to her that this ceases to make any freakin' sense because Liz is dead and Libby never had any legal claim to jack-squat. If Raul stayed married to her, it was obviously because he wanted to remain that way. However, obvious reason is not obvious. Who cares anyway because it OCCURS AND IS RESOLVED IN TEN PAGES. See a pattern here? When we discover Raul gave the shares back to her two weeks into the marriage because he's a lovesick idiot, you will headdesk with me.

If that's not enough, we get an epilogue that basically serves as a tacky bow on the entire thing. Libby is such a gifted artist and a beautiful, eccentric hippy. All the men want her. Raul is possessive cause he LUVS her. Libby and Raul have multiplied and are so damn happy. WHO. FREAKING. CARES.

This thing is just dull. Other authors have made entire books over the situations that get brought up and resolved within the same chapter in this one. Because some of the plot points are resolved so quickly, it just makes the characters seem flighty. "I'll divorce you. Wait, never mind." "You married me for the shares. Oh, you gave 'em back? Cool."

Two acorns out of five.